6

A Picnic Table

It says something about relations between the UK and America when the Telegraph publishes the headline: "American Caught Having Sex With Picnic Table." Seriously, does it matter where the guy was from? So what if one guy's pursuit of happiness took the form of sticking his schlong inside the umbrella hole of a picnic table. Do not such things transcend borders?

After all, isn't this the sort of thing that could happen to anybody? Maybe a girl had been there just moments ago, and rolled away at the last minute. Maybe it was dark.

These would all be reasonable suppositions if the story didn't say that the guy boned the picnic table on four separate occasions, and for hours on end. How do we know that? This would be thanks to the neighbor who secretly taped it each time ... also for hours on end.

Seriously.

Now, filming it the first time is understandable. You just want to have evidence for when the cops say, "There is no way some guy is fucking a table." But somewhere after the second time, the overall impression you givr off goes from "disgusted" to "intrigued" to "DAMMIT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TABLE DEFILING STALLION! LOOK AT IT, JUST BEGGING FOR YOUR MIGHTY LANCE OF FLESH!"

5

Street Signs

A Sioux Falls, South Dakota man was arrested when a neighbor came home and had the following thought train barrel down the center of his mind, "Hmm, there appears to be a 60-year-old man in my backyard in a trench coat and panty hose, holding a camcorder. Perhaps he's a pervert."

After the man was arrested, police found hours of tape that were kind of like that haunted video from The Ring, only instead of killing you, it just permanently negates the possibility of an erection for the remainder of your adult life. Police say the tapes included two years' worth of the man defiling street signs.

Two goddamn years. And that's just the ones he was taping, who knows how many street signs he fucked and got away with it. This proves once and for all the forensics and crime scene work you see on CSI is a big load of bullshit.

The man's escapades didn't end there, either. His collection included video of himself in an all leather S&M outfit while grinding against a door frame, instantly making it twice as awkward as any other S&M film ever made.

4

A Bicycle

A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.

This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The 51-year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was "riding" a bike in a way that God never intended.

It has 10 speeds, all of them are sexy as hell.

Oh, and did we mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught in one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin' it on? Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, it was probably backed with the thoughts and hopes that today would be the day he would get lucky and finally have that M-F-F-Bike orgy he always longed for.

It didn't take long for them to call the cops, who booked his ass on charges of sexual breach of the peace, which we assume is Europe-speak for making everyone at the station say "What the Fuck?" and "Holy shit eww!" He ended up pulling a page out of the celebrity "I fucked up big time" book and chalked it up to alcohol instead of that funny feeling he got in his pants when he saw a tricycle when he was a child.

3

A Lamp Post

So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It's a few days after Valentine's Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest. Yes life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day ... right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell itself.

Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.

"Noone will ever believe me."

The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a "lamposexual" in public) was soon arrested for "suspicion of outraging public decency." Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.

We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. Kind of adds a whole new layer to that Telegraph headline from earlier. "Extra! Extra! It's an American fucking an inanimate object this time!"

2

A Park Bench

1

Cars

Edward Smith's love of cars didn't translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he's on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.