For as long as there has been religion, there's been someone hawking religious crap to scam a buck off the devout. But once the market becomes saturated with tasteful silver crosses and Star of David pendants, retailers had to find more exotic fare to tempt the faithful.
And so began a downward spiral of crass and downright sacrilegious merchandise that is certain to call down the wrath of the almighty Himself.
Crazy cat ladies transcend religious barriers--it's really a unifying theme of humanity. As such, when Chanukah rolls around, those Jewish crazy cat ladies bust out Ketzel. It's the one time of year that Judaism really lends itself to lighting a nightmarish looking blue cat in a bow tie on fire for several days.
For those not able to bring up Biblical verse off the top of their heads, this is Luke 6:38:
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Yes, today the Lord has heaped upon us this blessing of bubblegum tape.
Some of the darker aspects of the scriptures, things like fiery wrath and disease, are tricky to capture in soft, cuddly animal form. Or are they?
Yes, they are. But that didn't stop someone from trying with the 10 Plagues of Egypt toy. Now your child, ages 3 and up, can enjoy an unhappy severed head of the first born, locusts, twitching, dying cattle and so much more.
The groan-worthy pun name of this product alone should be enough to get it banned by the church. These mints have scripture written on the one-inch square wrapper, which we guess makes them a sort of a reverse fortune cookie.
Their spokesperson is none other than Jaci Velasquez. You know, Dove Award-winning American Contemporary Christian Latin Pop singer Jaci Velasquez? Yeah, that one. She assures us these things are minty as hell. As hell.
The urge to engage in some manner of cannibalistic ritual with God is a natural one, what with that whole body of Christ thing that creeps out so many kids at church. If you could make Jesus a little more tasty, toss in some sprinkles and maybe a little chocolate, why not? And so what if the cookie that it forms ends up looking like some emotionless, drug-addled eastern European cartoon in a shopping cart?
Known to roam the valleys of Israel, the chocolate Jew bear is credited with inventing kosher pickles and once chasing Abraham three miles across rough terrain. Oh sorry, we made that whole thing up by accident. Yeah, we don't know where the fuck chocolate Jew bear came from.
Maybe they made up this cartoonish character, as they knew every child's instinct would be to bite the head off first. It's not like they can have the kids biting the head off Jesus.
Or, maybe they can.
After much research, it became clear that the Pope Cake (or Dolce Del Papa) is not a joke. Some Italian joint called Pan Ducale made them because Pope John Paul II really dug this cake and not, as we had hoped, because the Pope made each cake himself.
What's that? You thought we were going to make some kind of sophomoric "Poop Cake" reference? We're afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave.
Let's be honest, Jesus hates fatties. It's somewhere in the Bible. Just follow the asterisk on that bit about him loving everyone. But that doesn't mean He'll hate you forever. Not if you pick up the Praise Workout Circuit Training Video so you can trim down to the sweet beats of inspirational worship music.
If all other workouts have failed, this has to work as it puts God on your side. If this fails, you're almost definitely going to eat your way right to hell.
As many of you know, we absolutely hate going to the beach. Not because our pale, undernourished frames respond to the sun in vampire-like fashion nor because that big, muscle guy keeps kicking sand in our faces. No, it's because we can't stand the thought of leaving blank, wordless tracks in the sand. Well thank God that's not a concern any more. Now we can tell the world, on the beach or some muddy lot, that Jesus loves them from the bottom of our feet.
This line of figurines represents Jesus being kick-ass at a variety of activities from bull riding to ... reading. Well, despite the one weak entry, this set seems to suggest the Messiah was all about getting busy in a variety of ways. The football figurine was controversial, because the Methodists assert Jesus was a running quarterback while other denominations insist the Lord was strictly a pocket passer.
The next set of figures will include Jesus in a kickboxing tournament, Jesus hunting man for sport and Jesus choke-slamming the Pope through a steel cage.
These days, for a child, sleep is a constant battle with the forces of darkness. Now you can help your kids defeat darkness with the Armor of God pajamas. It is thought to be the ultimate test of a man's faith when he can enter battle with nothing but a cushy pajama shield.
Far be it from us to tell any woman how to live, but we might suggest if you're down a path that leads you to "whore for Jesus," (which we didn't know even qualified as a path) we suggest maybe rethinking it.
Nonetheless, someone made the Lookin' Good for Jesus Kit, which contains a mirrored Jesus statuette, vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand and body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact. The top of the package, adorned with eerie looking cartoon women staring googly-eyed at the Lord, says "Get His Attention" and implicitly adds "by being a skanky abomination."
We don't know exactly what the designer of these statues was going for, probably some kind of After School Special bullshit about believing in yourself or not abusing PCP or whatever. Nonetheless, when they designed the "Jesus is my Gymnastics Coach" statue, they were either the sickest bastards on earth or so genuinely clean-minded, they couldn't conceive of the thousand and one horribly offensive jokes we've made since seeing this thing, none of which we're going to print here.
Jesus was known to perform more miracles than you could shake a stick at, but who knew any of those miracles involved viewing the world in 3D? And while we can appreciate that the world already exists in 3D, that didn't stop someone from making these glasses that let you see the world the way Jesus did, which is to say the word "Jesus" will float around your face like some kind of annoying hallucination.
Christians don't have the market on shitty merchandise cornered by a long shot, as witnessed by the stunning Grow-A Buddha, because as the box notes, "growing your Buddha is the first step on your path to enlightenment." Whatever the fuck that means.
This Buddha will grow 600 percent of its original size if you put it in water, after which time we assume you use it to wash your car or smear on seeds and watch him grow a Chia afro.
Because few things compliment a pious lifestyle like getting shit faced, Haroz wineries gives us the Grapes of Galilee wine, from vineyards right in Jesus' old neighborhood. The crops are even irrigated with waters from the river Jordan where Jesus was baptized and where, in 2006, raw sewage was dumped. Who knows, Jesus Himself may have eaten the great, great, great grandfather of the grape that got pressed into the wine you're drinking.
Not nearly as cool or practical as being a Teen Wolf, which would at least make you a kick-ass basketball player, the Teen Witch Kit does offer you an understanding of Wicca, which some vegans in a commune in Northern California assure us is really a religion.
Not only that, this kit lays out a furious groin kick to cheap-ass religions like Christianity that only offer eternal salvation. This kit provides interested teens with spells for things like ... shopping guidance. Wait, is there a more expensive kit that will let us throw lightning and shit? If so, we're saving up for that one.
Remember the mid '90s when, for a brief period of time, there was a standing rule that if you could think up any preposterous shit while completely hammered on Robitussin, someone would film it for you and make it into a long running series? Neither do we, but it must have happened somewhere to account for the Bibleman television show. Now, you too can kick ass for the Lord in video game form.
As you're no doubt aware, the most common complaint about nativity scenes is they're too prejudiced against non humans. After all, who are the dogs supposed to pray to?
Luckily, some intrepid inventor out there took a stand and made the Dog Nativity Scene featuring Mary, Joseph, some wise men and the Messiah Himself, all as partially clothed canines. It's blaspheming fun for the whole family, assuming your family enjoys dodging angry thunderbolts and plagues.
Apparently it's not just religious types who insist on making children's playthings into specters of genuine terror, as we discovered in our rundown of The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World. And don't miss Ross Wolinksy's play by play on YouTube's most aggravating election '08 video yet.
Ian Fortey
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