6 Pieces Of Fan Art That Prove We're Doomed
Fan art can be one of two things: A) a fun, creative, harmless tribute to the pop culture that's enriched one's life, or B) a decidedly unusual glimpse into the mind of somebody who enjoys drawing every single Sonic The Hedgehog character as cybernetic, pregnant, and living in 1600s Williamsburg. Guess which type we're gonna talk about here?
Grand Moff Tarkin Is The King Of Sexy Star Wars Fan Art
If Princess Leia were to hand out medals to the sexiest Star Wars characters, the nominees would mostly be the usual suspects: herself, Poe, Rey, Han Solo, Porg #3. But don't dismiss the dark (side) horse, because to weirdos who post drawings on the internet, the avuncular Grand Moff Tarkin makes Slave Leia look like that guy in the cantina with a butt for a mouth.
For one reason or another, the internet is drowning in erotic artwork based on Tarkin's smoldering, skull-faced sexuality. Here's one wherein he's seducing Princess Leia, presumably to keep her in a good mood when he turns around and blows up her planet.
And then there's Rogue One-era Tarkin, who spends as much time in the closet as in the Uncanny Valley, judging by fan art that insists he and Imperial weapons developer Orson Krennic desperately wanted to bone.
Here's Krennic doing his best to get Tarkin's attention -- and by "attention," we mean his dong:
It initially looks like Tarkin couldn't care less about the guy who keeps whining about being credited on the Death Star byline. But, this being internet smut, any will-they-or-won't-they quickly becomes "they will, and they DO."
Of course, Tarkin repays Krennic for his sweet loving by blowing him up along with everyone else on Scarif's Imperial base. That's a depressing end to this greatest of love stories, so here's a shirtless Tarkin wrestling Ewoks:
Post-Apocalyptic Charlie Brown Is A Major Thing
If you want to quickly grit up a few fun characters, simply stick them in a post-apocalyptic setting and let them run wild. More than a few people have done this with Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang, as if being stuck in a world dominated by invisible mush-mouthed parent demons wasn't hellish enough.
Of course, it's one thing to make a gritty Snoopy drawing here and a sexy gun-toting Lucy photo shoot there. Artist Jason Yungbluth went the extra mile and created an entire series about the former Peanuts kids struggling to survive after a nuclear war. Called Weapon Brown, it's what happens when Mad Max stars a grade-schooler who can't kick a football to save his life.
Having alopecia from childhood turns you into a bit of a grouch.
Yep, that's Good Ol' Robo-Armed Charlie Brown ... kind of. Supposedly, this is an entirely new character who happens to be named Chuck, happens to be bald, happens to wear that shirt, and happens to pal around with a white dog named Snoop.
The other characters show up too. Lucy's a villain -- though again, it's not THAT Lucy. She calls Chuck a "blockhead," but this time it's a psychological trigger word she uses to disable him and put him under her control. Think the Winter Soldier, minus the magnificent hair.
Just about everything Peanuts gets warped in the weaponized dishwasher. The Kite-Eating Tree is now an actual man-eating monster that looks like a tree. Pigpen is a dirty drug addict. Schroeder plays piano in a smoky, dingy bar. Peppermint Patty runs a brothel, and Marcie is her very favorite employee.
As for Linus, he not only commands an evil sentient being he calls his "Security Blanket," but he even summons the Great Pumpkin in a Satanic ritual. This "pumpkin" is a monstrous Sarlacc-like beast with lobster claws that winds up killing everyone but Chuck and Snoop.
Whether Weapon Brown ever returns for more adventures is unknown, but even if he doesn't, he's created enough good grief for Peanuts purists to last several lifetimes.
The Zootopia Fan Comic About Abortion, Of All Possible Things
Zootopia is about as cute and wholesome a film as you can get, its most controversial stances being "rabbits can be cops" and "sloths are meant for the DMV." But then furry fandom took over, and decided that because the heroes are a guy fox and a girl bunny, they absolutely make it with the sexytime after clocking out for the day.
One particularly warped fan combined X-rated Zootopia fantasies with their hardline anti-abortion opinions and created "I Will Survive," the story of Judy the rabbit learning she's having Nick the fox's baby. Nick's ecstatic about the news, but Judy much less so. In fact, she doesn't want to be pregnant, and not only because it's part fox and might be born so big that she literally explodes.
Her A#1 reason for wanting an abortion is that she's up for a promotion, and really doesn't need some yowling fox-rabbit thing mucking up her climb up the career ladder. Nick, our wholesome protagonist, reacts to the news in a calm and mature manner:
Nick is horrified and righteously indignant that Judy would even consider an abortion (a sentence Zootopia's creators probably never foresaw). He argues that, had Judy been aborted, the big conspiracy they unraveled in the movie would remain raveled, and he would be as empty and unloved as ever. It's the furry version of "What if they aborted Beethoven?", complete with Nick descending into full mania by screaming, "I beg you -- please let your light continue to shine through him or her!"
Judy sticks to her guns, even slashing Nick in the face when he accuses her of killing their baby for her career. After that, Nick angrily calls her out for committing "premeditated sin," and then storms out, their relationship and the possibility of Zootopia 2 in ruins.
At the very end, Nick tells Judy not to worry about him, tearfully claiming, "I will survive." Yes, the comic's title isn't about the baby, or even the evil sin-mommy who'd rather bust bad guys than change diapers. It's all about the man being in the right, having been wronged by some silly girl who believes "my body, my choice."
Apparently the author is planning a sequel called See You Next Wednesday, with a close-up of Judy's tear-filled face acting as a teaser. It's a hint that this comic's anti-abortion stance is sincere, and Judy won't open up part two by concluding Nick's a jerk right before calling up her old pal Bugs for a booty call.
People Love Drawing Wolverine Getting Lost In The Woods And Running Into Freddie Mercury
If you want a job in the comic book industry, you have to really hook the editors with something so creative, so incredible, so eye-opening that they'll have no choice but to hire you. Or they might laugh your ridiculous idea straight to the rejection bin, as Marvel Comics did with this Wolverine / Freddie Mercury mashup that hit their submission pile with all the grace of your drunk uncle reaching for the falsetto in "Somebody To Love."
Yes, it's real. Somebody decided that the best way to get work with Marvel would be to pitch them a scene in which Wolverine randomly wanders the woods, only to encounter Queen's Freddie Mercury in all his pornstached glory. The most surprising part: They don't have sex. It just ends there. As you might expect, the mystery job-seeker wasn't hired, both because this was too stupid even for the company that mashed up Spider-Man and SNL, and presumably because the artist never bothered with a follow-up. For all we know, Wolvie and Freddie went on an epic adventure together, or they fought over who had the manliest chest hair. Either way, we would read.
This one-page pairing has somehow inspired multiple copycats, each one the same basic setup: Wolvie sees Freddie Mercury, is surprised, fade to black. Sometimes it's a zombie Wolvie getting his head knocked off by Mercury's rock star theatrics ...
... while other times, Mercury's sitting on a golden throne wearing a flowingly royal robe.
There's A Series About Henry Rollins And Glenn Danzig Being A Loving Couple
To a small subset of their fandom, Henry Rollins is more than the macho Black Flag guy with more VH1 appearances than songs, and Glenn Danzig is more than the cranky Misfits guy with a brick pile fetish. To these people, Rollins and Danzig are star-crossed lovers for life.
This is Henry & Glenn Forever & Ever, a collection of comics and short stories depicting the rock icons as everything from bondage-clad superheroes to Adam and Eve. That is, of course, when they're not a regular couple dealing with regular couple issues, like jealousy over one's career going better than the other's ...
... or insecurities about their bodies (well, Danzig's, anyway) ...
... or dealing with wacky Satanic neighbors who are also Hall & Oates.
Originally, Glennry Rollzig was the work of an art group called Igloo Tornado, who got drunk in 2004 and turned that brain fog into a series of zines starring their two favorite '80s alpha males sitting in a tree, R-O-C-K-I-N-G. Since then, it's taken on a life of its own, prompting an entire art show in 2011, featuring other people's interpretations of the pair's life together. They battle evil with Danzig as Conan the Barbarian and Rollins as, well, Conan's horse ...
... and, naturally, make out as a pair of Jar-Jar Binkses.
As for what the two think about the Glenn Ship Rollipop: Rollins hasn't read it but loves the idea, while Danzig hasn't read it but despises everything about it, which is the most Danzig response one could ask for.
Snape And Hermione Get It On All Over The Internet
Harry Potter's known for three things by this point: magic, making running around while straddling a broomstick an acceptable activity and not a sign of clinical insanity, and every character getting paired up with every other character by someone on the internet. Some make sense (Harry/Hermione, Snape/Lily, Dobby/Sock), while others make us wonder if these people read the same books we did, or if they can read at all.
Speaking of which, here's Severus Snape and Hermione Granger, a teacher/student combo who rarely -- if ever -- got along, falling deeply into varying shades of love and lust. Sometimes the art is thoroughly goofy, like in the one where they're an old-timey couple, or the one in which Snape's a baby all of a sudden:
But for the most part, Snapione is plain disturbing, especially since she's underage for most of the series and Snape absolutely isn't. Nevertheless, here's Snape creepily caressing a sleeping Hermione, who's now a ginger because the artist's naughty parts said so.
Of a similar note is this one, wherein Snape is drawing a sleeping Hermione like one of his French girls, and we have no way of knowing whether she asked him to do that or not. But enough cringy romantic stuff, let's get to the cringy kissy stuff! And boy howdy is it out there.
If, after seeing the old and unwashed Snape slobber all over a teenage girl, you start wishing for a dementor to come and take you away, don't feel alone. We started praying for one as we were writing this. And does the madness end with kissing? Nope! There's a ton of fan art that we're absolutely not linking to, so here's a post-coital Snape snuggling what looks like a pillow with Hermione's face.
That's all super disgusting, but at least it's nothing but a small, fringe community circle-jerking this stuff for their own lonely enjoymen--
Dammit. Pass the butterbeer.
Support Cracked's journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Are you following us on Facebook yet?