Sometimes we'd put ketchup in the milk and give it to Rick. Heh. Good ol' Rick.
The U.S. government apparently takes great pride in its totalitarian control of our cow juice intake, given that, according to The Man, children get so little calcium at home that, had someone not stepped in, every single American kid would grow up to be Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable.
It turns out that milk and its calcium-rich dairy cousins don't get you one bit closer to being the proud owner of a Wolverine-like skeleton.
To ascertain whether Big Calcium's claims were really correct, researchers at the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine analyzed the results of all the studies done on the subject and found that the vast majority of them found no evidence that drinking milk does what science teachers or be-hairnetted lunch ladies told you it would: "Neither increased consumption of dairy products, specifically, nor total dietary calcium consumption has shown even a modestly consistent benefit for child or young adult bone health." Moreover, a Cornell researcher found that the countries consuming the most cow's milk actually have the worst bone health in the world overall.
Chad Baker/Jason Reed/Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty
Of course that may be because those countries also have the most skateboarding.
While it's true that calcium gives bones their strength, it appears that drinking milk may not be the best way to get calcium, and that "exercise, heredity, hormone levels, smoking, protein intake, and intake of vitamins D and K matter more than milk."
Now, nobody's saying this is all a conspiracy by the government to force potentially lactose-intolerant children to drink fart-provoking milk in order to harness their precious methane to power the next wave of American war machines -- we just haven't heard anybody deny it, either. Don't you think that's strange?
You can contact Eddie with writing opportunities, or just to say hi, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Himanshu, meanwhile, is wondering what the hell's up with everybody over on Twitter.
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