11

The Money Maker

All right, so your eight years on the planet have established that hard work is for suckers. But you still want money to buy things like comics books. There's got to be an easier way.

The reality ...
Then you find this little ad. It's so small it's almost as if it's a "secret."

A machine that turns ordinary paper into money ... just turn the knob and real money comes out. Sounds good. Sounds down right amazing, in fact. And probably illegal. Even if it is illegal you're just a kid, you'll never do any hard time and by the time you get caught you'll be stinking rich and can hire the best lawyers. What can go wrong?

You have to put money in it first. Sure it looks like paper is going in and coming out as money but it's all a despicable, cheap ruse.

No, the only way you'll make money with this thing is to demonstrate it for some local mobsters and try to get them to buy it from you. They wouldn't whack a little kid, right?

10

Kryptonite

Think about it: You could have the power to bring the all powerful Superman to his knees, in the palm of your hand. Nobody's been able to beat Superman and you'll be the first. Think how awesome it will be to go around and have everyone point at you and say, "Hey that's the kid who beat Superman."

9

CB Receiver

You heard them: It's absolutely vital for every driver, housewife, shut-in, teenager, sportsman and law enforcement agency! If you don't fit into one of those categories, buy one anyway and maybe someday you yourself will become a teenager or even one of those illustrious shut-ins we always see on TV and in the movies!

You'll be alerted to coming fires, floods, blizzards, riots, criminals on the loose, airplane crashes, tornadoes and even poor traffic conditions! You'll know what's going to happen before everyone else, you'll be like God! Plus you'll also receive a 10-page book on trucker code! And we can't emphasize enough that it's absolutely vital for shut-ins!

The reality ...
When it comes time to warn us about "FIRES, FLOODS, HURRICANES TORNADOES" we like to think that the regular radio will do that, with the added bonus of also playing music on it's many channels.

8

Never Look Short Again!

Sick of being short? Let's face it, tall people get more dates, more respect and better jobs. But if you can't afford expensive body-lengthening surgery, you can simply get yourself a pair of "liftee" height-increasing pads.

The reality ...
Yes, they're just wedges you put in your shoes. Sure, according to the picture up there, they'll make you about eight-inches taller, but at the price of making you feel like you're wearing high heels.

The promise that the shoes will "invite romance" seems a little dubious, as the effect only lasts until you take the shoes off, so you better have, ahem, another way to impress the ladies once the disrobing begins. Like if you take off your shirt and have an Olympic gold medal there.

The claim that you'll "Find and qualify for the best jobs" seems even more questionable. Find, maybe, but qualify? "Well sir your resume doesn't show any gynecological experience and your background check revealed you're a convicted sex offender, but your tallness is very impressive. Congratulations you're our newest gynecologist! Here's three company pens, try not to lose them."

7

Frontier Cabin

You! Yes you! Could own your very own frontier cabin just like Abe Lincoln, Grizzly Adams and all those lunatics who thought Y2K was going to end the world and coming soon--all those lunatics who think 2012 is going to destroy the world! You can reenact all those great things you've seen happen in cabins in movies!

The reality ...
Sure it's only 23-square-feet big, but a studio apartment in Manhattan that size would cost $2,000 a month. No, the major problem with your frontier cabin is that it's made of 100 percent cardboard, which is a less than sturdy housing material. Especially if you're living on the frontier, where you need a home that can stand up to things like bear attacks, strong winds, rain and the occasional light kick.

Though it is cool that they sold them in bulk ("5 for $4!") so that if your cabin should be destroyed in a natural disaster or peed on by the family dog, you can just whip out a replacement. In fact, with these things on the market for a buck, we're wondering why a homeless man would ever opt for a refrigerator box.

6

BF Goodrich Bear Escape Shoes

5

The Shocker

The Shocker is a state of the art, nearly invisible hand-held self-defense system that will allow you to cripple your victims without the need for exercise or years of martial arts training!

It was invented by Kiyo Mi Gawa, a highly trained master of unarmed combat who has won over 21 titles. Gawa saw a need for average people to have their own hand-held crippling device without going through years of training to learn boring things like "responsibility" and "proper use." The Shocker works on the pneumatic "Cripple Cushion Principle" which allows air hammers to smash through solid concrete!

4

Hypnotism

Buy our Hypno-Coin/device/instruction guide and you can make anyone do anything you want! Hypnotize a bully and have him give himself a wedgy, or have that gal you've been givin' the eyes to give you a kiss! Or go even further! Makes date rape a breeze--there's no need to buy pesky pills and slip in her drink!

Heck, why stop at date rape when you can have your school principal hand you their wallet while doing the funky chicken! Hypnotism will allow you to control any brainless drones you want, you'll be like God with that sort of power! You'll be better than God! You'll be exactly like Oprah!

3

Life-Size Inflatable Doll

Tired of striking out with women again and again? Is your face sore from getting slapped? Restraining orders clogging your mailbox? Well there's one girl that will never reject you no matter how fat, ugly, smelly, stupid, perverted, murderous or incarcerated you are! Meet Poly Ethelene, your life-size inflatable woman!

You can name her, dress her, take her swimming, use her to plea insanity in court, do whatever you want! We mean whatever you want.

The reality ...
"So our heaviest readership demographic is males between the ages of 10 and 15. What would be a good product to promote in that space?"

2

Monkey in a Teacup

Wouldn't it be cool to have your own pet money? How much would you pay to have what would undoubtedly be the coolest pet on your block?

Well how about this offer of a small, portable monkey at almost no cost! What a perfectly reasonable offer!

The reality ...
Believe it or not, the monkey wasn't a stuffed animal. It was real, and it was possible to get one.

The scam was the company would send you 20 coupons to give out for their special color photos, which were actually black and white photos the customers provided that they colored in by hand for a fee (no, it didn't make a whole lot of sense). Anyway once you handed out the coupons you actually had to bring in 20 paying customers, which was nearly impossible since the thing you were selling was retarded.

But, some kids actually did pull it off, and the company actually did send them a small monkey, usually capuchins or marmosets. See back then the exotic animal trade wasn't regulated so they didn't realize that taking monkeys from South and Central America and giving them to kids in the US wasn't such a good idea.

1

Polaris Nuclear Sub

"How proud you will be as commander of the most powerful weapon in the world!" That's right kids you, yes you, can command a nuclear threat capable of killing millions of people! Comes with real firing missiles and torpedoes, a real periscope, an electrically lit control panel and is seven whole feet long!

Have fun sinking and surfacing and exploring the ocean floor! And becoming one of the world's nuclear powers! All that, for less than seven bucks!

The reality ...
Remember when we pointed out what cardboard wasn't a good material to make a frontier cabin out of? Well, it's even worse for submarines. We guess that's why they have all of those wacky cardboard boat races where the point is to watch everybody sink.

And don't tell us that it's just a submarine play set and not meant to be taken out to sea. Screw that, this thing offers "working" torpedoes. That means we should be able to fill the thing with food and go on a six-week voyage out to international waters to sink a Russian cruiser.

We're wondering how many kids took their Polaris sub out to the middle of a lake, only to find that it did the sinking part just fine, but without the "surfacing" and "not filling with water" that other, more expensive subs promise.

You want to know why the world is full of dictators like Kim Jong Il pushing to get nuclear programs? Because a few decades ago, they were kids. And they waited patiently for their mail order nuclear sub, only to find it was a cheap cardboard piece of crap. And they shook their fist and thought, "Some day, when I'm a grown up ... "

If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 5 Retro Commercials Companies Would Like You to Forget. And don't forget to check out Internet Party 2: An Intervention for MySpace to see which sites you shouldn't be inviting to your next intervention. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.