Little Island is a Japanese company that has made it possible for you to get a doll with your own face on it and speak to you in your own voice, as well. Just make sure you have a streetwise Asian boy around to keep the Maharaja from stabbing it with a jeweled dagger, because we're pretty sure this thing is a fucking Voodoo doll. Either that or it's a replicant sent to take your place after its robot overlords vacuum your brains out in your sleep.
Actually, even if it's none of those, we still have the very unsettling fact that it is apparently a toy intended for adults. We can't think of a single non-creepy use for such a thing unless they intend to use it as a decoy to fool incredibly incompetent assassins.
The manufacturers claim that "Struts," the My Little Pony-esque horses dressed up in 19th Century lingerie and stripper heels, "combine a little girl's love for horses with her love for fashion dolls."
To us, however, these things appear to be the product of a failed teleportation experiment where instead of Jeff Goldblum and a fly, they had Christina Aguilera and Sea Biscuit.
This flying stunt-monkey seems like a perfectly straightforward toy, until you spot the advertising point "Hear Me Scream!"
Apparently the Amazing Flying Monkey is designed to be used like a slingshot, so this is literally a shrieking terror beast to be fired into the faces of other kids.
(It also poses as a standard toy packaged by people who don't know how to conjugate the verb "fly.")
A hairless, vacant expression, a trunk full of disguises, a bolo tie--without question, Hugo is a man of a thousand serial murders.
This doll is like a Ted Bundy Potato Head. The face on the box has the ghoulish stare of a guy that literally can't wait to stab you to death and drag your body down to his basement. He's even wearing disposable clothing, presumably to be wrapped around severed limbs to keep them from bleeding all over the interior of the station wagon of a thousand screams.
But on top of all that... why the fuck does he need those creepy little atrophied arms? They serve no purpose! They intentionally went out of their way in the manufacturing process to make him just a little more terrifying.
So say hello to the "Mindflex." It's a machine that gives your children telekinesis.
No, it's not a hoax, it's made by toy giant, Mattel. Your kid straps the device to his head, and suddenly he can levitate a little ping pong ball through pure thought.
OK, he is actually manipulating a tiny fan that blows the ball causing it to hover various heights. With his mind. The child can manipulate the fan through the machine reading his brainwave patterns.
Hey, remember that old Twilight Zone episode where a kid takes over his town and forces everyone to do his bidding, because he can think anything and it becomes reality? Including turning people into giant Blippy in the Boxes?
It's only a matter of time, people.
Yeah, you think we're overreacting, that it can never happen, but you also didn't think we'd have mind-reading telekinesis machines in Toys "R" Us this year.
For more purchases that will have child services banging down your door, check out 10 Great Books For (Traumatizing) Children and The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games.
And stop by Cracked.com's Top Picks to see DOB play Feeley Meeley by himself. Bring the kids! (But don't, seriously.)