In case you've always been too drunk to remember, a breathalyzer is the reason you wake up in jail after a night of heavy partying and erratic driving/neighborhood mailbox reduction. Once only available to law enforcement officials, anyone can now measure their blood alcohol content, at which point they'll drunkenly declare themselves fine to drive despite what it says.

The latest version connects to your iPod and is made available by David Steele Enterprises for only $50. But wait, there's more! This little gadget can also serve as an FM transmitter for your car radio.

So what's the problem?
How anti-social do you have to be to bring your iPod to the bar or a party with you? And how long do you think it'll take before you and your buddies start to use the breathalyzer to judge drinking competitions?

Still, more interesting to us than this product's potential for misuse is its vendor. David Steele seems to actually think that he's the Q to Steve Jobs' James Bond. Most of his website is used to sell hidden cameras and spy phones, but he seems to have been getting into iPod accessories recently. For example, he sells iPod video glasses, which we could probably make fun of if we wanted to, but which actually sound pretty damn cool (at least until the head-splitting migraines set in).

Thus, the iBeam will provide both a flashlight and a laser pointer attachment for your iPod for only $19.95.

So what's the problem?
Let's just assume that for some inexplicable reason, you end up stranded somewhere in the middle of the night, and the only thing you have with you is your iPod. Hey, stranger things have happened. What do you think the chances are that you'll also just happen to have that dumb little flashlight attachment that your friend gave you as a joke gift?

Furthermore, you already have your iPod, and to the best of our knowledge, there has never been an iPod invented that doesn't already come with a built in backlight. So, you use up your headphone jack (making it impossible to listen to music) to plug in the iBeam, which does what your iPod already does anyway. To be worth our 20 bucks, we're thinking the laser attachment better be able to cut through a pair of handcuffs, James Bond-style (which we think is what Mr. Steele from the previous entry would've done).

Though we admit it would make a nice blunt weapon if things should turn ugly.

This seems to be the second generation of iPod sex toy (of the kind we mentioned in a previous article). This "music activated sex toy for couples" as they call it lets you and your partner both plug in your earphones, your vibrating nodes, click on your DragonForce song list and enjoy the feeling of sexual stimulation without actually touching each other.

So what's the problem?
We have to admit, at first we didn't see one. The thought of two beautiful women in a passionate embrace, with the sound of Barry White playing in their ears was quite intriguing to us. (Hey, if they feel like they need to plug into sophisticated music technology to enjoy themselves, more power to them.)

Then someone pointed out to us that most of the people using this are not going to be lesbians. No, most of the people using this are going to be heterosexual couples. And if the male in that relationship neglects to use the strange plastic toys, there's only one place (we hope) that he can make use of his end of the vibrator.

We're not judging here. We're just saying you better label which end belongs to which partner.

It denies access to the click wheel and obscures the screen, replacing function with the kind of pure, electronic fetishism that will surely lead to the downfall of civilization.

Costing $99.95, the iCarta is basically exactly like any other number of iPod docks, except that this one has a built in toilet paper dispenser, and its speakers are waterproof.

So what's the problem?
Have you ever been sitting on your couch, and thought, "Oh my God, I really have to take crap, but I don't want to stop listening to this sweet Tears for Fears song"? Yeah, neither have we. As far as we can tell, that's pretty much the main reasons that Steve Jobs made the iPod so portable.

"But Mr. Cracked writer," you might respond in an urgent whisper. "I need music in the bathroom to cover the sounds of my messy bowel movements." We're not really sure what to say to that, except that you're weird for telling us, and that if the sound of your bowel movements is that big of a concern, you should probably just master the trick of a well-timed flush like the rest of us.

Still, the thing that weirds us out the most is that the iCarta advertises that its four speakers are waterproof. If you have a problem with the walls of your bathroom getting wet every time you take a dump, embarrassing noises are probably the least of your worries.