Many of us have become our most base selves while sheltering in place, doing little more than eating, sleeping, rubbing against stuff and/or each other, and showering only when necessary to accomplish one of those other things. There's a problem with part of that equation, though: Unless you managed to lock it down with someone before getting locked down yourselves, your options for finding a mass of meat to hump are inherently limited, and the stressful conditions of love in the time of corona are putting a damper on cohabiting couples' sex lives as well. As a result, condom sales have wilted right alongside our collective erection.
In an attempt to remedy this, Trojan tried to combine boning with another activity that's getting decidedly more action: baking. Rising Time: 25 Bread Recipes to Remind Couples to Have Sex at Home, the cookbook of fairly standard bread recipes they released for free this week, is built on two straightforward but intrinsically faulty premises: that anyone needs to be reminded to fuck and it's a good idea to do it while you wait for your dough to rise. It disproves the latter suggestion all by itself pretty immediately.
Baking is an exact science that requires precise measurements and timing, and sex is emphatically the opposite of that. Wander away for some squishy fun, and the next thing you know, your dough is overmixed and your kitchen is on fire. That's something that Trojan acknowledges in its very first recipe when it advises you that you need to preheat your oven sometime before your dough (and dick) finishes rising. Later, it suggests bending your partner over the counter right there in the kitchen so you can "reach out and preheat the oven" mid-thrust. Ah, romance.
They even go so far as to claim that five minutes is plenty of time to both rest your dough and bust your nut, and frankly, no one needs that kind of pressure right now.
The Trojan baking cinematic universe is possibly more terrifying than any post-apocalyptic wasteland. It's like a horror movie in which you've been kidnapped and forced to do nothing but bake and bang. If someone tried to follow these instructions to the letter, they'd end up chafed, sore, and too tired to assemble the pita sandwich that was really the only thing they wanted.
Interestingly, it appears that Rising Time: 25 Bread Recipes to Remind Couples to Have Sex at Home is no longer available in the Amazon Kindle store mere days after it arrived. Maybe it was always meant to be a limited edition. Maybe someone realized they accidentally invented foodie torture porn and scrambled to turn back the clock. Whatever the case, if you managed to snag a copy before it vanished, please do not follow the recipes therein, lest you end up burning rubber and your pastries.
Manna has accidentally invented a lot of things on Twitter.
Top image: Unsplash/Charles Deluvio