Ensure you have reliable cellphone coverage to avoid a hilariously mistimed lost call leading to misunderstandings and a breakup that will take weeks to repair. Strangely, the thought of being better off without a woman who hysterically dumps you over a single phone call will not occur to you.
Should your visiting sister be desperately grief-stricken because her husband has been crushed under an alligator and all five of her quintuplet children have cancer, the closest you are allowed to come while consoling her is shouting advice from across the room. Any closer and your girlfriend will witness and somehow completely misread the situation.
Ignore any and all advice from your hilarious male friends. Amazingly, the keen tactical minds that assist you in chugging tequila while handstanding over a stripper are not well-suited to subtle emotional situations.
If you suspect you may be written by Kevin Smith, ON NO ACCOUNT make ANY daring or desperate attempts to save the affair. It will turn out to be the worst relationship rescue idea since Hitler said, "Come on, Eva, let's go to my bunker for a few days until all this blows over." Just buy some roses and hope for the best.
Should you find Eugene Levy giving you paternal relationship advice, please check to ensure you haven't made this exact same movie four times already.
In the event your lover claims she faked her orgasms, do not dispute this statement, as this runs the risk of reminding people that Billy Crystal has had sex-a mental image that causes permanent damage. The correct tactical response to the "I faked my orgasms" gambit is the "Like I cared" maneuver.