9

"Suck butter from my ass" (Chupe mantequilla de mi culo)

Who Said That? The Spanish.

Dear God Why?
How does a culture wind up with "suck the butter from my ass" as an insult? It's starts with "Me cago en la leche," meaning "I s**t in the milk." It's a common statement that's essentially a variant of "Damnit!" We're unsure how milk + poop = a jaunty, multipurpose expletive, but here we are.

Other helpful Spanish phrases:
When dookie is used for even the most pedestrian exclamations, more heated applications escalate the filth factor pretty rapidly:

"I s**t on your dead" (Me cago en tus muertos)

"I s**t on God" (Me cago en Dios)

"I s**t in/on your whore mother" (Me cago en tu puta madre)

Note that's "in" or "on," we guess depending on how she likes it.

And the list goes on. These folks just love s**t. Basically you can hold your own in any argument in Spain if you're creative enough with where you deposit your waste matter. If you're a man who is sharp enough to destroy someone with this virtualized s**t-flinging, pride may reward you with a "Brazo de santo," which literally translates to "arm of a saint" which means a full erection.

8

"A thousand dicks in your religion" (Elif air ab dinikh)

Who Said That? The Arabs.

Dear God Why?
If you thought Spanish had an unusual fixation with fecal matter allow the Arabs to put it in perspective with their penis-based potshots. Describing someone as a "fatah" (foreskin) alone is considered a grave insult and that's only the tip of the proverbial/metaphorical ... iceberg.

Other helpful Arabic phrases:

"May you be struck by a dick" (Air il'e yoshmotak)

"My dick in your conscience" (Airy fe dameerak)

"My dick in your mother's rib cage" (Eyreh be afass seder emmak)

That's not to say they're just smut peddlers insult-wise. Some of the most disrespectful things you can say are 100 percent penis-free like "Surmayye a'raasac" (A shoe is on your head). The foot is considered the most filthy part of the body, courtesy of their deserts not having any shortages on dirt. To direct your foot at someone verbally or physically means you aren't hiding your contempt, as vividly demonstrated by the thousands of Nike treads upside Saddam's bronze dome (right).

That explanation was a lot easier to track back than "Yela'an sabe'a jad lak" (Damn your seventh grandfather), which is the deepest scope of damnation demonstrated by any culture thus far. We're not sure about the relevance of the "seventh," but we do respect that kind of surgical precision when trying to denigrate someone's family.

7

"He's as thick as a bull's walt" (that is, as dense as an erect bull penis)

6

"Let a hungry Carpathian long-haired she-wolf blow your dick, f**k" (Gladna Karpatska valchitza s dalag kosam minet da ti prai deeba)

Who Said That? Bulgarians.

Dear God Why?
Bulgarian cursing is based on a hybrid of nature references and non sequiturs. Most of the good ones read like Tourette's syndrome Mad Libs. They still embrace common baselines, but the modifiers around it are what really shine. For instance:

Other helpful Bulgarian phrases:

"Your mother sucks bears in the forest" (Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata)

"f**k this tilted field" (Da eba taz kreeva neeva)

"You're as ugly as a salad" (Grozna si kato salata)

Some of them are so elaborate, it's not entirely clear which part to be offended by.

For instance, when someone tells you "Nosa ti e kato ruska putka" (Your nose is like a Russian p***y), should you be enraged at the comparison to a Russian or a vagina? And it's no different when being called "Pederas grozen gyrbaw prokazhen" (an unsightly hunchbacked leper queer). It sounds like swearing constructed from a profanity combo menu (please select one aspersion from Columns A, B and C).

5

"f**k the 18 generations of your ancestors" (Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai)

Who Said That? The Chinese (Mandarin).

Dear God Why?
Stop the presses! Though this is not technically damning. The Chinese have managed to smash the previous seven-generation threshold for familial insults through this little gem. Take that, Arabic.

Other helpful Mandarin phrases:
While Mandarin has a wealth of generalized insults for the intellectually stunted ("Sha gua" means retard--literally "stupid melon"), it really brings the heat with insults that don't sound at all insulting.

"Wear a green hat." This doesn't sound particularly offensive until you understand that green hats were a component of the male brothel workers uniform during the Tang dynasty. These brothels were so prominent that some historians speculate the Tang dynasty was actually named after the amount of poozle they serviced rather than the emperor's family. References to green hats can challenge the fidelity of someone's wife or suggest someone's father is an anonymous man whore.

"Your mother is a big turtle" (Nide muchin shr ega da wukwei). Again, means nothing without context. But because a turtle doesn't know its father, it's a creative way of calling someone a bastard.

We'd probably still opt for "cho yade" (smelly slave wench), but we're steeped in a different tradition.

4

"Grandfatherfucker" (Afatottari)

3

"I'll make sarma with your penis' skin" (Glirit mortin hed sarma shinem)

Who Said That? Armenians.

Dear God Why?
If you're not familiar with sarma, just picture an egg roll. Yeah, it doesn't get much more disturbing than that.

Other helpful Armenian phrases:
Fun Fact: You can gauge how industrialized a nation is by the percentage of their insults that involve barnyard animals.

"Eshoon noor oodel chi vayeler" It's not pretty watching a jackass try to eat a pomegranate (read: clumsy).

"Krisnera zhazh tan vred" Let the rats ejaculate on you.

"Kak oudelic shoon" s**t eating dog.

"Eshu Koorak" Son of Donkey.

The one involving rats is particularly jarring. It leverages sexual violation and vermin to make its point. Either that or we've misinterpreted it and Armenia is actually some sort of Mecca for furries.

2

"May God give you to search for your children with a Geiger counter" (Da bog da trazio detzoo Gaygerovim broyachem)

Who Said That? Serbians.

Dear God Why?
The Serbian curse dictionary is unafraid to embrace controversy. Sure, they enjoy simple classics like "Jebo ti jeza u ledja" (May you f**k a hedgehog) and "Popasi me chmarne dlachitse" (Graze on my ass hair), but politics and even religious jabs are fair game. Such as ...

Other helpful Serbian phrases:

"The Pope fucks you" (Jebo te Papa)

"May your house be live on CNN" (Da bog da ti kuca bila na CNN-U)--this essentially means I hope NATO will bomb your house.

Not all their digs are quite so topical. The CNN-based insults only work against people whose homes haven't been bombed, which couldn't be more than a couple dozen.

That's why "Da bi te majka prepoznala u bureku" (Let your mother recognize you in a meat pie) and "Da Bog da ti zena rodila stonogu pa ceo zivot radio za cipele" (May your wife give birth to a centipede so you have to work for shoes all your life) are instant classics as well.

1

"Stick your hand in my ass and jerk off with my s**t" (Sa-mi bagi mana-n cur si sa-mi faci laba la cacat)

Honorable Mentions:

Here's some more helpful phrases as you travel the globe, insulting the locals in their native language:

Danish:
Suck devilcock in hell you faggotdwarf (Sut djavlepik i helvede din bossedvarg).

Vietnamese:
"You eat pubic hair with salt-dip" (May an long dai cham mui)

Finnish:
"Piss into a transformer" (Kuse muuntajaan)

Afrikaans:
"Suck on my hemorrhoids and wait for better days" (Siug aan my aambeie en wag vir beter dae")

Albanian:
"May you get fucked by a blind bear" (Te qifte arusha qorre)

Bosnian:
"I dream about farting on you" (Sanjam da prdnem na tebe)

We're thinking that should cover about every situation. Enjoy your trip!

If you liked that you'll probably enjoy our look at 9 Words That Don't Mean What You Think. And don't forget to find out why The Mad Lib Answering Machine only sounds like a good idea. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.