The game' origins are unknown, though some suggest that it started in ancient Rome, where most children were born armless or with flippers or hands lacking opposable thumbs, making kicking things a necessity of life.
For residents of such soccer powerhouses as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad, the World Cup is the single most thrilling event in their atrocious lives. For residents of the United States, it' an educational tool whereby they can learn that countries such as Suriname, Trinidad, Tobago and Chad actually exist.
For an added educational kick, residents of the U.S. can learn that such countries can be considered "powerhouses" at something and lament the fact that even shitty countries can beat us at something.
Mostly through kicking and chasing, but there are other valuable skills, such as faking injuries and diving. Expert divers have the uncanny ability to drop like a black-hatted extra in a spaghetti Western whenever anyone comes within three or four feet of them. When someone falls, the other team gets a penalty, which means that they are often left with fewer people to kick and chase the ball.
Matches last for two 45-minute halves, into which the two teams pack enough excitement to fill THREE 45-second thirds. After the