"Abdominal brain." Now there's a phrase that should never have gone out of style.
All right, we promise, no more terrifying ass-instruments on this list.
Wait, one more. And it's called the goddamned RECTO ROTOR. Yeah, a name like that deserves the all caps up there.
Standing at six inches tall, it was claimed that the RECTO ROTOR would "reach your vital spot to such good purpose," which kind of insinuates that there are some other products out there that reach the "vital spot" with nothing but malevolence in its heart and world domination plans tucked under its arm.
Now picture this having a seizure in your ass.
Once the vital spot was touched, a simple flip of a switch would send the infernal machine in to a hellish convulsive fit as it vibrated its way deeper in to your ass like an oil prospector drilling for crude. But here's the thing: the Recto Rotor knows there's no crude in your ass. It's smarter than that. So what does it do? It supplies its own crude. With the turn of a dial the vent holes atop the rotor ooze a white-ish lotion all over your prostate like... uh... well... sorry, we just can't come up with a visual comparison for that.
The ad boasts that it's, "Large enough to be efficient. Small enough for anyone over 15 years old." Please Lord tell us that's just an eyeball estimate, and not the result of extensive product testing.
"Okay, so today we learned that 14 is too young, that's good to know.
Honestly, we're beginning to think being a turn of the century inventor meant one had latent homosexual desires that manifested themselves in the form of utterly useless butt-related thingamajigs. We're picturing lots of repressed Doc Brown-looking guys standing over our exposed buttocks, wielding two phallus shaped electrodes bridged by a crackling blue current of electricity.