Ah, Eurovision. Is there a more ridiculous display of unintentional
hilarity in the world? It's doubtful.
In case you don't know what Eurovision is, imagine a competition like
American Idol in which each European nation picks an artist to represent
it, but instead of kids doing cover songs, it's professional bands doing
original songs. Also, the songs are mind-numbingly awful.
Of course, it's not all funny. Just 98 percent of it is. That's why it wasn't
easy to compile this list of the 10 funniest performances of the 2007
Ireland - "They Can't
Stop the Spring"
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Ireland came in last place in this year's Eurovision, and... well, it's
pretty easy to see why. You've got a warbling lead singer who can't even
sway (not to mention sing), a walking cliché of a band straight
out of the Ireland pavilion at Epcot Center, and a song that's not even worthy
of the end credits in Lord of the Rings.
Plus, aren't Irish songs all about hoisting a pint and waving it left
and right? "They Can't Stop the Spring" sounds like a lyric
stolen from a failed C+C Music Factory song.
Romania's entry is a potent reminder of why you should never watch children's
television while tweaked out of your mind on acid. Several weird-looking
dudes sing "I love you" in different, possibly make-believe
languages while a bald jester guy stands off to the side pondering, a
Gregory Hines look-alike does some sort of awkward hip-hop thing, and a
chef/mime walks around aimlessly. Faster and faster, suckier and suckier,
it's like some awful hallucination scene from a Hunter S. Thompson novel.
Whoa, that intro does not prepare the audience for what's to
come, does it? Everything starts off promisingly enough, with pyrotechnics
and what sounds vaguely like rock, but then things quickly devolve into some
sort of glam boogie-woogie nightmare that would make Freddie Mercury and
Elton John blush.
And does the lead singer really need to take his shirt off to reveal
his weird metal chestpatch? It's like he's wearing the opposite of Janet
Jackson's nip-slip Super Bowl outfit. And how about those lyrics: "Words, I
like to break 'em / Words, I like to shake 'em." Sweden: stick to
We're almost positive this song was in Castlevania; although this must
be the techno remix. These misguided Slovenians probably chose a Nintendo song since the country
is 20 years behind the rest of the world-it's probably new to them.
What else would explain the ghetto surprise special effects: Christmas
lights strapped to the lead singer's hand? At least she was able
to work the extension cord into her outfit.
So here's the Serbs' winner. Yep, out of all the entries, this was supposedly
the "best" one. Let's put aside the fact that the Death Cab
for Cutie guy was called in as a ringer and focus on the important
stuff, like what exactly are the backup transvestite pageant winners doing
for the first two minutes? Apparently in Serbia, sulking and awkward touching
are considered "choreography."
A bunch of dudes with ponytails prancing around in pink scarves and angel
wings-this doesn't play into any French stereotypes at all.
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More importantly, what's up with the bald guy? Imagine waking up
in the middle of the night to find him perched next to your bed, staring
at you. That would be almost as horrifying as this performance. But there
could be a good use for this band of Frenchies: make them share a house
with Slayer and turn it into a reality show.
Hey, it's James Bond! Except he's not cool or good-looking
and can't kick anyone' ass!
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Okay, we'll admit that the intro for "Work Your Magic" had us for
a second before anyone actually opened their mouths, but once the Bond-meets-Dieter-from-Sprockets
ran thin, we were too busy lying on the floor doubled over with laughter
to summon up the magic to turn off the volume. If your only knowledge
of Eastern Europe comes from shows like Taxi and Perfect
Strangers, you probably assume every guy over there is exactly like
Good lord. Because stewardesses and, uh, male stewardesses aren't annoying
enough, let's give them cordless mics. Really though, this song
is so bad, it verges on crossing the line from funny to unbearable. It
does bring to mind a certain quote from The Big Lebowski, though:
"Nothing is fucked? The goddamn plane has crashed into the
In a shocking turn of events, this one is actually funny on purpose,
since the woman-thing singing is actually a performance artist-basically
the Ukranian Sacha Baron Cohen. And that's all you really need to
know, because nothing we say can be funnier than this performance.