Please Don’t Destroy Says This Performer Roasted Them Worse Than Any Other

When the Please Don’t Destroy guys were making films for Saturday Night Live, they had a secret formula for comedy success: Allow celebrity guests to make fun of them without mercy. 

For example? How about the time Pete Davidson and Taylor Swift ganged up to diss Ben Marshall, Martin Herlihy and John Higgins? “All my friends are cool and famous, except these three sad virgins,” Davidson rapped. He got more personal, calling out each man by name: “John's loud but not very smart. Ben's breath kind of smells like a fart. And Martin's penis tip is way too red — at least that's what his doctor said.”

Taylor Swift was just as mean: “Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley, he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers,” she crooned. Martin “has the charm and the sex appeal of a scarecrow,” she continued, while “John has a big-ass bowling ball head.” 

When Charli XCX guested, she bumped into Ben Marshall in a cut-for-time sketch. While it looked like instant romance, it was anything but. “Hey, this might be crazy, but would you ever want to watch where the (bleep) you're going?” she asked. “You just charged into me like a rhino, you dead-eyed ginger.”

Ben Marshall got it again when he tried to hit on Ana De Armas at an afterparty. “Can you stop yelling in my mouth?” she asks him. “Seriously, you smell like you have a dead tooth.”

But who delivered the harshest burns to the group? “I feel like we've got to shout out Dakota Johnson,” Marshall told Entertainment Weekly. “She was so funny in how mean she was to us.”

“The jokes, when you just read them on a page, are pretty mean,” agreed Higgins, “but the way she would say them, it would just be so brutal, just next-level funny. So good.”

Some examples of Johnson’s cutting remarks?

“I've seen all your videos. They're really … not for me.”

After Higgins pitched a sketch in which one of the PDD members would play her boyfriend, Johnson burst out laughing. “Sorry, that’s the first funny thing you’ve ever said.” When Herlihy clarifies that they weren’t joking, Johnson is confused. “So is it like a Make-a-Wish thing? Does my character have brain damage?”

“I’ve always wanted to meet the Lonelier Island.”

“What's it like looking like the last three guys a lesbian sleeps with before coming out?”

It’s a wonder that any of the three comics walked out of the room alive. Even though Please Don’t Destroy fired back with insults of their own, it’s clear that Johnson wins the match. “The whole time she's literally sipping out of a cup,” Marshall remembered. “That just is so shady.”