The 5 Most Ridiculous Lies Ever Published as Non-Fiction

The Book:

Our second entry in the "lame-ass white kid wants to be a stone-cold criminal" category is Love and Consequences penned under the nom de bullshit "Margaret B. Jones."

In this fauxmoir, "Jones" claims she is a half American Indian/half white foster kid growing up in the baddest parts of South Central Los Angeles, a world renowned war zone. She details her life with her foster mother, "Big Mom," her various foster brothers and sisters (many of whom die in violent and tragic ways), her experiences as a drug runner for the infamous Bloods gang at the age of 13 and cooking up some crack cocaine to pay the water bill at the age of 16.

The Bullshit:

"Jones" is actually Margaret Seltzer: an all white, upper-middle class girl who grew up in the oh-so-dangerous, predominantly white, San Fernando Valley suburb of Sherman Oaks. That's right kids, the killer drug running chick is actually a true-bred "Valley Girl."

How did Seltzer manage to get away with this crap before her own family sold her down the river? Through the totally convincing use of street slang, yo. For instance, she would spell words with a "k" instead of a "c". What, you didn't know gang folk did that? In her own words:

"... I want people to understand how deep-seated the hatred really is between CRIPs and Bloods. CRIPs celebrate C-days rather than B-days (birthdays) and Bloods smoke bigarettes not cigarettes. The hate is so deep that, as a Blood, you automatically change the spelling in words with a c in them."

That's... plausible. Right?

The Crash:

Poor Seltzer didn't get the chances that Frey did, such as scamming Oprah on national television. No, before her book tour got started Seltzer was ratted out... by her own sister. So that probably made for an awkward Thanksgiving.

Seltzer got the idea, she claimed, by hanging out very briefly at Grant High School in a less affluent area of the San Fernando Valley. These were the stories, she claimed, of friends and acquaintances she had made during that time and she felt their stories should be heard.

The Grant High School Marching Bloods.

As to why she chose to tell those stories as though they had happened to her, we're not entirely certain. Perhaps she thought it might give her some of the "street cred" that is so desperately necessary when attempting to "represent" to the "homies" at Trader Joe's.

The Crash:

The famous Tibetologist and adventurer Heinrich Harrer (played by dream-boat Brad Pitt in Seven Years in Tibet) became suspicious of Lobsang and hired a private detective to track the elusive lama down. And that detective did find his man... namely, Cyril Henry Hoskins, an Irish plumber's son who knew no Tibetan, had never been to Tibet and in fact did not even have a passport.

When all the academics cried in unison "Shenanigans, sir!" Cyril waved it off and told them the real story: That he was Tuesday Lobsang Rampa's spirit, and he was inhabiting the body of Cyril Hoskins. Undeterred, the man went on to write 24 books total, including tale about his real trip to Venus in a spaceship.

As incredible as that is, even more amazing is Misha Defonseca's tale in Misha: A Memoire of the Holocaust Years. Another harrowing tale of a child, alone, surviving WW II in battle-ravaged Europe, Misha sets out her astonishing journey. She walks from Belgium to the Ukraine in search of her parents, who had been captured by Nazis. She stabs to death a Nazi rapist. She is taken in and protected by a pack of wolves, even sharing in their kill... all of this before she's 11-years-old.

Wait a second...

The Bullshit:

In Rosenblat's case, not everything in Angel at the Fence is complete and utter lies. He did survive Schlieben. He and Roma did meet on a blind date in New York years later. But the part about how he knew her back then, and her sneaking food to him over the fence has been questioned by historical scholars who noticed that at Schlieben, the place where she was supposedly meeting him to pass food, was right next to the SS barracks.

As for Misha, some have found the idea of a seven-year-old making a 3,000 mile trek across Nazi occupied territory subsisting on mud and raw meat while being coddled by wolves a little hard to swallow. Not us. Around these parts, we call that "Thursday."

The Crash:

Upon his lies being exposed to the world at large, an apparently care-free Rosenblat defended his story in Angel at the Fence with, "I wanted to bring happiness to people. I brought hope to a lot of people. My motivation was to make good in this world."

We're not completely sure how his story was supposed to make us feel better about the Holocaust. Actually, a better defense would have been, "I survived the fucking Holocaust. You shut the fuck up now." Still, the publisher cancelled the book.

As for Misha and the wolves... it took ten years for this obvious pile of deceit to be exposed. TEN. YEARS.

She first told the story at a Jewish temple on Holocaust Memorial Day. During a candle-lighting remembrance ceremony Misha asked to light a candle for the animals. The rabbi thought it was more than passing strange but allowed it and Misha's story spilled out. Everyone was very moved. She sold it to a publisher a short time later.

Eventually they discovered that "Misha Defonseca" is actually Monique De Wael and, though her parents were tragically taken by the Nazis, she never wandered across Europe and, in fact, was not Jewish. Monique's defense of this deception was, sadly, somewhat typical: It may not have been the truth, but it was her truth. In the dictionary this is known as a "lie."

Still, wouldn't it be awesome if it turned out the only part of her story that was true was the wolf thing?

They told and sold their harrowing tale to writer Jay Anson, who didn't bother to show up and look at the house, but instead wrote the book based upon the 45 hours of taped stories the Lutzes sent him, which we imagine went something like: "... so, then, like, this... pass the bottle, dude... I said give it to me! Fuck!... then this... stuff... um... SLIME, yeah, that's... yeah... this slime came out of the walls... dude we need to make a booze run."

Film rights were sold, money was made... and that's when it all started going to shit.

The Bullshit:

For starters, in the book the priest they had come and bless the house allegedly heard a voice say "Get out!", felt a slap on the face and suffered stigmata-like blisters. In real life, Father Pecoraro (who was apparently not in on the scam) denied anything happened. He even claimed in an affidavit that he never went to the house, but only spoke to the Lutzes by phone.

A possible reason given for this massive infestation of malignant spirits was that the Shinnecock (seriously?) Indian tribe used the local area as a place to ditch their insane, decrepit and dying tribe members. Which would be totally awesome except for the fact that they didn't. Ever.

Shinnecock Indian.

The Crash:

Remember Butch Defeo, the guy who committed all of those murders in the house that caused the haunting? Well William Weber, Butch's defense lawyer, came forward and claimed he and the Lutzes made the whole thing up over "several bottles of wine." Many lawsuits were filed, and the Lutz family continues to insist the story was "mostly true."

And really, why would they lie? Hey, did we mention that in addition to all of the book sales, NINE films have been made based on the story? And why not? It's totally true, you guys.

If you enjoyed reading about phonies you've never heard of, find out about the phonies who inspired you to never give up in 6 Inspiring Rags to Riches Stories (That Are Bullshit). Or get ready to really have your mind blown in 7 Movies Based on a True Story (That Are Complete Bullshit).