Used By:

Oddjob.

Why It Could Be Cool:

The hat does cut the head off a statue at one point. Though it could have been a really s****y statue for all we know.

"No wait! Use a watermelon or something to demonstrate your stupid hat. That statue cost me six dollars."

Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:

Okay, we understand that even though Oddjob is an incredibly tough dude (we see him shrug off a gold brick to the solar plexus) he may still need to kill somebody at a distance and that this would require a weapon of some kind. There is no reason, however, for this weapon to be a sharp novelty hat.

That's what guns are for. And don't tell us he's never heard of one, or has some obscure religious aversion to them--Oddjob uses one earlier in the film. Even if he needs to be silent, there is this thing called a throwing knife. They came out with those about 1000 years ago.

This thing makes the Batarang well thought-out by comparison, as the only thing this is good for is accidentally slicing open your fingers about three times a day when you go to take it off your head. Go ahead and invent a circular saw codpiece while you're at it, Oddjob.

But, not content to stick to plain old arrows with maybe a flaming one every once in a while, Green Arrow thought he'd get innovative. Having quickly run through, apparently, the only three good arrow ideas in the universe, he wound up with glue arrows and net arrows and fire extinguisher arrows and a boomerang arrow. But hands down, his worst idea was the boxing glove arrow.

Looks like SOMEONE should've spent less time asking questions and more time not getting his ass handed to him.

The saddest part about the boxing glove arrow is that in order for it to be even plausibly aerodynamic, the boxing glove has to be shrunk down to about the size of a baby's fist. Now, babies are terrifying in their own way, but it has nothing to do with their fists and everything to do with their s****y diapers. Put one of those on the end of an arrow and maybe you'd have something.

Though, in fairness, he's barely a superhero.

If you're throwing it down with some superpowered madman hell bent on ruling the universe, you probably want something a little stronger than a puff of air. As for the blinding light, a trip to Sunglasses Hut renders that feature useless.

Even if the enemy forgets his shades at the beach, all a blast of light is going to do is piss him off. Is it any wonder you hardly ever saw Blue Beetle use it in the comics? Even he thought it was useless, and it was freaking named after him.

Used By:

Reed Richards of The Fantastic Four.

Why It Could Be Cool:

It may not look like much, but when it comes to nullifying, there's no better nullifier on the market.

Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:

It isn't that it can destroy anything at the speed of thought. It isn't that it looks like a camera from the twenties. It isn't even that the guy who made it--Galactus--is basically a god who shouldn't even need a weapon. It's that there isn't even a half-assed attempt to explain how it's supposed to work.

The mind-boggling schematic.

No pseudo-scientific jargon, no magic incantations, no nothing. It just nullifies. It's like they bought it from some dude in an alley. "Trust me, dude, if you need something nullified, this'll nullify it right up." The Ultimate Nullifier is especially effective against gaping plot holes.

So easy, even a baby can use it. Just point and nullify.

The Ultimate Nullifier is one of those fictional weapons that exists for no other reason than to resolve an unresolvable plot. The Fantastic Four, facing the near omnipotent Galactus, are basically given the Ultimate Nullifier by another near omnipotent being (The Watcher) and quicker than you can say deus ex machine, they use it to save the world. It's as if the writer of The Fantastic Four, Stan Lee, had dinner reservations and wanted to wrap the story up.

The Fantastic Four would go on to save the Earth again with the Total Eradicator (Stan Lee had Rangers tickets), the Super Eraser (when his brother was in town) and the Mighty Make-Bad-Thing-Go-Awayer (this time he just didn't give a s**t).

Used By:

That dude in Krull.

Why It Could Be Cool:

It looks like a five bladed switchblade. And it's magic!

Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:

The Krull Glaive is the magic weapon in the film Krull. The hero, Prince Colwyn, has to find the glaive, find the lair of the beast who has attacked his kingdom and kill it, all while maintaining his perfectly blow-dried hair and beard.

Like a lot of ridiculous fictional weapons, the obvious uselessness of the Krull Glaive is explained away by it being "magic." There have been weapons like this in history (like the African tribal weapon, the awesomely named hunga munga), but they all had something the Krull Glaive lacks: a f*****g handle.

"It's like a Frisbee made of paper cuts."

How the hell are you supposed to throw this thing? Even if you use it in hand-to-hand combat, you're just as likely to hurt yourself as anyone else. No matter how you hold it, half the blades are pointed back at you. Seriously, we could have done a whole separate article on "fictional weapons that would cut your own f*****g hand off."

Sure, you could impress your enemy with your cool bat'leth moves and wow him with how fast you can twirl it around, but once the rhythmic gymnastics display was over, all he has to do is pull an Indiana Jones and shoot your flailing ass.

The savage poetry of the bat'leth in action.

In fact, the bat'leth is an incredibly s****y weapon even by pre-gunpowder standards. It's clumsy, heavy and, because you need two hands to use it, it has almost no reach. You can go one handed to swing at your opponent, but that sends the other razor-sharp end directly at your own gut.

Sure, you could say the same about the cool two-bladed lightsaber in The Phantom Menace, but at least that could deflect lasers. The bat'leth can't even deflect the scorn your enemies will have for you for carrying the damn thing.

Oh, by the fires of agony that swirl in my tortured heart, I declare this gunsword lamer than the last Cure album!

Want to use it as a gun? Well, too bad, you've got like 20 pounds of sword weighing down the barrel while you try to aim it with one hand. Want to put your hand on the end there to hold it up like a rifle? Congratulations, you've just joined the "I sliced off all my fingers with a fantasy weapon" club.

Want to use it as a sword? Also too bad, you've got to hold it by this idiotic little grip made for revolvers, and the first time you stab somebody you're going to get the tiny little barrel on the end crammed full of bad guy guts. So the next time you try to use it as a gun, it's going to blow your other hand off.

Pretty much the only use for this thing would be to mail it to the enemy the day before the battle in gift wrap, and pray they're stupid enough to use it.