12 Website FAQs We Suspect Aren't Asked That Frequently

It's hard for us to tell whether there are a lot of clueless people frequently asking dumb questions out there, or clueless web designers trying to predict what questions might get frequently asked by the type of clueless people they expect to visit their site.


Alleged Frequent Question:
"Do you recommend looking for a mate through your service?"

Ladies, do websites like Lavalife and Match.com lack the threat of impending violence you look for in a dating site? The guys you'll meet at meet-an-inmate.com are going to be in great shape, and totally committed to you, as evidenced by the life-sized tattoo of your face they'll add right between the eagle and swastika on their back!

In their official answer, meet-an-inmate.com discourages the prison relationships that people so frequently ask about, but they're much more reserved than you might expect, using phrases like: "too many obstacles" and "the odds of everything working out are slim." Plus, rapists and murderers are usually so clingy.

Playboy Enterprises

Alleged Frequent Question:
"Would Playboy sell so well if it didn't have naked women in it?"

If this question was on a Blockbuster Video, we're sure the back of the box would tell you that the hypothetical people frequently asking it also loved asking:

* Whether Miller High Life would sell so well without alcohol in it;
* Whether Scrabble would be popular if the wooden squares featured binary digits; and
* Whether people would buy as many Powerball tickets if the grand prize was a Git-R-Done baseball cap and an issue of Playboy with no naked women in it.

The answer they provide, "Probably not. We'll never know," has the unmistakable ring of willful ignorance, like Carl Everett claiming that he doesn't believe in dinosaurs because he's never met one. Come on Playboy editors, we know that when you graduated from journalism school, writing for a titty magazine wasn't one of your stated career goals, but it's time to face up to the truth.

Disney Cruise Lines

Alleged Frequent Question:
"Is it true that children must be toilet-trained in order to enter the pools?" And "What are the swimming pools for kids?"

This one-two punch of obtuseness assumes such a lack of familiarity with pool etiquette and the very concept of what a children's pool is, that we're not sure anyone who asks it would be able to figure out how to board a boat, let along procreate.

Disney helpfully answers the first question by informing parents that, yes it is indeed true that you're not supposed to let your kid crap in the pool, but they do it in an almost apologetic way, pointing out that "the United States Public Health Service requires" it. Hey, the folks at Disney would let your kid crap in the pool to his heart's content, but it's out of their hands thanks to the floater-Nazis over at the USPHS.

They do point parents with incontinent children to "the fountain play area near the Mickey Pool." It'll be the one that looks less like a fountain, and more like a stew of poop-tinted diaper stuffing and bemulleted children.

World Of Warcraft

Alleged Frequent Question:
"What classes are available in World of Warcraft? Are there any non-combat or 'pacifist' classes that can gain levels from healing wounds, curing disease, "buffing," or by providing any other type of assistance to other players?"

You know how people who graduate from an Ivy League college are really quick to ask you where you went to school, and then will sit quietly until you ask them back? Most FAQs work in a similar way, except companies don't even have to bother baiting you into asking the questions they're after since they get to write your question for you. So you end up asking things like, "can I be a pacifist in World of Warcraft" that make you sound like a total pussy.

Then they get to answer you with grizzled one-word answers (in this case "No.") like you're an asshole for having asked the question in the first place.

Aeroflot Russian Airlines

Alleged Frequent Question:
"Is it possible apropos of epidemic of the bird's flu to transport shell parakeets by Aeroflot from Moscow to Kaliningrad? The parrots will be bought in Moscow. The reference for export is available; also, there is a sanction of the main veterinary of Kaliningrad. What documents are required else?"

At first, we were pretty certain that Aeroflot had inadvertently translated a Russian SAT question, in which case the obvious answer is: "D) It all depends on how many parakeets I can fit in my pants." (Incidentally, this is the correct answer on every Russian SAT question). But then we conducted a random search of Expedia, and found that flying from Moscow to Kaliningrad costs $149 on Aeroflot vs. $1,713 on the only other airline that flies the route. That's a $1,500 difference that enough people are apparently willing to pay to stay the fuck off of an Aeroflot flight.

So while we're still pretty certain that this particular question has never been asked in quite the same grammatically convoluted way, we have little doubt that rampant parakeet smuggling and a little bird flu is the least of your worries if you decide to fly Aeroflot.

Iams Pet Food

Alleged Frequent Question:
"When I give my Labrador treats, she hides them in a corner and "covers" them with air. Why?"

Right away this begs the question as to just how many times you have to ask a subsidiary of a mega-corporation like Proctor & Gamble an apparently obscure question for it to be considered "frequently asked".

We're not even sure what it means to "cover" something with air. Are they pretending to cover it up with dirt? Are they blowing on it?

Also, isn't anything that's not under water or in outer space already "covered" with air? This is obviously one of those questions that only serves to spawn more questions. Apparently Iams is just as puzzled because when this bizarre mystery is presented on the FAQ page, their only response is to provide a link to a page with no further information about the behavior.

Dr. Demento

Alleged Frequent Question:
"I can't find your show anywhere around here! What gives?"

Perhaps this question earned legitimate frequent status when it was phoned in daily by Weird Al Yankovic, the recipient of significant airplay from DJ Dr. Demento during the 1980s.

If Al had dug around on the website he would have discovered that "what gives" is that he doesn't live in one of the EIGHT markets that still broadcast Dr. Demento weekly, including: Albany, Oregon and North Clinton, Iowa. But the real reason we're suspicious of this question's frequency is the simple fact that we've never heard the phrase "What gives?" used outside of a Hardy Boys novel.

Cosmopolitan Magazine

Alleged Frequent Question:
"Someone called me saying he/she was from Cosmo, but asked me a lot of very personal questions. What gives?"

First of all, we're surprised you even know what Cosmo is since you're very clearly an adolescent boy from the year 1954.

While having long since disappeared from actual use, the phrase "What gives?" is apparently enjoying a healthy resurgence in the FAQ section of various websites, presumably because it makes the hypothetical user sound peeved in an adorably anachronistic way, where as a more common phrase like "What the fuck?!?" might come off as genuinely angry. Using such a stupid phrase is also helpful in distracting readers from the fact that perverts are using your brand to sexually harass your clientele.

Bazooka Joe Bubblegum

Alleged Frequent Question:
"What should I do with my gum when I am finished?"

We actually really hope this one is frequently asked, or that it has been asked at least once. We want to believe that there's a guy who was chewing Bazooka Joe, wrote this question to the company, and then continued to diligently chew the gum until receiving the company's response. Their proposed solution is to wrap it in paper and throw it away, which we're sure was a bit of a letdown for our hypothetical, inquisitive gum-chewer, but they make the recommendation with lots of exclamation points, so at least they were enthusiastic about the whole thing.


Alleged Frequent Question:
"Is it OK for my dog to chew/eat sugarfree gum?"

Obviously not as dogs can't read the Bazooka Joe website and would have no idea how to properly dispose of it. That, and sugar-free gum is apparently toxic to dogs. Oh, and dogs don't fucking chew gum.

Coca-Cola Bottling Company

Alleged Frequent Question:
"There is a message making the rounds on the Internet that says that carbonated soft drinks can be used for a variety of household purposes, such as removing rusty bolts and cleaning greasy clothes. Is this true, and does it mean soft drinks are unhealthy?"

We're sure a variant on this question is frequently asked of them, namely, "Is it true that Coke has the alien-blood-like ability to dissolve human teeth and metal?" Coca-Cola tries to pull a fast one by rephrasing the question so that it's asking about whether Coca-Cola is as incredibly useful at removing rusty bolts and cleaning greasy clothes as we'd all heard.

Coke responds by stating: "The message you cite also mentions that baking a ham basted with Coca-Cola produces a delicious gravy -- and that is definitely true!" Well, no need to read any further about that other household cleaner mumbo-jumbo, we got hams to bake!

If you like getting angry about stupid things on the web, you'll love our roundup of the 5 most annoying banner ads on the internet. If, on the other hand, you're the sort of person who likes getting turned on by clips of TV shows taken out of context, then you'll certainly enjoy Ross's blog post about what appears to be Star Trek porn.

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