"What's that? You wanted to keep living anyway? My bad." -your body
It turns out that male pattern baldness and prostate cancer are good chums. In a study conducted by the National Cancer Institute, 4,000 men of all ages were tested, and researchers found that balding men had a significantly increased rate of prostrate cancer. For those men who had any degree of balding at all, they were at a 56 percent greater risk of dying from prostate cancer within a 21-year period. Those with moderate balding, meanwhile, were 83 percent more cancer-prone than the smug bastards with intact carpets on their heads.
Another study showed that being bald in the front and the crown of your head by age 45 makes you 40 percent more likely to have aggressive prostate cancer when you're older. The explanation? It's probably that prostate cancer and balding are caused by the same thing: too much testosterone. You're just too manly for your own good.
Start leaving this lying around wherever you go to let potential partners know what a stud you are.
The silver lining is that beating cancer is all about detecting it early, so if your hands end up too full of hair after shampooing, go get your ass checked, pronto.