Disney's New Cartoons Turn Goofy Into An Abomination

Despite almost a century's worth of tireless service to the House of Mouse, Disney has had a hard time pinning down who or what Goofy truly is. Is he the world's greatest athlete? Is he a widower and single dad? Is he a cow? But now, in the current run of Mickey Mouse cartoons, Disney has finally offered a glimpse into the true nature of Goofy, and all we can see is an endless abyss of madness and nightmares.

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of the infinity, and I gawrsh done voyaged too far, Mickey.
YouTube"We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of the infinity, and I gawrsh done voyaged too far, Mickey."

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While Disney movies have clearly decided that traditional animation is for chumps, its Mickey Mouse cartoon division has been quietly chugging along on YouTube making classic-style shorts. But the latest cartoon, Gone To Pieces, puts a dark turn on Goofy. As Mickey and Donald prepare for a party, their clumsy buddy arrives on roller skates. Naturally, the hiyucking hick slips, careens through the house, and then ... dies.

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Goofy's body is broken, his mangled limbs strewn around the house as Mickey and Donald look with sunken eyes at the ruined remains of their friend. Except as it turns out, Goofy isn't quite human. (Or ... animal. You know what we mean.) He is a bloodless, gutless automaton whose pieces fuse into a wild sentient dog-thing. So to undo the disaster, Mickey and Donald go full Frankenstein, turning Goofy's remains into a series of absurd configurations, all while the husk struggles and hollers desperate cries of un-life.

Donald, if you ever loved me, you will take the oversized mallet and end my suffering.
YouTube"Donald, if you ever loved me, you will take the oversized mallet and end my suffering."

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Eventually, Mickey realizes that the only way to bring Goofy back from the dead is to use the same eldritch magic that was keeping him together in the first place. Which works, because in this new series of shorts, Goofy is portrayed as less of a clumsy screw-up and more of an immortal god of chaos -- like Loki, but even sexier.

In another episode, lamenting his weird existence, Goofy convinces Mickey to take him as a pet in order to make him revert to a non-sentient cartoon dog, like Pluto. In yet another, he swallows Minnie and Mickey whole like a giant boa constrictor so he can feel them having sex in his stomach. The reason for this demented development seems to be that the new cartoon shorts, in the tradition of Ren & Stimpy and everything Tex Avery, have decided to turn the craziness up to 11. As a result, like all good horror stories, the animators have inadvertently cursed Goofy into losing his remnants of sanity, becoming a force of nature that taints all normalcy he can put his gloved hands on. Whoopsy-daisy.

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For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

For more, check out Disney Deleted a Weirdly Dark Joke From 'Toy Story 2' and Racists Are Attacking Black Ariel With Mermaid Science.

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