Dustin Glick,Jason Newman
·
Ah, Eurovision. Is there a more ridiculous display of unintentional hilarity in the world? It's doubtful.
In case you don't know what Eurovision is, imagine a competition like American Idol in which each European nation picks an artist to represent it, but instead of kids doing cover songs, it's professional bands doing original songs. Also, the songs are mind-numbingly awful.
Of course, it's not all funny. Just 98 percent of it is. That's why it wasn't easy to compile this list of the 10 funniest performances of the 2007 Eurovision finals.
Ireland came in last place in this year's Eurovision, and... well, it's pretty easy to see why. You've got a warbling lead singer who can't even sway (not to mention sing), a walking cliché of a band straight out of the Ireland pavilion at Epcot Center, and a song that's not even worthy of the end credits in Lord of the Rings.
Plus, aren't Irish songs all about hoisting a pint and waving it left and right? "They Can't Stop the Spring" sounds like a lyric stolen from a failed C+C Music Factory song.
Romania's entry is a potent reminder of why you should never watch children's television while tweaked out of your mind on acid. Several weird-looking dudes sing "I love you" in different, possibly make-believe languages while a bald jester guy stands off to the side pondering, a Gregory Hines look-alike does some sort of awkward hip-hop thing, and a chef/mime walks around aimlessly. Faster and faster, suckier and suckier, it's like some awful hallucination scene from a Hunter S. Thompson novel.
Whoa, that intro does not prepare the audience for what's to come, does it? Everything starts off promisingly enough, with pyrotechnics and what sounds vaguely like rock, but then things quickly devolve into some sort of glam boogie-woogie nightmare that would make Freddie Mercury and Elton John blush.
And does the lead singer really need to take his shirt off to reveal his weird metal chestpatch? It's like he's wearing the opposite of Janet Jackson's nip-slip Super Bowl outfit. And how about those lyrics: "Words, I like to break 'em / Words, I like to shake 'em." Sweden: stick to death metal.
We're almost positive this song was in Castlevania; although this must be the techno remix. These misguided Slovenians probably chose a Nintendo song since the country is 20 years behind the rest of the world-it's probably new to them. What else would explain the ghetto surprise special effects: Christmas lights strapped to the lead singer's hand? At least she was able to work the extension cord into her outfit.
So here's the Serbs' winner. Yep, out of all the entries, this was supposedly the "best" one. Let's put aside the fact that the Death Cab for Cutie guy was called in as a ringer and focus on the important stuff, like what exactly are the backup transvestite pageant winners doing for the first two minutes? Apparently in Serbia, sulking and awkward touching are considered "choreography."
Okay, we admit this one didn't make the finals, but consider this a public service announcement: Vampires Are Alive in Helsinki... And Their Dancing Is SYNCHRONIZED!
Be afraid. At least we know what Bud Bundy's been up to since Married with Children got canceled.
A bunch of dudes with ponytails prancing around in pink scarves and angel wings-this doesn't play into any French stereotypes at all.
More importantly, what's up with the bald guy? Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to find him perched next to your bed, staring at you. That would be almost as horrifying as this performance. But there could be a good use for this band of Frenchies: make them share a house with Slayer and turn it into a reality show.
Hey, it's James Bond! Except he's not cool or good-looking and can't kick anyone' ass!
Okay, we'll admit that the intro for "Work Your Magic" had us for
a second before anyone actually opened their mouths, but once the Bond-meets-Dieter-from-Sprockets
ran thin, we were too busy lying on the floor doubled over with laughter
to summon up the magic to turn off the volume. If your only knowledge
of Eastern Europe comes from shows like Taxi and Perfect
Strangers, you probably assume every guy over there is exactly like
this dude.
Good lord. Because stewardesses and, uh, male stewardesses aren't annoying enough, let's give them cordless mics. Really though, this song is so bad, it verges on crossing the line from funny to unbearable. It does bring to mind a certain quote from The Big Lebowski, though: "Nothing is fucked? The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!"
In a shocking turn of events, this one is actually funny on purpose, since the woman-thing singing is actually a performance artist-basically the Ukranian Sacha Baron Cohen. And that's all you really need to know, because nothing we say can be funnier than this performance.
