If Movie Characters Didn't Make Horrible Decisions
If you lived in a universe of movie characters you would probably be bored to tears by the daily monster attacks and underdog miracles and high speed chases (though on the plus side, Social Security and pension funds wouldn't be in crisis because nobody ever reaches retirement).
This begs the question: Since people go to the movies to escape their ordinary lives, what kind of movies would movie characters want to watch? What crazy stories would boggle their minds?
When supersoldier Joseph Ramirez is sent alone on a special mission to take down the entire Iranian army, he is mowed down in a hail of gunfire. His superiors are forced to face an outraged nation and scores of disciplinary hearings asking them why on earth they thought this would be a good idea.
Magic Doesn't Work
Lacey was everything to Brian. When a car accident takes her life, he vows to bring her back, risking his life to discover a forbidden occult ritual that will bring her back from the dead. He is warned that tampering with the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead could bring great evil into the world, and that what comes back to him will no longer be his wife. When nothing actually happens, Brian is at a loss, until he remembers magic doesn't exist. Realizing he has let his grief make him stupid, he finally accepts Lacey's death, enabling him to get on with his life.
The Downward Spirals
When washed-up ex-con Harry Stedman is brought in to manage a Little League team of misfits and outcasts, nobody thinks they'll get anywhere, which turns out to be a pretty reasonable assumption. They lose every game of the season, becoming more and more demoralized as teammates quit one by one and Stedman relapses into alcoholism.
Terence Barnes had everything: a perfect job, a lovely wife and two happy, healthy children. When they are brutally murdered, as families often are, Barnes refuses to rest until he has gone to the police, given a statement and fully cooperated with police and prosecutors.
In an unexpected twist ending, the murderers are caught and convicted, due to an overwhelming amount of evidence.
Routine Flight Delay
When an ordinary flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles is delayed due to bad weather, the passengers find themselves trapped together in the cabin with no end in sight. As passengers' find their possessions mysteriously disappearing, suspicion grows that one of them is up to no good.
Later, they discover that their things had rolled under one of the seats, because the floor is uneven.
As the passengers wait out the delay, they began to discover disturbing things about each other. For example, Lindsay appears to be an ordinary flight attendant, but her plastic smile and distant behavior gradually lead passengers to suspect she is in fact an ordinary flight attendant.
The Painted Box
They were just four average, perfect-skinned, extremely good-looking teenagers, just like anyone else, until they found the box. "Don't open it," the old hermit warned them. "It will destroy your souls." He seemed pretty serious about it, so they put it back. They then have a great weekend playing Wii and hanging out at the mall.
After Danny Rizzo loses yet another wisecracking maverick partner to an explosion, he dreads being paired up with still another loose cannon who gets things done. Instead, he gets James Flynn, a cop who likes to do everything the same way he does. When they find themselves reading suspects their Miranda rights in unison, they know this partnership was meant to be.
Together, they hit the streets and play it safe, steering responsibly away from things outside their jurisdiction and always calling for backup.
Drivers going 36, watch out! Rizzo and Flynn are on the case!
The film follows their careers together, traffic stop after traffic stop after noise complaint, until the last day before retirement.
They arrive to find a suspiciously empty office. Sensing something is wrong, they hurry to the chief's office, where the whole department surprises them with a party, and the chief winkingly tells them they can head home a day early and count it as a free "sick day" on him. After retiring, they move to Florida with their wives.
Like Oil And Water
When Sandra, a type A workaholic, is thrown together at work with Cal, a fun-loving slacker, the sparks fly as they take an instant dislike to each other. When 10 other co-workers get sick they are forced to go on a business trip to Las Vegas together, where a botched reservation lands them in the honeymoon suite. Being in such close quarters helps them realize they will never get along, and when they return to the office, they meet with HR and arrange to be assigned to different departments.
Just Stop It, Jim
Jim is a free-spirited unpredictable character always driving his co-workers crazy with his random and wacky antics. One day, his co-worker Fred sits him down and explains to him how it's pretty self-centered of him to put his need for attention ahead of other people's need to do work.
"It's really only funny to you, Jim."
Jim suddenly realizes how other people were affected by the hilarious incident where he accidentally set the office garage on fire as part of his crazy scheme to win his girlfriend back, and he can't ignore what happened to everyone else just because his relationship had a happy ending. He offers to pay for the damage to everyone's cars.
For more from Christina, check out CGI Boobs: 7 Special Effects Stars Want to Keep Secret and The 5 Miserable VFX Jobs That Make Movies Possible.
And stop by Linkstorm to see the latest movie about 4Chan.