Did You Vote Today? Don't Forget Your Complimentary Porno

There are gubernatorial races in Kentucky, Louisiana, and Mississippi. There's a smattering of state legislator races. Local races abound. It may not seem like a big deal, since the federal government isn't at stake, but even local elections matter, and there's a bunch happening all across America on November 5 -- which some of you are only now realizing is today. You might be struggling to care about who your city commissioner is, and you don't want to break your streak of continuing to not know what a "comptroller" is, but maybe pornography is the incentive you've been lacking all of these years?

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That's why YouPorn is here to fill that moist, yearning void. They plan on saving democracy by giving free premium memberships to anyone who proves that they voted today. I have no idea what a premium account on a porn aggregator site like YouPorn or PornHub offers that you can't already get on the free version. Unless premium guarantees a reality-shattering Jack Kirby supernova orgasm that can scramble your brain circuits, I don't see the point. But maybe if I provide proof that I voted for a new mayor, I can get a hardcore 3D video without intrusive ads and feel like a neutrino centurion from the year 300,000.

Thanks to YouPorn, we learned that the New England town meeting was to 1695 as gangbangs are to 2019. lindaparton/Getty Stock"Thanks to YouPorn, we learned that the New England town meeting was to 1695 as gangbangs are to 2019."

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If you can't rub one out to the standard porn we all have free, immediate, limitless access to, then send "evidence of your vote" to some guy at YouPorn (Jedy@YouPorn.com). They don't provide details as to what exactly constitutes "evidence," but maybe a simple selfie at the polling station with your "I Voted" sticker on your chest is the key you need to unlock a universe of deep civic pride and/or heretofore-undiscovered rim jobs.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. And listen for his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast.

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