The 6 Most Utterly Insane Attempts to Kill a US President

6

Richard Pavlick (1887-1975)

The Target:

John F. Kennedy

The Man:

At the dear old age of seventy-three, Richard Pavlick maintained his youthful vigor by constantly ranting about politicians, wealth and Catholics. So naturally when these things converged in the form of John F. Kennedy's presidency, Pavlick felt that something drastic had to be done and that he was just the senile nutbar for the job.

Apparently Pavlich learned everything he knew about committing crimes from The Riddler. After giving away his property and most of his possessions, he decided it would be a good idea to mail postcards around town, with cryptic clues about his intentions.

Pavlick began stalking Kennedy and on December 11th this elderly one man League of Evil launched his plan.

The Attempt:

Fun Fact: Guns can be problematic. They require training to use well and even then they can still jam or miss. But do you know what never misses? A 1950 Buick filled with dynamite.

Maybe Pavlick felt that the revolution he'd spark would be so awesome that he didn't need to live and witness it. Maybe he just had a gross misunderstanding of how dynamite works. Whatever the reason, one Sunday as Kennedy left for mass, there was an old man in an exploding car, prepared to kill him in the flashiest way possible.

What Went Wrong:

On the first attempt, Pavlick saw Kennedy had his wife and two children with him, and got cold feet (note that if you're that concerned about bystanders, a car bomb is probably not your best weapon).

This bought time for the good guys to work through the diabolical clues he mailed out. And by that we mean the postmaster glanced at the dates and postmarks and told the Secret Service where he was. By the time he was working on his second attempt on Kennedy's life, the cops were closing in.

When they pulled him over, the cops found seven sticks of dynamite wired in the vehicle. Pavlick originally had much more, but when he became nervous about getting caught he removed most of it, apparently under the impression that it's ok to have just a few explosives in your trunk at any given time.

"What? There's, like, four sticks in there. Come on."

He was held in a mental institution for a few years, then upon release decided to stalk and terrorize the postmaster that had tipped off the Secret Service on the Kennedy thing. Before he could come up with a more efficient way to kill than the old exploding Buick trick, he died in 1975, and was no doubt buried in a dynamite laden coffin.

5

Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme (1948-)

The Target:

Gerald Ford

The Woman:

Growing up, Lynette "Terrible Nickname" Fromme lived a little girl's dream. A local dance troupe she participated in toured the country and parts of Europe. Then this promising young lady grew up, moved to LA, got hooked on drugs and met the charismatic and clearly trustworthy Charles Manson.

4

Richard Lawrence (1801-1861)

The Target:

Andrew Jackson

The Man:

Richard Lawrence blazed his own trail as the first person to attempt to kill a U.S. President while being crazier than a bag of agitated cobras injected with some sort of... crazy serum. For cobras.

In his youth Richard lived a quiet life as a painter. Then he quit his job, donned a fancy cape, grew a mustache and told everyone who would listen that he was King Richard the Third of England.

"Hey, guys, I'm King now, okay?"

When folks started to question why a long-deceased British ruler was huffing paint on American soil, Richard gave a simple and logical explanation: the American Government owed him a vast fortune that he couldn't claim the throne without. He hadn't received the fortune because of, you guessed it, President Andrew Jackson. Oh, and he believed that Jackson killed his father in 1832 (truly an impressive feat when you consider Lawrence's father had never been to America and actually died in 1823).

That's right, a man so sinister that he could kill through space and time needed to be stopped, and ol' King Richard had the gumption to do it.

Time-traveling Dad-slayer.

The Attempt:

When Jackson attended a funeral in 1835 Lawrence followed, hoping to kill him and presumably tug his mustache and disappear in a cloud of smoke. He approached Jackson from behind, drew a pistol and fired into his back at near point blank range. The gun misfired.

Naturally, being an undead British king warrants carrying two pistols. He quickly drew and fired his second weapon. Same result. By this point others in attendance caught wind of our caped-crusader and wrestled him to the ground. President Jackson served up some justice with his hickory cane before actual legal justice was served. Lawrence was found not guilty by reason of insanity and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution.

3

John Hinckley Jr. (1955-)

The Target:

Ronald Reagan

The Man:

You know that friend who's just really, really into some actress? That weird guy who spends hours in Blockbuster, gently caressing a copy of Speed 2: Cruise Control just to feel closer to Sandra Bullock? Well here's a tip: don't let that guy buy a gun.

That brings us to John Hinckley, Jr., a failed songwriter who must have had a lot of down time because, according to trusted historian Dr. Wik E. Pedia, Hinkley saw the movie Taxi Driver at least fifteen times. The family friendly story of vigilante justice apparently captivated him because of Jodi Foster's role as a 12 year-old prostitute.

When Hinckley learned that Foster was enrolled at Yale in 1980 he moved to Connecticut and enrolled in a writing class there. After numerous attempts to charm her by talking about how he fell in love with her portrayal of a child prostitute, he decided he would have to try something else.

2

John F. Schrank (1876-1943)

1

Giuseppe Zangara (1900-1933)

The Target:

FDR

The Man:

After serving his native Italy in World War One, Giuseppe Zangara moved with his uncle to Paterson, New Jersey in pursuit of the American dream. He never had much of an education and spent most of his time doing physical labor to pay the bills, coming to the gradual realization that the American dream kind of blows. To make matters worse, he was diagnosed with appendicitis and, to a much more hilarious degree, chronic flatulence.

The illnesses led to his inability to work which, in turn, lead to severe depression and odd delusions, including the belief that Herbert Hoover was using supernatural powers to cause the illnesses.

Wizard?!?

To remedy his poor health and combat black magic, Zangara planned to kill Hoover. Hoover was out of office before Zangara could act, so the would-be assassin went after Franklin Delano Roosevelt instead, figuring that FDR must have picked up the witchcraft baton after Hoover left.

The Attempt:

In 1933 Zangara was living in Miami, Florida. It just so happened that FDR was giving a speech in his community from the back of an open car, accompanied by Chicago mayor Anton Cermak. Armed with a pistol Zangara joined the small crowd.

What Went Wrong:

Zangara was only five feet tall and decided to stand at the back of the crowd, so he didn't exactly have a clear shot. Instead of simply repositioning himself elsewhere, he set up a wobbly folding chair and stood on it with his gun.

Of course, a short Italian guy with chronic flatulence (which we assume made him sound like he had a two-stroke engine running in his pants 24 hours a day) was bound to draw some attention. But before the crowd could subdue him, he got off six shots, hitting five people and killing one.

None of them were FDR (Mayor Cermak was the fatality). Not only did he utterly fail, but Zangara was arrested and executed via the electric chair.

By the way, here's a picture of Mr. Roosevelt.

Notice how he's in a wheel chair? It's understandable that one bullet missed, but six? This guy couldn't exactly leap out of the way of gunfire. You could say it was the crowd or the angry mob that threw off Zangara's aim. Only Roosevelt knew that his survival was actually due to the potent witchcraft he'd learned from Herbert Hoover.

For some examples of US Presidents who were much more successful at murder than these guys, check out 6 Great U.S. Presidents and Their Crimes Against Humanity. Or read up on 5 Presidential Elections Even Dumber Than This One (Somehow).