Since the Golden Age of Atari, there have been video game enemies who are so unpleasant that they made us question the existence of a higher power. We at Cracked pay tribute to the rogues' galleries of yesteryear with this list of the 10 most trouser-soiling bad guys in gaming history.
Some of these foes may not seem scary by today's standards, but in their heyday, all of them taught us how to swear, hit the reset button, and, most importantly, cry.
The Wallmasters from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Historically, video game players and enemies have agreed to disagree. We'll kill them and they'll kill us. It's a brutal social contract, but it's worked for the last 30 years.
The Wallmasters flipped this script on us. Most bad guys are courteous enough to kill us as quickly as possible. Not these giant, zombie phalanges--they shanghaied Link back to the dungeon entrance, thus turning our adventure into a boring, repetitive slog and giving us a chance to meditate on all the free time we were spending pretending to be a fey elf dressed in a green camisole and tights.
The Poltergeist from Splatterhouse
During the early '90s home console boom, nothing was creepier than Splatterhouse for the Turbografx-16. Sure, the game's AI was laughably primitive (the enemies' favorite strategy was to rush at you in a single-file line like undead conga dancers), but its revolutionary gory graphics made up for it. Look at those screenshots. If this was 1990, you'd totally be losing your shit right now.
The game's most memorable boss was also its least bloody. In Level 2, the player confronted an angry poltergeist.
The spirit's weapons were antique chairs, silverware and a tasteful art deco tapestry (the monsters of Splatterhouse apparently shopped at Pottery Barn). Once you beat this evil bric-a-brac, the poltergeist retreated and, as a Hail-Mary "get bent," dropped the goddamn chandelier on you. Getting killed by that chandelier is an embarrassing experience you'll never forget, just like the day you lost your virginity.