Ah, the endless joys of owning a pet turtle. They can't run away from you, and their near immortal lifespan guarantees you'll have at least have one friend staring at you with cold, reptilian eyes on your death bed. But with endless companionship comes a cost. You have to look at (and sometimes clean) their awful, disgusting turtle dicks.

You see, much like a human male, turtles are immensely proud of their penises. Is this to compensate for being picked on in turtle highschool? Who's to say? But what we do know is that they often get into the habit of waving their dick around, which is known as penis fanning. This has caused many a terrified turtle owner to run to Google inquiring why there is a "poo," a "dark bladder," or a "black flower" coming out behind the turtle. Black flower? How would a penis even look like-

Turtles Have Horrifying Dicks And Owning One Means You Might Have To Touch It

Holy turtle dong, Batman.

Even worse than that image (as if there could be such a thing) is that sometimes Leonardo's little katana gets stuck flopping around outside his shell, a problem known as a "penile prolapse." The good news is that you can fix this yourself. The bad news is that you'll never feel clean again.

This turtle care website describes it thusly:

"With clean hands ... lubricate the organ with KY Jelly, and gently attempt to assist the organ back into the turtle. If this fails ... coat the penis with dry, granulated sugar or honey."

Hmmm, maybe you should have just gotten a cat.

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