6 Jaw-Dropping Sex Stories From Historical Myths

Around about the time Zeus turned into a swan and raped a girl, we figured out that mythology had some pretty weird sexual hang-ups. But there's "ornithological sexual assault" weird, and then there's ...


Indra, The Hindu God With A Thousand Vaginas

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Indra was considered the king of the Hindu gods. Much like Zeus, he threw lightning bolts at people and disguised himself as women's husbands so that he could have sex with them on the sly. Apparently it is very hard for the lords of all creation to get some legitimate action.

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Weird. You'd think those two extra hands would give him an edge.

Indra lusted after Ahalya, the wife of the sage Gautama, so he floated down to Earth and disguised himself as Gautama while the sage was away, then proceeded to initiate the no-pants dance with Ahalya. When Gautama found out, he was hopping mad and decided to inflict an ironic punishment on Indra -- he cursed the god to sprout a thousand vaginas all over his body, presumably while yelling, "Yo dawg, I heard you like pussy!"

Balasaheb Pandit Pant Pratinidhi

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Too bad no exact illustration is available. A picture is worth a thousand vulvas.
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Indra was mortified and went into hiding, and the other gods went looking for him. When they finally found him, he was covered in blood. And it wasn't because he was hurt. The gods, repulsed by Indra's full-body menstruation, undid the curse by turning all of the vaginas into eyes, which gave Indra his official title as the Thousand-Eyed God. Although, in another version of the story, they merely try to hide the vaginas by painting them to look like eyes, because apparently in those days they either had really weird eyes or really weird vaginas.


Indra spent the rest of his days seeking a cure for pink eye.

Maximon, The Guatemalan Saint Of Gambling And Debauchery

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Catholicism has patron saints for just about everything, and if you travel to South America you can find some rather obscure ones. Like in Guatemala, where they pray to Maximon, the drunken, chain-smoking saint of wanton debauchery.

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God said, "Let there be Camel Lights." And it was goooooood.

The Vatican strongly discourages Catholics from praying to Maximon, but that doesn't stop them. So what is it about Maximon that makes him distasteful to the Church but endearing to the people? It's probably his origin story. One day, when all of the other men were out working the fields, Maximon did the only logical thing he could: He had sex with literally all of their wives. All of them. In one day. The enraged husbands returned to find the entire town sticky and satisfied, so they did the only logical thing they could: They chopped off all of Maximon's limbs, then lynched him. That's right: They tetherballed the poor bastard.

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"So, I guess no high-five for all the sex, then? Don't leave me hanging, bro!"

Today, venerators of Maximon consider him a saint of fertility, male sexual power, and wealth. They set up shrines to him in their homes, which usually take the form of a short, limbless, mustachioed man in a sombrero, smoking a cigar, and surrounded by offerings of booze, cash, and fruit.

Sstepper/Wiki Commons

He is also the patron saint of slot machines.

Every day, save for his own feast day, they cover his face "for fear that his sexuality may run rampant." We're not sure what they expect him to do, being just a torso, but we certainly don't want to see the resulting porn. The priests that speak to Maximon directly are permanently drunk on grain alcohol, which seems to be a religious requirement. Locals say that they pray to him by drinking rum and smoking cigarettes. Some religions are just objectively better than others.

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Priapus, The Greek God With A Comically Huge Dick

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Ancient Greek art tended to portray heroes with cute little penises tucked neatly away. But that rule went straight out the window if you were talking about the Greek god Priapus, who was more commonly portrayed like this:

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And now you know where the word "priapism" comes from.

Priapus was the son of Aphrodite. The legend goes that the queen of the gods, Hera, was jealous of Aphrodite's superior beauty, so she cursed Aphrodite's son to be born hideous, and with a comically oversized schlong. Basically, he would be Ron Jeremy.

The sight of Priapus offended the small-dick-loving Greek gods, so he was cast out of Mount Olympus and lived on Earth with a bunch of satyrs, people with horse-like features who taught him how to live in harmony with nature and fuck just ... everything.

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Oh my. What cold and cruel punishment.

In one story, Priapus tried to get it on with the goddess Hestia while she was asleep, but a nearby donkey brayed so loudly that it woke her up, and Priapus fled the scene. Greeks have celebrated their Feast of Hestia ever since by decorating donkeys. Incidentally, that's also where the popular party game pin the tail on the donkey came from -- though it wasn't always a tail ...

All right, so that last bit isn't technically true, but it should be.

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Enki, The Sumerian God Who Ejaculated The Universe

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Humankind learned pretty quickly that there is a connection between sex and creation, but nobody expressed this more literally and succinctly than the Sumerians, whose god Enki managed to create the whole world in one mammoth masturbation session the likes of which can only be compared to a teenager who has just discovered RedTube.

via Wikimedia

"When you look at the night sky and see the stars, you're basically looking
at my version of blacklight sheet stains."

After literally cumming the universe into existence, Enki turned his sights to the arid lands of the Middle East, which just turned him on even more. He dug two massive trenches using his raging boner as a shovel, and then jerked off into them, creating the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, which formed the cradle of civilization. The overflow of his torrent of semen created the first plants. Enki completed his jerk session by ejaculating human beings into the world and then demanding that they worship his penis.

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In all fairness, we would've done the same.

Inuvayla'u And His Serpentine Prehensile Dick

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The people of the Trobriand Islands in Papua New Guinea have a traditional dance with a legend behind it, the legend of Inuvayla'u. He was a local clan leader who was blessed with an enormous dick that could move like a snake, and as such he had the power to bone people from a distance, like some kind of sex sniper. It was a power he used liberally. One technique was to cut a hole in the wall of their house and then thrust his serpentine dick in, where it would snake its way through the house until it located a vagina and then did its thing.

Carrie Boucher / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images

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It was a lot of fun, except for the splinters.

Eventually, the townspeople got pissed off enough at Inuvayla'u and his stealth crotch snake that they ganged up on him and dunked him in a river. Apparently this was an incredibly potent shaming technique, because Inuvayla'u was so mortified that he took an ax and chopped off his own dick, cut it to pieces and spread it all around the forest before fleeing into exile.

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If you gotta cut off your giant woody, lumberjacking is the way to do it.
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He eventually became homesick, though, so he prostituted his own mother in exchange for body paint, returned to the village, and taught everyone a song and dance about his life. It's probably not hitting Broadway any time in the near future.

The Numerous Legends Of The Wandering Vagina


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The Mehinaku people of the Amazon have an interesting way with language. Instead of saying "I am thirsty," they'll say "My tongue is hurting." In the same way, "I am horny" becomes "My genitals are hungry." This conjures up some disturbing images, but it also explains a curious story in their folklore.

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According to the legend, all women's vaginas used to detach from their bodies at night and wander around the village looking for food. Because apparently in the Amazon, if you wake up to find that your pantry has been raided, you immediately assume that a free-wandering vagina did it.

Susan Wood/Getty Images/Archive Photos/Getty

"Pantry raids, panty raids ... there are vaginas of some kind involved here."

The story goes that a man once woke up in the middle of the night to find a stray vagina eating his leftovers, so he took a fire brand to it. The vagina scurried back to its owner, who woke up in agony over her seared unmentionables and later advised all the other local women not to let their vaginas wander around at night. And that's why women's vaginas no longer roam free, because apparently that needed a legend to explain.

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It was the only thing about women the Mehinaku men could explain.

The natives of Hawaii have a similar story about the goddess Kapo-kohe-lele, literally translated to "Kapo with the flying vagina." Kama-pua'a wanted to marry Kapo's sister Pele, but she rejected his advances because he was literally a pig. Kama-pua'a threatened to rape Pele if she continued to ignore him, so Kapo came to the rescue by ripping out her vagina and throwing it away like a Frisbee. Kama-pua'a chased it and never came back. Apparently, Kapo never went in search of her discarded organ, so if you're ever in Hawaii, be careful where you step.

Kelly Stanaway studies current and ancient mythology as a hobby and can be found on Twitter. She also has an ebook, Rending The Seal, available through Smashwords. You can say hi to Abraham on Twitter, or visit his DeviantArt account. Laura H enjoys obscene musicals and pretending that she has a future. Follow her on Twitter.

Want to see Cracked editors talking post-apocalyptic movie worlds with scientists and special guests during a LIVE PODCAST at UCB on Dec. 9 at 7 p.m.? Then do it! Tickets are on sale now.

Ready for more crazy mythology? How about some spunk island and poop gods? Maybe some detachable wieners? See all that and more in Bukkake Of The Gods: Japan's Insane Creation Myths and 5 Ancient Gods Whose Genitals Should Have Their Own Movie.

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