15 Kyle Kinane Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘I don’t understand why the people that play a lottery aren’t more afraid of lightning. Like if you believe in those odds, shouldn’t you? ‘Hey, I’ve got 20 bucks on the Pick 5. Is that a storm? Oh, shit!’’

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8 Racist Words You Use Every Day

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8 Racist Words You Use Every Day

Have you ever worried that, no matter how hard you try, you'll just never be racist enough? Well, you're in luck. As it turns out, you've been unconsciously using racial slurs your entire life! Slurs like...

Hooligan

How it's Used:

"I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of hooligans playing paintball on the interstate."

What You're Actually Saying:

"I was nearly killed on my drive home by a group of dirty Irish drunkards playing paintball on the interstate."

Wait, What?

The earliest use of the word "hooligan" dates back to British newspaper and police reports in the summer of 1898. They seem to have adapted the word from the Houlihan family, a group of Irish immigrants living in London. The family became known for their hilarious drinking songs, jigs and their enthusiastic police brutality that tended to ensue (to a word, "Irish-ness").

But despite the beatdowns, the Houlihans continued to fight for their right to party, and did their motherland proud by forever associating their ethnic surname with stupid teenagers who like to play paintball on the interstate.

Vandal

How it's Used:

"Some vandals tagged the wall behind the local high school."

What You're Actually Saying:

"A horde of dirty godless Germans tagged the wall behind the local high school."

Wait, What?

Those of you who managed to stay awake during Western Civ. class will recall that the Vandals were one of the Germanic tribes that sacked Rome. They weren't any more or less destructive than any of the other tribes that got all up in Rome's shit, but they still have the distinction of lending their name to toilet-paper-hurling dipshits from now to eternity.

But in all fairness, it could have been worse: At least they didn't end up like the Goth tribe, which will forever be associated with shitty LiveJournal poetry.

Hip Hip Hooray!

How it's Used:

"We won the little league game! Hip hip hooray!"

What You're Actually Saying:

"We won the little league game! Let's go kill some Jews!"

Wait, What?

The first half of "hip hip hooray" is adapted from "hep hep," an old German shepherds' herding cry. That is, actual shepherds from Germany. Not the dogs.

Sounds pretty innocuous, right? Well, it was, up until around 1819, when the citizens of Germany and other neighboring countries began using it as their rallying cry while going Hebrew-hunting in the Jewish ghettos. So keep that in mind next time you're trying to come up with an appropriate cheer at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah.

Barbarian

How it's Used:

"In World of WarCraft, I play a level 60 barbarian."

What You're Actually Saying:

"In World of WarCraft, I play a stupid jabbering foreigner."

Wait, What?

Let's revisit that Western Civ. class again. Your teacher probably made a big deal out of the great Ancient Greek advances in politics, philosophy, architecture and so on. But she left out one crucial point: For a society that made such a big deal out of hubris, those motherfuckers could be really arrogant pricks.

Case in point: They thought that Greek wasn't just the best language, it was the only language that made any sense at all. All other languages just sounded like people saying "bar bar bar bar." Thus the word "barbarian," or someone who speaks the retarded monkey language that Greeks associated with every other nation on Earth.

Bugger

How it's Used:

"The dog peed on my leg again, that little bugger!"

What You're Actually Saying:

"The dog peed on my leg again, that little Bulgarian homosexual!"

Wait, What?

Back in the day, the Catholic Church was really intolerant of other religions. "The day," in this case, refers to every day from the founding of the church to, well, yesterday. The word "bugger" stems from "Bulgarian," or someone from Bulgaria, but medieval Catholics used it as a catch-all term for all members of the East Orthodox Church. Members of that church were considered heretics, and heresy is, of course, a slippery slope to sodomy. An awful, gross, terrible, slippery slope.

But that was the belief. Catholics at the time honestly thought that if your beliefs deviated even slightly from theirs, it followed that you were engaging in all sorts of perverse sexual acts. Such as monogamous sex between two consenting adults who happen to be the same gender. EVIL!

Cannibal

How it's Used:

"I don't care whether or not the other person consented, all cannibals should be sent to prison. It's disgusting."

What You're Actually Saying:

"I don't care whether or not the other person consented, all people from the West Indies should be sent to prison. It's disgusting."

Wait, What?

Picture this: You're a member of one of the indigenous tribes of the West Indies. Every day you wake up under the warm Caribbean sun, do a hard day's work and then chill out on the beach and watch the sun set. The weather is always beautiful, and life is good. Then, one day, some crazy Italian dude hops off a boat with his muskets and shit and accuses you all of cannibalism.

Well, now you know what it's like to be a member of the Carib people. Much like the Vandals, the Caribs got stuck with an unfortunate label that bares little relation to reality.

Gyp

How it's Used:

"Man, five dollars for a candy bar? What a gyp!"

What You're Actually Saying:

"Man, five dollars for a candy bar? You're a filthy Eastern European immigrant."

Wait, What?

Gyp is thought to be short for "Gypsy." And long before that term meant a group of odd people who roam the countryside running scams, it was an ethnic slur for the Romany people who immigrated from Eastern Europe. The term "Gypsy" evolved from the habit of calling the people Egyptians, because they sort of looked Egyptian and the locals were apparently too shy to ask the people where they were actually from.

The point is the negative meaning of the word started centuries ago, and even now plays off the common stereotype of Gypsies as sneaky, thieving con artists. At least they don't break all your shit like the Vandals, though. Assholes.

Picnic

How it's Used:

"Wow, look at that! The sun's shining, the bluebirds are singing ... why, I think it's a lovely day for a picnic!"

What You're Actually Saying:

"Wow, look at that! The sun's shining, the bluebirds are singing ... why, I think it's a lovely day to lynch a black person!"

Actually, no, this is what you're really saying:

"Wow, look at that! The sun's shining, the bluebirds are singing ... why, I think it's a lovely day for a picnic!"

Wait, What?

Confused? We're including this one just to save everybody the trouble down in the comments. If you bring up the topic of racist words, it's usually only minutes before some helpful expert will chime in with:

"Did you know 'picnic' dates back to lynching parties? It's true, 'picnic' is short for 'pick a n*gger.' As in, pick one to lynch. So when you eat sandwiches in the park, the blood of African Americans stains your very checkered tablecloth. Enjoy your sandwich, bigot."

This one, however, is bullshit. According to Snopes.com, the word "picnic" actually derives from the totally innocuous French word "piquenique." The other, horrible meaning of the word is found nowhere outside of that one idiotic email forward.

So it was never a euphemism for anything. Or even a real phrase. And if you believed that email, then we have some penis enlarging pills to sell you.

Before you go complaining that we promised eight, keep in mind that we gave you Goth, a term that is probably more insulting to the Goth tribe now than ever before.

Be sure to check out today's episode of S.W.A.I.M.:Looking Forward: 4 Ways To Make Fun of Obama, and the latest batch of our Top Picks from around the web and the Cracked.com Mirth Canal.

And now that you know how racist you are, it's time you learned why you're a pervert in 8 Everyday Words With X-Rated Origins. And while you're at it, go ahead and find out why all those big fancy words you use to look smart really make you look like a dipshit in 9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think.

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