NOTE: Though Whitesnake songs are of course recommended
when determining how drunk you've gotten, the works of Foreigner and Van
Halen can be substituted as necessary.
Entering Into a Coma
over two liters of thoroughly unpleasant Wisconsonite lager sloshing around
inside you, you're going to be feeling boisterous and confident, in no
small part because you were successful in drinking it. Cautiously avoid
any temptation to give friends a call or go out for more drinks in a pub
or dance club. Firstly, you won't be sleeping, which was, you may dimly
recall at this point, the entire point of this exercise. Secondly, you're
quite drunk. Play it safe, and work under the assumption that nobody you
know will want to discourse with someone drunk enough to sing Jewel lyrics
about how her feelings are like moonlight. If you do have friends willing
to do this, contemplate finding new friends. In any event, call no one.
Go nowhere. Say, aren't you getting tired?
Crack open your final Tall Boy. If you weren't in bed before, get into
bed now. If you were in bed before, maintain this position. Drink the
Tall Boy, but more slowly than the others. The last thing you'll want
to do at this point is knock back something as foul as Old Milwaukee quickly;
this might irritate your already upset stomach further and make for an
impromptu trip to the bathroom, ruining the entire exercise.
Sip your Tall Boy casually. Try reading. Are you having trouble focusing
on the page? Does reading a sentence send you off on a mangled tangent
of thought for five minutes? Most importantly, are your eyes getting heavy?
Continue sipping your Tall Boy and reading until you can answer a confident
and slurred "yes" to all of the above questions.