When the movie starts, Jafar is already secretly running the city: He controls the Sultan through hypnosis, and the guards patrolling the streets specifically mention that they work for him. The result? Agrabah is virtually crime-free (if not for Aladdin), has a thriving economy, and is populated by happy, non-oppressed people. Jafar has turned it into one of the cleanest, most peaceful, most successful ancient civilizations ever portrayed.

And yet, Jafar is branded the bad guy when he understandably tries to stop the three greatest threats to Agrabah's freedom and security: 1) the Sultan, a bumbling idiot dictator who changes laws on a whim, 2) Aladdin, a dangerous thief/conman who is easily able to manipulate the Sultan, and 3) Jasmine, the spoiled, insubordinate princess so fed up with being rich that she runs away from home, at which point she thoughtlessly steals food from a merchant. She's so out of touch with reality, it's literally criminal.

Walt Disney Studios

Jafar's hypnotic staff and quest for the lamp are merely a contingency to ensure his benevolent reign. Even his song was the best. Long may he rule.

The a*****e:

Mr. Hector (played by Tim Curry) is the concierge at the Plaza Hotel, where 10-year-old Kevin McCallister rents a room after he boards the wrong plane during a family vacation and ends up in New York City. Hector is a suspicious dick to Kevin the whole time: He sneaks into the kid's room to spy on him, tries to arrest him for using a "stolen" credit card, and chases him out of the hotel so he gets, you know, Lost In New York.

20th Century Fox

But Wait ...

The concierge was merely acting like a decent human being. What type of monster sees a 10-year-old boy checking into a hotel all alone and doesn't think there's something fishy going on?

It's Mr. Hector's job to call the authorities when people use a credit card that's been reported stolen. It's also the sort of thing we should be rooting for, especially since, legally, Kevin is an underage, runaway credit card thief who f*****g lures criminals into torture houses and tries to murder them for entertainment. Mr. Hector's only mistake was failing to hold Kevin for the proper authorities, but the kid had just tricked him into believing there was a shooter in the building (there's another, very serious crime right there), a situation that understandably demands more urgent attention than some delinquent brat.

20th Century Fox

And how does Kevin's mom repay this concern at the end of the movie? By slapping Mr. Hector on the face in front of all his employees, after he politely warned her that wandering New York City at night, alone, is dangerous for a woman. Man, guests were so much nicer back in Transsexual, Transylvania.

The Assholes:

The government agents in E.T. invade young Elliott Taylor's home, place his family on house-arrest, and try to steal Elliott's alien pal E.T. for dissection. Later, they try to stop the kid from taking E.T. to the mothership so he can return to his planet. If you grew up in the '80s and distrust the government, it's probably due to equal parts E.T. and, well, just paying attention to the government.

But Wait ...

Honestly, these might be the most competent government workers ever seen on film. Let's start with the fact that they are incredibly prepared for a potentially hostile extraterrestrial touchdown and arrive there, like, three minutes after the aliens themselves. Then, not only do they avoid hurting anyone, they actually notice one of the aliens is missing, search diligently for it, and find it. It would have taken Fox Mulder eight seasons to do the same thing.

As for the scene where they invade Elliott's house: remember, both E.T. and the boy are sick at that point.

Universal Pictures

The government does everything they can to save both their lives -- they even set up an ER in Elliott's living room so that the boy can be treated in his own home instead of being kidnapped to some top secret facility! That's what we call putting our tax dollars to work, baby.

Universal Pictures

Then, when E.T. (temporarily) dies, they share genuine sorrow with Elliott and plan to study the dead body for the education of everyone, because why wouldn't they? It's just donating a body to science at that point. When Elliott's brother steals their truck and important alien specimen (which was still just an ugly corpse, as far as the government knows), they showed incredible restraint by not blowing them to smithereens. In fact, they ultimately don't harm anyone, or stop E.T. from going home. The government boss guy, Keys, even offers support to Elliott's mom while she goes through the nerve-wracking experience of watching her kid hug it out with a talking s**t emoji.

Universal Pictures

Of course, Maria ends up coming back, gets hitched with Georg, and they all escape from the Nazis together. Yay!

But Wait ...

Oh, right: This whole thing happens in Austria during Nazi times. Meaning that Elsa's plan of sending the kids off to a boarding school is actually a pretty good idea -- once there, they'll have both safety and a real education (as in, they'll learn about topics other than the glory of the master race).

20th Century Fox

Elsa actually handles the whole Maria situation admirably well. She politely takes Maria aside, in private, and mentions that Maria may be inadvertently developing feelings for her boss and stealing him away, which is kind of the opposite of being a nun. Maria herself suggests that she go to back the Abbey before she becomes a homewrecker, and Elsa calmly agrees. She asks if she can do anything to help Maria, respectfully keeps her silence about the whole thing so as not to disgrace her, and even wishes her luck. None of you have ever treated a potential partner-stealer so well.

Maria then returns against her own sound advice and Georg immediately dumps Elsa for this hot, young, soon-to-be-former nun (the Baroness plays it off like it's a mutual breakup, but it's obvious she's just trying to preserve her dignity). Elsa hasn't even had time to summon a car before her ex is making out with the nanny in the gazebo outside her window.

20th Century Fox

The aliens' backstory could be anything from "space invaders" to "space teachers whose space bus crashed on a space field trip." They make their presence known, but are wary to get close to us. They don't carry weapons (or pants). They won't break your pantry door to save their life, even when you start chopping pieces off of them. We never see them harm anyone in the whole movie.

And about the radio guy's theory that their hand spores are deadly? Yeah, the only person we see get sprayed with it, Gibson's son, ends up just fine. Most significantly: Even though it's visible from outer space that the Earth is 71 percent covered with water, they landed here anyway. There's no way they saw that and still chose to invade. Either they stopped here out of sheer desperation, or their alien space bus was a bit shorter than the normal one.

Nathan is a Christian and says things like, "Thank you, God, for this breakfast!" He is also called Treegnome, and is the leading expert on how Force Awakens is the worst film ever!

For more bad guys that were anything but, check out 9 Famous Movie Villains Who Were Right All Along and 5 Movie Villains (Who Are Actually The Good Guys).

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