If Juno Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN

ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG
blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is
an intellectual, independent film.

She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.

ELLEN PAGE

I need to use the bathroom, as I've been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.

RAINN WILSON

Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day's supply of vitamin C in every serving?

ELLEN PAGE

That's right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.

RAINN WILSON

I can barely understand you. Is there a reason you're talking like what seems like a teenager designed by a committee of adults that have researched youth by watching MTV around the clock?

ELLEN PAGE

Yes, and you better start talking like that too or you'll have no place in the movie, Dwight.

RAINN WILSON

Oh, er, uh, I mean that's one doodle that can't be undid homeskillet oh my god I need a new agent.

ELLEN PAGE

You're so quirky! And so am I!

ELLEN pisses on a pregnancy test and it tells her that she's PREGNANT as well as PRECOCIOUS.

ELLEN PAGE

This sucks. The only thing left to do is walk home morosely while yet another obnoxious indie song blares.

ELLEN walks home, then calls her friend OLIVIA THIRLBY.

ELLEN PAGE

Hey Olivia. So I'm pregs for real.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

OhMyGodLikeForRealForRealPregs?

ELLEN PAGE

Holy crap, what the hell are you saying? Did someone encrypt your copy of the script or something?

OLIVIA THIRLBY

YouShouldTotallyGetAnAToTheBortion.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah. First I need you to help me salvage the chair I lost my virginity in, which is on a lawn for some reason that is almost definitely quirky.

They take the chair, then ELLEN sets up an entire living room
set in front of MICHAEL CERA'S HOME.

MICHAEL CERA

Ellen, hey. I like the couch on my front sidewalk, it's incredibly quirky of you.

ELLEN PAGE

Yeah, well I'm pretty quirky.

MICHAEL CERA

So what are you doing here? Do you need someth-

ELLEN PAGE

Wait, hold on. Your track team is about to come running by and I need to do a voiceover narration for no particularly reason, even though I only do it like three more times in the entire movie.

ELLEN PAGE (V.O.)

Whenever I see the track team, I can't help but picture their penises, because doing so allows me to explain that fact in a voiceover narration that I can end with the very hip term "pork swords."

ELLEN PAGE

Alright, sorry about that. What were we talking about? Oh right, I'm pregnant and it's yours.

MICHAEL CERA

Rather than freak the hell out like a typical high school student, I'm going to sputter around for words awkwardly and barely finish complete sentences. It's kind of my thing.

ELLEN calls an ABORTION CLINIC to make an appointment.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Crimson River Abortion Clinic, how may I help you?

ELLEN PAGE

Hi. I'd like to make an appointment for an abortion. Oh wait hang on my Hamburger Phone is acting up.

(shakes phone)

Alright, there we go.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)

Alright, well just come in any time and we can tak-

ELLEN PAGE

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think you heard me. I'm talking on a HAMBURGER PHONE. How zany is that? That's for shizz quirky.

ELLEN goes to the CLINIC and signs in. Another INDIE SONG
blares over the scene to make sure you remember that you are
supporting INDEPENDENT CINEMA by watching this movie.

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

Please sign in here. Do you want a free condom? They make my boyfriend's penis taste like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

ELLEN PAGE

Wow, what a completely quirky and inappropriate thing to say to a complete stranger!

CLINIC RECEPTIONIST

I know, right!?

ELLEN suddenly runs out of the CLINIC and visits her friend
OLIVIA.

OLIVIA THIRLBY

WhatAreYouDoingOhMiGod?

ELLEN PAGE

I decided I want to keep the baby so that I can star in a wholly overrated independent film about a teenager giving her baby to a childless couple.

ELLEN sits down to talk to her father and stepmother.

ELLEN PAGE

So, I'm pregnant.

J.K. SIMMONS

WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING 16 WHAT THE FU-

ELLEN PAGE

Dad, you're in an indie flick, remember?

J.K. SIMMONS

Oh right. Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up, I meant to make a dry, sarcastic remark.

ALLISON JANNEY

And I'd like to follow that up with a second barb.

ELLEN PAGE

It's Michael Cera's. The kid from Arrested Development.

J.K. SIMMONS

Huh. I didn't think he had it in him.

ELLEN PAGE

What, sperm?

ELLEN goes ahead with her pregnancy and the movie SAVED plays
out with fewer jokes and more pretentiousness.

ELLEN finds a couple to adopt her kid: JASON BATEMAN and
JENNIFER GARNER. ELLEN goes to meet them.

JENNIFER GARNER

We're so happy you'd consider us despite the fact that I starred in Elektra.

JASON BATEMAN

So who is the father of the little bastard?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh, just this awkward, typecast kid at school named Michael Cera.

JASON BATEMAN

No shit? He played my son on Arrested Development. I look forward to the scene in this movie that reunites us for the first time since the show was canceled, which is sure to be a real pleasure for fans.

That scene NEVER HAPPENS. ELLEN agrees to give her kid to
JENNIFER and JASON.

TIME PASSES and MORE INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS. ELLEN
goes through the various scenes that movies about pregnant
people are obligated to include.

She visits JASON BATEMAN.

JASON BATEMAN

Hey Ellen. Want to watch some indie horror films and listen to some indie music together?

ELLEN PAGE

That sounds great! I sure hope that watching the movie isn't interrupted by me having to go puke my guts out, sweaty and hunched over the toilet.

(pause)

Just kidding, none of that crap happens in the movie. Pregnancy is easy-peasy.

JASON BATEMAN

Well, I have good news. I'm leaving Jennifer Garner.

ELLEN PAGE

Why, because your marriage to her has robbed you of your youth, which you have been reminded of since you started hanging around with me?

JASON BATEMAN

No, I just rented 13 Going On 30. I can't even look at her now. Has she been in anything good?

ELLEN PAGE

Oh. Because if it was the other thing, then you could take notice of the fact that I remind you of your younger days despite the fact that my current predicament requires a level of maturity far beyond my years, and you could enjoy the contrast between our situations that is ironically illustrated by having us both get along so well.

JASON BATEMAN

How artistic!

ELLEN PAGE

You're goddamn right it is! Bring on the Oscars!

LIVEJOURNAL: THE MOVIE continues. JASON abandons JENNIFER
GARNER. ELLEN page gives birth while some more INDIE
MUSIC plays.

JENNIFER GARNER

Yay, now I get to raise an adopted kid in a broken home so that I can be overly protective and insane.

ELLEN PAGE

And I passed all of my classes and everything! Pregnancy is as unobtrusive as it is without consequence!

MICHAEL CERA

So now that you popped the kid out, I think we're in love with each other. What should we do to express our love? Make out? Have sex again? Go buy seasons one through three of Arrested Development?

ELLEN PAGE

Have you been watching a different movie? We should play yet more indie music together.

They DO. EVERYONE convinces themselves they loved the movie
so that they don't feel STUPID.

END