The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet
The Internet is enormous. And given that it has, up to this point, been almost completely anonymous it's not surprising there are some pretty strange parts. So it takes a mind-bending, almost admirable level of dedication to stand out among the tangle of crazy. These are seven websites that prove the internet can still make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end ...
Meet the dark side of YouTube (we know -- you thought YouTube was nothing but one giant dark side). Meet Edward Muscare, also known as Edarem:
He looks like equal parts "unsettling uncle no longer allowed at the family reunion" and "half-mad grandpa screaming obscenities at the cat" with just a dash of Emperor Palpatine and two shakes of "fairy tale witch" thrown in for flavor. But his channel isn't anything too disturbing: He films himself giving opinions on current events, ranting about daily annoyances and lip-synching to his favorite songs. He looks pretty unsettling, sure, but it's also kind of cute: Here's this weird old guy just having fun and being eccentric, singing "Pretty Woman" and wishing happy birthday to some of his old flames. And then, there is this:
Yep. Registered sexual offender, convicted for sexual battery back in 1987. Remember that birthday video? Watch it again now, and the context completely changes: It's a terrifying sex offender singing children's songs to "the one that got away," Most likely from his van.
"Ah, Marisa. Sweet as honeysuckle ..." -Actual Quote.
Reborn-Baby.com is the website of an artist who displays and sells her handcrafted baby dolls, called "Reborn Babies," and don't worry, folks, it's not just a creepy name.
That does no justice to the true horror of the thing.
The glossy, dead eyes, the disturbing attention to detail -- even mapping out individual veins below the skin -- an unquestionably talented artist has used her gift to conquer the uncanny valley and rule it with an iron fist from atop Mount Soul-Rape in Involuntarily Urination Castle. To fully impress upon you the scale of their horror, there's not much we can say that the images don't scream inside of your mind with a thousand ghostly voices:
Here's one, right before it turns its gaze to look upon you, and begins singing.
The eyes -- it's always the eyes. They do not see, and yet they know all!
Oh, God, we were wrong: The hands. How are the hands worse than the eyes?!
The Buffy Boards
You can find an Internet forum for pretty much anything, from fans of My Little Pony to people who like to get peed on by fans of My Little Pony. So at first glance, the Bloody Board, a forum for fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, seems comfortingly normal. They post tweets from former cast members of the show (mostly about how much it sucks to work at this gas station now), speculate about plot points, discuss favorite episodes and fan art -- the usual stuff. But on close inspection, something's just a little off ...
One user, "jamie_marsters" appears to be quite prolific, posting and replying many, many times a day. We suppose it's sort of creepy that she's taken the name of Buffy star James Marsters, and changed it to Jamie to imply familiarity, like an ex-girlfriend or an old babysitter might. A quick look at the profile statistics and things get much worse. Look at the number of total posts "jamie" has made:
Huh, she must be really into the community to make almost 40,000 posts. The only problem being: There's no community. There is only jamie_marsters. Scrolling through the archives reveals that there are virtually no other users, just this one, posting non stop, replying to herself, over and over again, every minute of every day for the last six years, alone inside her own dark little echo-chamber of madness.
The Sim City 3000 Utopia
Vincent Ocasla has beaten Sim City 3000. For those of you saying, "So what? He beat a video game," you should know that beating Sim City is like finishing Pac-Man or arguing with your wife -- there is no actual "win" condition. Or so the creators thought, but they didn't count on Ocasla's unsettling obsession. He created a flawless, fully functional Sim City of roughly six million residents, and it only took him four years. Those aren't "in-game years" either -- those are actual real years of his life: 1.5 years of theory and planning, and 2.5 years of construction (read: clicking on water pipes and power lines while he slowly forgets what it is to experience human love). Though the object of this particular obsession is utterly harmless, the existential dread starts to kick in after you view his video.
The amount of sheer calculation and planning that has gone into this city is beyond any harmless hobby. While we were going about our daily routines, Ocasla was planning. While we were laughing, struggling and just getting by, Ocasla was planning. While we were making love and arguing and growing old together, Ocasla was planning -- planning his ruthlessly efficient, totalitarian dream-state. The ominous Latin names and sinister music in the video don't do anything to convince us he's not the next Borg overlord, either. And then there are his words. When asked about the fact that in his city, the average life of a citizen lasted only 50 years, he stated: "Health of the Sims was not a priority, relative to the main objective."
Main objective is efficiency; life is inefficient; life hinders the main objective; life must be eliminated.
Related: Andre 3000 Is Becoming Rap's Bigfoot
Louisville Free Face
With all the Craigslist posters asking for someone to fart in their hair while they jerk off in an astronaut suit, the simple perversions often get overlooked. Like the man behind Louisville Free Face, who doesn't want anything super-freaky at all, save to go yodeling in some lady's valley. In fact, he loves taking the V-train downtown so much that he decided to set up a website informing all the ladies in the Louisville, Ky., area. Here's some info from his "about me" page.
Notice anything unusual?
Hint: It's not his age.
But hell, if that's perversion, then a lot of 14-year-old Twilight fans need to start registering with the state. Dude loves head; that's his bag. Big deal. Then you get to the "terms and restrictions," "privacy," and "application" pages.
That's right, you have to apply to let the hillbilly vampire put his tongue inside your genitals. That implies there's so much demand that he's rejecting applicants, which in turn implies that he may be completely delusional. And when you take some aspects of the application into account, like the question, "Do you like any of these other things used on you or done while you are receiving oral?" which has multiple-choice answers including "pop rocks," "ice cubes" and "electricity" -- you can safely figure that either the Vampire Lord of Kentucky Oral is quite insane, or else he learned about the birds and the bees from Jack Bauer.
Oh, and hey, if you're a satisfied customer, he'd appreciate it if you tell your friends and maybe give him a quote to put on the site. You know, in case you have some extra dignity you need to burn off. (We're not going to link off to "God's" page here, simply because we don't want the FBI investigating our entire readership. If you're desperate enough to catch Internet Herpes, you're more than welcome to Google "Louisville Free Face.")
Humanbeing151, who goes by the name "Insomniac," has a desire to meet P. Diddy that is so intense it can only be quantified as "Lovecraftian." His YouTube profile says that he has "150,000 written songs," and while he has nearly 1,300 videos, only one of them has any music. Or sanity.
There's only one message in all of these videos: Diddy needs to check his MySpace inbox because he's been sent an "important message." Various titles for these plaintive clips include "Diddy Dear Mr Diddy please read this," "Diddy TV official," and "Diddy Diddy diddy diddy diddy DIDDY P diddy Puff Diddy diddy twitter." While most desperate YouTube stars throw "BOOBS TITS HALO" into the video tags when they want people to find their videos, Insomniac takes the less-subtle approach and puts these things straight in the title. Presumably in the hopes that Diddy, while incessantly Googling himself one day, will stumble across "P.Diddy dirty money angels diddy angels Diddy dirty money angels angels dirty money," and click on it, wondering how he forgot that time he starred in an anal-centric porno.
If you follow the video feed chronologically, you can see the downward spiral of a man that starts at "complete insanity" and somehow goes downhill from there. As evidenced by some of his more recent videos, which have titles like "i will pay $5000 to see Diddy," featuring a background image of a man on all fours, utterly crushed with despair. So what's this all-consuming important message for Diddy? We don't know; he won't say. We can only assume it has something to do with this:
A room in Insomniac's home is filled with what appears to be thousands upon thousands of notebooks. What could they be? Songbooks? An epic poem detailing the importance of sub-standard sample-based hip hop? A new Bible with every single name replaced by "Diddy"? Eventually, Insomniac pulls one out and flips though it, where we can see that every single page is filled with the words "Dear Mr. P Diddy please accept" or "Brother Diddy please accept."
Insomniac's dream is so desperate and heart-wrenching, we can't help but root for him a little bit and hope that he finally gets his wish to meet Diddy in person. Besides, Diddy's one of the richest entertainers in the world; after Insomniac's done sewing his Brother Diddy Suit, Mr. Combs could almost certainly afford some new skin.
"Kerry's TV, Mask & Lycra Page"
If you've ever spent more than an hour searching for porn, you've probably stumbled upon a tranny site, and while Eddie Izzard and 80s glam metal have taught us understanding and shown us that dressing up like a chick doesn't have to be wrong or pornographic, "Kerry" is here to teach us that transvestites can be objectively terrifying even without the surprise wang reveal.
Kerry is a straight, married, male cross-dresser whose interests include "movies, British media, science fiction, computers" and "growing ever more powerful as he feeds off of your fear." We understand that he's trying to look more like a woman and that not everyone is capable of doing so with just some eye shadow and lipstick, but his mask barely resembles a human being in the first place, and that human being happens to be Michael Myers in the second.
Or what looks like a very racist interpretation of Oprah:
He's like Buffalo Bill, but without the pit and the murder ... as far as we know.
Kerry also enjoys cosplaying.
She dresses up as The Avengers' Emma Peel:
And she even takes videos:
Videos that unhinge you from reality and send you hurtling off on a one-way trip into the black abyss of insanity. And hey, what trip is complete without souvenirs!? Buy some Kerry masks of your own on his site! For the kids!
For more reasons to be scared of the Internet, check out The 5 Circles of Baffling Web Comic Hell and 6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet.
And stop by Linkstorm to see more nightmares the Internet can offer.
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