Here's Your End Of The World Starter Kit
This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Between COVID-19, global warming, natural disasters, and Lindsay Lohan's determination to get Mean Girls 2 made (what would it even be about?), things aren't looking so good for the future. Better to be prepared, right? We've rounded up some survival tools that you'll be glad to have around in the event of a global emergency (or, like, on your next camping trip).
This baby goes well beyond a regular first aid kit. This backpack is fully-stocked with first aid supplies, from basic gauze to advanced tourniquet materials, and its modular organization makes it almost too easy to find whatever you need. What's the point of a disaster if you don't struggle a little? "So I just pulled out my splint" is a terrible line for a memoir, but it feels pretty good in the moment.
If you're not totally sure you need to be The Recon-level prepared, this is still a highly practical first aid kit. It has all the basic supplies needed to attend to bleeding, sprains, burns, and other common outside-induced injuries, assuming your apocalypse is one that allows you to go outside. Plus, it's water-resistant and lightweight enough to fit right in your backpack.
Nobody wants to discover a dead car battery in the midst of the end times, but if you do, you'll be prepared with this portable jump starter kit. You don't even need another car to make it work. Look at you, all rugged and individualist. You'll definitely make it to the sequel.
Sale Price: $19.99
You never know what evil might be lurking out in the darkness. These military-grade flashlights cast an extremely bright 500-lumen light to help you spot all manner of supernatural beasts or, you know, just not bonk into anything.
You better make sure your car is fully up to snuff in the apocalypse. Otherwise, you'll be totally left out of the oil wars. THINKCAR 1S is the portable vehicle testing tool that will help you do that. Hook it up to your car and smartphone and it supports full OBD function, full system detection, one-button code clearing, real-time remote diagnosis, and more.
THINKDIAG goes even further. With powerful diagnostics tools and 16 maintenance functions, it makes identifying car problems easier and can save you money at the mechanic, provided they are still alive. Plus, it comes with two free one-year manufacturer software subscriptions, so you have access to all diagnostic functions and maintenance functions of your car manufacturer.
You don't want to get caught on the road in the middle of nowhere and be unprepared for an emergency. That's how the dumbest horror movies start. This tool fits in your glove compartment and gives you a LED flashlight, red SOS light, emergency seatbelt cutter, glass breaker, and a 2,200mAh portable battery pack all in one.
Quick: The apocalypse has hit. What do you grab? For some people, it's firepower; others go for canned food. Well, they'll all be begging to join forces with you if you chose this clever tool. It features seven wrenches and a custom-sized flint as well as a bottle opener and wine stripper for all your dystopian party needs. Plus, the dynamic ratchet lets you screw with up to 20lbs of torque.
We don't mean to alarm you, but all of your touchscreens are filthier than a truck stop's, well, anything. During pandemic season, you should take every precaution to keep them clean. This portable wand lets you do that, scanning over screens, fabric, and other flat surfaces with a powerful, germ-killing UV light. (Note that you are not a flat surface. Please wash your hands.)