"If my dick was a carpenter, this is the table it would design."

But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the perpetrator and presumably drew straws over which poor bastard was going to watch the hours of evidence. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because his frolic with the world's most vulnerable four-legged beast happened near an elementary school.

We're guessing this made for some long, awkward conversations between fourth graders and their parents.

By the way, this is the guy we're talking about.

There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground. That has to be the pinnacle of messed up boning, right? Screwing the earth itself? Well we can say that he's not the first guy to get caught doing it, so maybe it's a thing. Who are we to judge?

In fairness, this bike is totally asking for it.

The man's little Tour de France got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note "fucked bike" next to it.

Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm?

This is the harm:

Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.

The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.

"Ew, gross, not her. I want what's under her. Hell yeah."

So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You'd think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there's at least one guy we're pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with...

Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it's just what it sounds like. These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it's seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.

By Edward's count, since age 15 he's made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn't care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it).

Our research hasn't made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you'd think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it's moving, as you'll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.

[photos removed - Ed]

On top of all that, you'd always have that doubt in the back of you're mind that you're accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.

The last guy you would want to date rape.

Edward's current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier. Other cars he's gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he's ever dated.

But cars aren't the only machine he's gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time. It's here that we're tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?

Don't worry, even what's considered "acceptable" in the world of sex is getting weirder. Want proof? Check out, The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys and The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex.

And sex sex sex (Cracked.com's Top Picks) sex sex sex.