5

Sell "The Greatest Vitamin in the World"

Don Lapre is that annoying hobbit-looking dude you might have seen a few years back trying to tell people they could get rich by placing classified ads, even if they didn't involve sexual services. This time he is back selling "The Greatest Vitamins in the World," because subtlety is another of Lapre's strengths.

The vitamins are supposedly the result of millions of dollars of testing and development and over 100 studies by the New England Journal of Medicine. Lapre claims the vitamins can help with diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. Cancer! Holy shit!

Nothing some vitamins can't fix.

For $35 you get a chance to make millions because Lapre will sell you one of his websites so you, too, can sell the vitamins. Then if 20 people buy vitamins from that website, Lapre pays you $1,000 that month. This seems a lot less efficient than just having one website and selling the pills himself but, like others on this list, Lapre obviously has no more room in his house to store cash so now he wants to help you.

This is all explained in this video. It left us badly confused but what it lacks in clarity it makes up for in boobies.

Kapow!

What You Will Really Get:

4

Free Money to Pay Your Bills

This is a book put together by Matthew Lesko, that annoying guy on late night infomercials who wears the suits with the question marks on them. In between fighting off trademark lawsuits from the Batman comics, he spends his time screaming at you about all this free money from the government that you are totally missing out on:

If you had a hard time understanding his wailing, Lesko is saying the government has $350 billion dollars sitting around in various programs that you--yes, you--can have if you just fill out some forms. The problem is, he claims, that the government is being its usual dick-ish self and keeps it a secret.

3

Quixtar

2

4X Made Easy (Wizetrade)

Quite simply, this is God-like software that will make you rich. It seems there is something called the foreign exchange market (Forex) where people can trade currencies. The average daily trading on this market is $4 trillion dollars, which is about as big a number as you can have before you have to start using made up stuff like bajillionmillion.

The Forex is a complicated market that involves a lot of analysis. Lucky for you 4X Made Easy makes it...uh...easy. For just $4,000! And a monthly fee!

4x's spokeswoman. She wants to take all your money and be sexy.

You also get access to hilarious Jay Leno type skits like this one from their spokespeople, where they make fun of people who don't know anything about trading. Haha...what? Wait.

It doesn't matter if you really know anything about trading yourself though. You are supposed to be able to make the right trades just by following the simple instructions, buying on green and selling on red. If you are color blind that's ok too because they also have arrows pointing up and down. Hell, a monkey could do it!

Not this one, though. He just doesn't want it bad enough.

What You Will Really Get:

A software program that will give you chance to go bankrupt, really fast.

Remember that part where we said this was fucking complicated? Well those banks and trading companies that you will competing against employ hundreds of people whose only job is to research the market. You're going to be like the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, minus the help from Luke and Han and your arms and legs. Sure you may get lucky, but at the end of the day you're going to have your furry ass handed to you.

1

John Beck's Free & Clear Real Estate System

This bunch of books will cost you $40 and will teach you how to find and buy houses for just few hundred dollars. Apparently there are homes out there where the owners are just desperate to sell, due to tax trouble or whatever. You'll pay almost nothing, then sell them yourself at full price. It's turning another person's misery and bad fortune into cash money in your pocket! That's what America is all about, baby!

Somehow very few people know about this little gimmick and it seems John Beck is totally not interested in becoming a billionaire by keeping this secret to himself and cornering the market on high profit desperation sales. Probably because he wants us to join in on his dream!

His website has a page of testimonials from people who claim success, including one guy who tells us he bought a unit of property for $10. He may have been confusing reality with a game of Monopoly he once played.

Don't get excited, the car is an extra $5.

What You Will Really Get:

The company of a lot of people who found out this scam was worthless.

While all these ripoffs have their share of unhappy people, John Beck's system has an impressive 44 pages of complaints on just one scam review site. It turns out that most of the information on the included DVDs is simply a repeat of the stuff you probably just finished watching in the advertisement for it, which is like having to pay for sex with your wife.

The company has been fined by the state of Utah and the Better Business Bureau has given this company its lowest rating.

Not the actual rating.

Customers have found that, amazingly, it's actually really hard to find houses being sold for pocket change. Hey! This may be why Beck went into the bullshit book business instead!

If you're really that desperate for money, check out The 6 Most Horrifying Ways Anyone Ever Got Rich.