We like to think of Scandinavia, Europe's angry icebox, as being some of the most progressive nations in the world. A lot of that has to do with how they treat their children, not as dumb babies but tiny adults who shouldn't be shielded from the harsh realities of the world. That's why toddlers get taught inequality at school, go observe lion autopsies in the zoo, and, now, watch morning cartoons about a man who keeps getting into trouble with his penis.  

For Denmark, 2021 started with the weirdest dick pic scandal. John Dillermand is a new children's animated TV show whose eponymous hero John, who looks like a 19th-century strongman who's let himself go, has a prehensile penis that's dozens of feet long. Equally disturbing is that Dillermand (diller is Danish slang for "wiener") can't control what his massive member does. This results in all kinds of hijinks, like when the dick pushes kids into a river, causes a traffic incident, or, at one point, picks up a gun and starts blasting.

Do you think the 15-foot penis is compensating for something?

And this is not some YouTube skit or late-night Adult Swim-like stunt. The show's five-minute episodes were released by DR, Denmark's publicly-funded broadcasting company. (Imagine if the BBC launched a show called "Josephine Twatterson about a duchess with a magic vagina, and you're pretty close to the level of scandal). This has caused quite the controversy on all sides of the political spectrum. Conservatives object based on their "think of the children" rhetoric, insisting that Dillermand's dodgy dick is explicit and offensive. Meanwhile, progressives are taking issue with a kids' cartoon whose hero is a middle-aged man who can't keep his penis to himself. As Danish author, Anne Lise Marstrand-Jorgensen put it: "Is this really the message we want to send to children while we are in the middle of a huge #MeToo wave?"

Maybe not the right time to introduce the Louis C.K. of claymation.

But defenders of the show point out that, while John Dillermand might be 99% penis, that doesn't make him a dick. While comical, the show also aims to be highly moralistic. Sure, John's serpentine skinflute gets him in all kinds of trouble, but the man attached to the legend also does his very best to make things right, to use his penile powers for good. Dillermand's theme song outright states that "he could save the world if only he had the chance." With that kind of outlook and a name that literally translates to Wiener Man, John could be seen as a kind of superhero. A Danish Hulk/Mr. Fantastic hybrid. With a pornstache. Who got his powers from radioactive penis enlargement pills he bought from a shady website.

For more wiener tangents, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: DRTV




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