1. Lost Series 1 – Hurley Action Figure
Kids will be thrilled at the sight of the Hurley action figure from the hit TV drama, Lost
. Here’s a list of things Hurley can do:
- Lean against a pole.
- Breathe heavily.
- Burden our healthcare system.
There’s also a voice chip that spits out lines like “Wait! The numbers are bad!” This is the perfect toy for all ages, because when your kids grow older, they can contemplate what the word “action” in “action figure” really means, and some day computer technology may be advanced enough to calculate the colossal error in judgment it must have taken to green light this shitfest of an action figure.
Runner-up: Lost Series 1 – Shannon Action Figure
Seen here tastefully sun-bathing amongst the backdrop of plane wreckage. To be fair, only some of the passengers were brutally ripped apart upon crash landing, and that beach looks very inviting.
2. Dirt Devil Junior Play Upright Vacuum Cleaner
Manufacturer recommended age: 3-7
My recommended age: 1-99
What you are looking at may be the single most brilliant invention in the history of the universe: a vacuum cleaner toy! This cleverly disguised appliance will help condition your children to run around the house with a vacuum, so when they grow older, they’ll jump at the opportunity to handle the real thing with reflexes that would give Pavlov a wet dream.