The 9 Stupidest Superhero Secret Identities

Thanks to the Sorceress of the legendary Castle Grayskull, Prince Adam of Eternia is magically transformed into... the same dude, with a tan.

That's it. He's no bigger as He-man--you've probably never noticed this, but under that pink jacket Prince Adam's actually pretty muscular--he's just paler and wears more clothes. That's the same dramatic transformation you undergo every winter.

The Power of Grayskull.

If you ask us, the fabled and much sought Power of Grayskull is extremely overrated--although we can understand why a dude like Skeletor would be so desperate to get a part of this action.

"Beach season approaches, Beastman."

And yet it still fools everybody. According to He-Man's opening theme, only three people are aware of his "secret": the Sorceress, Man-At-Arms and Orko. Man-At-Arm's daughter, Teela, despite being Prince Adam's best friend since childhood, has never noticed that he looks exactly like He-Man, probably because she was too busy ogling his man-cleavage to notice anything else.

Like the rest of the Fantastic Four, The Thing's identity isn't really secret. Every member of their family has superpowers, so there's no one left to protect. But what if he just wants to escape the limelight for a little while? How can a gigantic, several ton rock monster just enjoy pedestrian life? Holograms? Shapeshifting? Mu-mu and motorcycle helmet?

Nope!

He dresses like a gigantic rock-shaped pervert.

And it works, too. Hell, even the movies used it:

Why even bother doing all the legwork of maintaining an entire separate identity if a raincoat and a hat make you functionally invisible to society. If only more superheroes wised up and took advantage of this wonderful idea...

OK, one guy in a trench coat--even one the size and shape of a Hummer--just minding his own business is fine, but FOUR walking together? Even if you are physically incapable of seeing faces and don't register that there are four monsters under there, it still looks like somebody's about to get raped.

...a green clothed teen suddenly joins the gang:

Nobody in that town is fooled for a second by the rainbow coalition of black belt teenagers. They're probably just thanking god there's no albino kids in town. Imagine the PR disaster, having your town saved by the White Power Ran-

And we are officially no longer trying: No mask, no cowl, no tan, just a colander on his head. A colander with wings.

The explanation was that he moved too fast for anyone to recognize him, but what about when he was carrying someone else at the same speed?

Or jumping on people from behind?

Or having his picture taken for the cover of a magazine?

And it didn't help that he wasn't exactly judicious when it came to using his powers...

He should play that Flash guy! What a game that would be!

Patch was originally introduced as an identity Wolverine assumed only while traveling to the Asian nation of Madripoor. So, in America he's a costumed madman who stabs people in the head...

"Holy! Did you see that shit!? Did you see what I just did? Tell me you were looking!"

...but in Madripoor, he's the respected owner of a bar called Princess and dresses accordingly.

Is the assumption that people in Madripoor have never even heard of the X-Men, so they wouldn't recognize Wolverine despite his flimsy disguise? Bullshit. No place on Earth, no matter how remote, would not have heard of the X-Men in the Marvel universe. They're a band of superpowered freaks on the news for saving the entire planet from buttchinned green dudes like every other weekend. But OK, we'll play your game, Marvel - nobody's ever heard of the X-Men in Madripoor. So if that's the case, why would he even bother wearing a disguise in the first place?

How does a lame trapeze act become famous, you ask? By getting themselves killed in front of a full audience, of course. Luckily for young Dick, Batman happened to be in the audience when all this happened, and adopted the boy. Unluckily for Dick, he decided that the exact same flamboyant circus outfit that his dead family just made front page news in would make a great super-secret superhero costume. This rampant disregard for Dick's out-of-costume identity, coupled with the inherent dangers of "fighting crime from the shadows" while wearing bright primary colors and no armor save for a Speedo and a V-neck shirt, begs the question: Why did Batman want Robin dead so badly?

We're thinking Robin had pictures.

This comes as no surprise: It's a cliche that Superman's glasses are the most laughably ineffective costume ever, but who cares? Changing that part of the mythos would be like taking the stars off the American flag. So screw suspension of disbelief: Superman predates it. He's got a free pass to be wearing the same completely unbelievable disguise 70 years later. The many, many other Super-characters, however, do not. Take Supergirl, Superman's cousin from planet Krypton, who is apparently into roleplaying and uses sex to deal with her abandonment issues (her home planet was never there for her, growing up).

Her secret identity, Linda Lang, is also the niece of Clark Kent's friend Lana. She even works at the Daily Planet, the same paper as Clark.

You'd think that at some point the Editor would notice that every glasses-wearing member of his staff mysteriously disappears whenever there's trouble, not to mention that all of his nerdly reporters are suspiciously built like Aryan wet dreams. But wait, there's more! There's also Superman's teenage clone, Superboy. While he has the good sense not to work in the same place as Clark Kent, he does go to his old school (Smallville High) and share his last name (Conner Kent).

Man, every nerd at this school looks like an Abercombie and Fitch catalog.

And it's not even over! After the film Superman Returns introduced Superman's six-year-old son with Lois Lane, the comics followed suit by having a Kryptonian boy of the same age conveniently show up in a spacecraft that lands in Metropolis.

Clark Kent and Lois Lane secretly adopt the boy and name him Chris Kent. So how do they alter his appearance so people won't recognize the alien child everyone saw arrive?

Even the fictional characters are starting to get bitter over how lame a plot device this is.

Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile, and when he's not being harassed by earthquakes he likes to waste his time writing back to scammers or making stupid comics. He has published a few comics in his home country, and he'll write some for you if you pay him.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Know way too much about a random topic? Create a topic page and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

For more comic book bafflingness, check out 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow and The 5 Worst Comic Book Sidekicks of All Time.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 07.12.10) to see David Wong's fatter, more terrible alter ego.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.