Presenting The Microphone-Jamming Bracelet Straight Out Of The Lamest Dystopia Possible

There's no need to wonder when or if we'll ever live in a cyberpunk dystopia -- we're already there. I know this because the New York Times recently use the words "privacy armor" multiple times in an article to describe a bracelet that jams all microphones that might be listening, and all while looking as fashionable as Megatron's cockring.

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The device's actual name is a "Bracelet of Silence" and the Times, in their usual sad effort to use the weakest words possible to maintain an air of objectivity, has the balls to describe it as "somewhat ungainly" despite it being the exact bulky device we imagine our future oligarchic enslavers will detonate when we to try to escape their labor camps.

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All those round studs around the bracelet are speakers that emit a high-frequency white noise that will mask your conversations about overthrowing your always-listening overlords. Or it'll at least make it more difficult for someone at Amazon to hear you fucking. Though, I would fear anyone who can convince someone else to have sex with them while wearing this device. This thing is the dating equivalent of the gravity training rooms from Dragon Ball Z. If you can somehow convince someone to sleep with you with this thing on, you can convince anyone, anytime, anywhere. The sound it makes is of such a high frequency that it's imperceptible to the ear unless that ear belongs to a young person or a dog, who you'll know is hearing it when they're struggling to keep their blood from flying out of their ears.

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Between this thing and anti-facial recognition hair and makeup techniques that turn normal human faces into canvases for incomprehensible modern art, it's becoming pretty clear that we won't one day be donned in these future-y sci-fi fashions because we want to, as all the literature and movies have suggested, but because technology will force us to dress like outlandish attention-seekers just to get a little privacy.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!


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