The 8 Most Ill-Conceived Product Names of All-Time

8

The TrekStor i.Beat.blaxx

In August 2007, the German electronics manufacturer TrekStor tried to capitalize on the Apple iPod phenomenon with their own MP3 player. But what to name it? They knew they had to get the "i" in front of whatever word they decided on, to bring the iPod to mind. How about "beat" to signify all of the phat beats the customers will play on it? And it's black. Thus,

i.Beat.blaxx.

TrekStor's press release claimed that the device "precisely reflects the desires of the young, trend-conscious target group we are aiming for." And by that target group, they apparently meant the Klan.

The ensuing shitstorm caught TrekStor by surprise. The company's president tried to smooth things over in a letter explaining that the word "beat" is "not meant as a verb, but refers to the beats of the music you are listening to." And to be fair, the guy had to wonder what the same protesters thought they would find in the pages of Black Beat magazine.

Knowing that this explanation would placate absolutely no one (barring that small contingent of confused, hip-hop-loving Klansmen)...

... TrekStor immediately rechristened the gadget the "TrekStor blaxx," a name which we presume would've replaced "Geordi La Forge" had Dolemite starred in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"La Forge, muthafucka!"

7

Retardex

Retardex toothpaste is the first line of defense against bad breath and cavity-causing bacteria. It's also the most poorly named oral hygiene product since the Gator Gripper, a terrifying children's tooth extractor that is one part Tooth Fairy, two parts Yakuza loan shakedown.

Retardex is a British brand, so we can't blame a poor translation here. We scoured the Retardex website for the origin of this dentifrice's imbecilic name and didn't find an explanation. Is it from a simpler time? When did the word "retard" ever have a positive connotation? Yes, we get that it "retards" the progress of tooth decay, so we guess you can justify it in the same way you could justify calling your new ultra-slim LED television an "Anorexiatron."

Hell, in the time we spent writing this, we came up with half a dozen more marketable names; including Dentodex, Mouthoflex and, our favorite, Tyrannosaurusrex.

Patent pending.

6

K.U.M. Hair Care

5

Nad's Natural Hair Removal

In 20th century Anglophonic parlance, the word "nads" is short for gonads (a.k.a. balls). Most third grade graduates are aware of this. How the founder of an Australian bikini waxing empire missed the boat is beyond us.

According to the Nad's website, founder Sue Ismiel is "a mother who created an extremely effective, natural, no heat, hair removal product for her young daughter from ingredients she found in her own kitchen." Despite the homespun appeal of this origin story, it teaches us almost nothing about her product. For all we know, Sue was dousing her kid in a cocktail of Tabasco and oven cleaner.

4

The IKEA Fartfull

IKEA is famous for slapping unintelligible names on unassembleable furniture. Every so often, one of these names smashes headfirst against the language barrier, causing IKEA's English-speaking consumers to titter like schoolgirls. We're looking at you, Lessebo loveseat.

Tee hee! Also, "titter."

But our favorite terribly-named, ergonomically bankrupt IKEA contraption has to be the Fartfull kids' workbench. In 2005, this half-desk, half-mystery hit stores, tantalizing hipster parents with visions of a more productive (if perpetually gassy) child.

Is it table? A rickshaw? An ice cream cart?

Although "Fartfull" merely meant "speedy" in Swedish, IKEA eventually pulled the doohickey from their website. Between its name and design, we wouldn't be surprised if more than one child mistook it for a portable toilet. Hell, maybe that's what it is.

3

The Reebok Incubus

2

Wack Off! Insect Repellent

Army surplus stores are magical places where you can find World War II side arms and the mummified thumbs of dead terrorists. In Australia, amongst the boomerangs and Paul Hogan-endorsed machetes, you can also find the fabled Wack Off! bug lotion.

The Wack Off! brand raises some curious implications. First, the product's name is an imperative - it commands the consumer to drop whatever he's doing to repel mosquitoes... or pleasure himself.

1

Nintendo DS Touch Dic

Alright, so here is a case where it probably was a "lost in translation" issue to a degree. But the result made the Unintentional Comedy Hall of Fame.

The year is 1995, and Nintendo has set the gaming world on fire with their new DS system, built entirely around its touch screen. So you're a Korean company, wanting to make a piece of dictionary software that takes advantage of the touch screen capabilities. Touch... Dictionary... just need to shorten it up, to make it snappier, something cool that the kids will remember.

Touch Dic.

Oh, how many English speakers ordered copies of this game, oh how many hugely, hugely disappointed men saw their erection wilt under screen after screen displaying nothing but Korean words. Oh, how many had an awkward conversation as they tried to return their copies to the store, unable to make eye contact as they explained that they, uh, didn't need to learn Korean after all.

We can sympathize, guys. Thanks to mistranslations, every trip of ours abroad has ended in numerous embarrassing situations...

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