Four Loko Is Back As A Hard Seltzer To Make You Hate Water

Four Loko was all the regret of rushing a Florida frat conveniently condensed into a single can. Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the brand of alcoholic energy drinks had gone out of business ages ago after they allegedly killed a bunch of people, since that's what usually happens when your product leapfrogs hangovers right to alcohol poisoning and heart failure. But it didn't die. It was just lying in wait until the public and the beverage industry caught on to its delicious mix of cough syrup and irresponsibility.

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Now that alcoholic seltzer waters like White Claw and TRULY have been accepted by basic bros entering their 30s, Four Loko has emerged from exile determined to reclaim its title as the premier disgusting alcoholic beverage. Thus, the debut of Four Loko Seltzer.

Four Loko Seltzer's biggest selling point is that it'll have three times more alcohol than its hard water competitors. (That's the recipe base for three of the Lokos. The fourth Loko is a tightly guarded company secret.) If the minds behind Four Loko were creating a character in a video game, they'd push all the sliders to the max and wind up with a homunculus that would die choking on Mardi Gras beads soon after its birth. They can't try to just make a thing; the thing has to be the biggest, boldest, most creative thing. And while it will absolutely fail to be any of those, it will succeed in being the dumbest thing.

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The flavor profile shared by all hard waters is that of Robitussin and Febreze mixed to make a new kind of cyanide that Gen-Z could enjoy. Maybe Four Loko will have more luck breaking free from the shackles of horrible flavoring that its competitors can't seem to escape. Just don't hold your breath, since Four Loko products aren't so much made as they are sourced directly from cartoon moonshine jugs with three Xs on the label.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. And listen for his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast.

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