Daniel Barton
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Have you ever walked past a piece of furniture or some other inanimate object and thought, "Hey, that's got a hole in it. I wonder if I can stick my dick in there..."
If you have, you're not alone. Either due to bizarre sexual fetishes or just plain boredom, men have gotten caught screwing anything and everything. Some of which don't even seem possible. Take for instance...
It says something about relations between the UK and America when the Telegraph publishes the headline: "American Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table." Seriously, does it matter where the guy was from? So what if one guy's pursuit of happiness took the form of sticking his schlong inside the umbrella hole of a picnic table. Do not such things transcend borders?
After all, isn't this the sort of thing that could happen to anybody? Maybe a girl had been there just moments ago, and rolled away at the last minute. Maybe it was dark.
These would all be reasonable suppositions if the story didn't say that the guy boned the picnic table on four separate occasions, and for hours on end. How do we know that? This would be thanks to the neighbor who secretly taped it each time ... also for hours on end.
Now, filming it the first time is understandable. You just want to have evidence for when the cops say, "There is no way some guy is fucking a table." But somewhere after the second time, the overall impression you givr off goes from "disgusted" to "intrigued" to "DAMMIT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TABLE DEFILING STALLION! LOOK AT IT, JUST BEGGING FOR YOUR MIGHTY LANCE OF FLESH!"
"If my dick was a carpenter, this is the table it would design."
But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the perpetrator and presumably drew straws over which poor bastard was going to watch the hours of evidence. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because his frolic with the world's most vulnerable four-legged beast happened near an elementary school.
We're guessing this made for some long, awkward conversations between fourth graders and their parents.
A Sioux Falls, South Dakota man was arrested when a neighbor came home and had the following thought train barrel down the center of his mind, "Hmm, there appears to be a 60-year-old man in my backyard in a trench coat and panty hose, holding a camcorder. Perhaps he's a pervert."
After the man was arrested, police found hours of tape that were kind of like that haunted video from The Ring, only instead of killing you, it just permanently negates the possibility of an erection for the remainder of your adult life. Police say the tapes included two years' worth of the man defiling street signs.
Two goddamn years. And that's just the ones he was taping, who knows how many street signs he fucked and got away with it. This proves once and for all the forensics and crime scene work you see on CSI is a big load of bullshit.
The man's escapades didn't end there, either. His collection included video of himself in an all leather S&M outfit while grinding against a door frame, instantly making it twice as awkward as any other S&M film ever made.
By the way, this is the guy we're talking about.
There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground. That has to be the pinnacle of messed up boning, right? Screwing the earth itself? Well we can say that he's not the first guy to get caught doing it, so maybe it's a thing. Who are we to judge?
A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.
This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The 51-year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was "riding" a bike in a way that God never intended.
It has 10 speeds, all of them are sexy as hell.
Oh, and did we mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught in one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin' it on? Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, it was probably backed with the thoughts and hopes that today would be the day he would get lucky and finally have that M-F-F-Bike orgy he always longed for.
It didn't take long for them to call the cops, who booked his ass on charges of sexual breach of the peace, which we assume is Europe-speak for making everyone at the station say "What the Fuck?" and "Holy shit eww!" He ended up pulling a page out of the celebrity "I fucked up big time" book and chalked it up to alcohol instead of that funny feeling he got in his pants when he saw a tricycle when he was a child.
In fairness, this bike is totally asking for it.
The man's little Tour de France got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note "fucked bike" next to it.
So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It's a few days after Valentine's Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest. Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day ... right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell itself.
Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.
"Noone will ever believe me."
The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a "lamposexual" in public) was soon arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency." Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.
We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier. "Extra! Extra! It's an American fucking an inanimate object this time!"
Late one night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored. So he did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, and found the nearest thing with a hole in it to fuck. Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. And then he made the fateful decision to have bit of the old in and out with it. What's the harm?
This is the harm:
Yes, that video is totally accurate, his penis got stuck in the bench. His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the Nelson Muntz style laughter brewing inside each of them.
The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man's penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le's dong, which he almost lost.
"Ew, gross, not her. I want what's under her. Hell yeah."
So, yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You'd think that would scare people of inanimate object sex forever, but there's at least one guy we're pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he has sex with...
Edward Smith's love of cars didn't translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he's on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.
Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it's just what it sounds like. These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it's seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papa likes it.
By Edward's count, since age 15 he's made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn't care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it).
Our research hasn't made it clear exactly how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you'd think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it's moving, as you'll see in this set of 30 photos of our attempt to demonstrate this.
[photos removed - Ed]
On top of all that, you'd always have that doubt in the back of you're mind that you're accidentally cornholing Optimus Prime.
The last guy you would want to date rape.
Edward's current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier. Other cars he's gave his mighty meat shaft to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the '73 Opal GT, and a '69 Beetle which we are sure was probably the sluttiest car he's ever dated.
But cars aren't the only machine he's gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he totally had a fling with this helicopter one time. It's here that we're tempted to call bullshit on the whole thing, but really, why would somebody lie about that?
Don't worry, even what's considered "acceptable" in the world of sex is getting weirder. Want proof? Check out, The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys and The 10 Most Terrifying Guides to Sex.
And sex sex sex (Cracked.com's Top Picks) sex sex sex.
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