While the internet was rightfully infatuated with Robert Pattinson's "fast food pasta" idea that can generously be called a "recipe" and can be more accurately called "food terrorism", I was busy marveling at a less-discussed aspect of his sprawling GQ interview. The guy was reduced to a blubbering pile of self-consciousness when he had to talk about his role in Tenet, the upcoming Christopher Nolan movie in that's shrouded in secrecy.
Pattinson has developed a reputation for giving candid interviews. He says things with no regard for how many iPhones it'll make a producer throw at their assistant. He was calling out the Twilight series for all its faults while on set filming them, in full Edward Cullen costume.
His honesty can be felt throughout the GQ interview. He's the next Batman but can't fathom why actors put themselves through hellish daily workouts and meals of nine delicious tablespoons of birdfeed a day to play a guy who'll end up wearing a suit with abs and pecs built into it. Either he hasn't had much media training, or he did, and it didn't take. Now take that personality and put it in a scenario where it can't speak freely out of fear that he'll get sued into oblivion for committing the sin of offering a basic description of a Chris Nolan movie. Throughout the interview, his aloof candor falls away and is replaced with a man clearly having a panic attack whenever Tenet is brought up. He's reduced to sounding like a mob lackey deciding if he wants to sell out his boss.
"Even if I had seen it, I genuinely don't know if I'd be able to ... I was just thinking, I just called up my assistant 20 minutes ago: 'What the fuck do I say? I have no idea.'"
He then rambles for what, in person, must have been a solid minute of breathless motormouthed blabbering about the notes he took while filming like he's a detective describing how a series of unrelated murders all fit together. The rant ends with an apology for sounding like he's describing a half-remembered dream. The writer contacts Christopher Nolan to find out how much of what little Pattinson described of Tenet is true. Nolan says, "He's slightly fucking with you." That helps no one, you asshole.
The only detail Pattinson divulges in defiance against the spoiler-detecting bomb in his head is a confirmation that Tenet is not about time travel. "He's not a time traveler. There's actually no time traveling," Pattinson said with eyes bugged out looking around for anyone who might be listening, maybe even a man disguised as a plant. "That's, like, the one thing I'm approved to say." Pattinson was killed mid-interview by an assassin disguised as a toaster when he accidentally disclosed the movie's runtime.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!
Top Image: Waner Bros. Pictures