Why a Text-Based 'Grand Theft Auto' Would Suck

Why a video about Why a Text-Based 'Grand Theft Auto' Would Suck would suck.

10/25/2009 07:38:00 PM

LexTaliones

Wow. That was spectacularly lame. So, was the joke supposed to be " HURR GTA MUD WOULD HAVE LONG LOAD TIEM?!LOLOLOL" or was the joke supposed to be "I'll do a deadpan delivery and toss in UHhhhhh a few times". But whatever, this vid is stacked up to be another one of those " hey let's make fun of something I've no solid understanding of" Oh, now this is a video I should make. "Former MUD player who got tired of MUD bullshit and quit playing for 5 years defends MUDs."

10/24/2009 01:10:00 PM

Nineteenth

No guitar faces, it's not a parody of another instructional video, it's another funny "game guide" video by the same guys that have done all the others. But yeah, I know why it's supposed to be funny, but it's not. As far as videos go, terrible bullshit happening on screen = funny. Loading bar, even with funny audio = not that funny.

10/20/2009 04:04:00 PM

Kindahuge

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10/19/2009 04:31:00 PM

kaly76hummer

@guitarfaces: Wait, you sayin' this piece of crap is a parody of another piece of crap? It all makes sense now. lol j/k Seriously, Johnston, if this is the best parody you can do, then I've seen retards on Youtube who can do better. Step up your game, and maybe this'll be watchable.

10/19/2009 12:45:00 PM

Watchtower

The guys on ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE are always playing Grand Theft Auto! That show it so funny. Check it out Monday nights at 8:30 pm on CBS and this hilarious clip below. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYL0ZI6wHWM

10/19/2009 09:36:00 AM

erothsch

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10/18/2009 08:19:00 PM

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10/14/2009 07:00:00 PM

huangzhixian01

Once again - this is brilliant BECAUSE it's a parody of another instructional video. And it's a darn good impression at that. Keep it up man! Loved the ending on this one.

10/12/2009 07:40:00 PM

guitarfaces

This is terrible

10/12/2009 03:47:00 PM

johnnysniper

I thought it was pretty good.

10/12/2009 11:31:00 AM

dddw

I must be retarded or something, but I found this amusing.

10/12/2009 10:45:00 AM

DapperDaveIa

This is fuckin stupid... terrible

10/12/2009 10:21:00 AM

BrandonEQY

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10/12/2009 01:59:00 AM

kaly76hummer

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/12/2009 01:59:00 AM

kaly76hummer

If you think this is funny, you're a fucking retard.

10/11/2009 11:29:00 PM

redout

Godawful

10/11/2009 05:18:00 PM

QualityControl

Woeful.

10/10/2009 04:24:00 PM

feedingear

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10/10/2009 07:34:00 AM

qjgayv

...Really? One minute and thrity seconds of this?! Epic Fail.

10/09/2009 04:56:00 PM

justinwayne19

On the DOB's "Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown" scale I give it a hard "eat-it's-head-of-use-intestines-for-floss-and-feel-good-about-yourself".

10/09/2009 07:42:00 AM

radoinc

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10/09/2009 03:33:00 AM

ned123

I'm sorry but this was terrible. Why is this on cracked? There are stoners on youtube 10 times funnier than this

10/09/2009 01:06:00 AM

Geroge17

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10/08/2009 10:33:00 PM

cherry668

Just curious--who did this person have to blow in order to get this painfully unfunny POS accepted by Cracked? I usually don't post "negative" comments, but this. . . this was just so incredibly lame that I'm actually considering reforming The Weather Underground just to counter this sort of crap in the future.

10/08/2009 10:05:00 AM

mournblade

Any other obviously retarded game ideas you want to point out to us? Maybe an RTS Street Fighter? The Sims as an FPS? If you do, please include a joke that isn't "hey, wouldnt it be awful if this game exists?!" I believe you're funnier than this Mr. Johnston, I loved your analysis and adventure in hyper-linking in your Epic Movie article.

10/07/2009 11:52:00 AM

cutitdown528

These game guides started off really great. they then got progressively stupider until we arrived at this.

10/07/2009 10:24:00 AM

kingfunkster

I cannot see, for the life of me, how this could induce so much as a chuckle. If others find it funny or even outrageously hilarious, I cannot argue with that. Still, saying "Umm, you cannot do anything with this game." several times in a row is not funny. Execution is crucial in comedy. If the visuals packed anything of a punch, or if the speech was not the most boring "Umm, nothing special really. Sorry I took your time" kind of mumble, it could have been funny even with these lines. (Which did not do justice to the idea at all.) Absolutely unfunny.

10/07/2009 01:07:00 AM

i2d2

Not even worth a "meh."

10/06/2009 10:26:00 AM

boombalonga

What the fuck is wrong with you? You had a good premise here, but then instead of actually working with that premise you inekplicably changed it to "What would GTA be like if you could only buy guns and eat burgers?" which is not a good premise. As your results show. Once again, I'm going to point out the bit everyone who puts videos on Cracked seems to miss (except Gladstone and Swaim); it's not enough to come up with the premise and then just film it. You have to actually put a joke in there. Think about it for more than five seconds. Figure out why it's funny and work with that. Just throwing your first idea out there is easier, but it doesn't work.

10/06/2009 12:59:00 AM

Wallsy

Two beers later.....NOPE. Still not feeling it.

10/06/2009 12:52:00 AM

SoCalDelta

HAHA...This was funny! Or was it, Im not sure. Did I just listen to a 16 year old give me a comedic version of GTA IV? I think I did...I'm not sure what happened. Did he say "Pretty Immediately?" Yeah he did...fuck him. That combination of words just makes him a douche bag. On second thought, maybe it was funny. Let me grab about two more beers and try again...............

10/06/2009 12:52:00 AM

SoCalDelta

This sucks. You are a hack. You've done the same joke 20 times in a row and you have no other jokes. Normally I wouldn't mind but you're taking up space from what could be good articles on my favorite website. Go away.

10/05/2009 09:18:00 PM

imc440

I love the GHS series, honestly. I don't mind the different voices in each episode, its kind of like the Couch Gags in the intro of every Simpsons episode. I have noticed they seem to be getting shorter and shorter, but at least there's a solid punchline, especially in this video. Good job, looking forward to the next one.

10/05/2009 08:07:00 PM

AyteeSics

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/05/2009 05:13:00 PM

kaly76hummer

Meh. The idea had potential, but the one joke was pretty disappointing. More content = more chances for funny (obviously this rule has strict limits...).

10/05/2009 04:21:00 PM

BreathingMeat

Because GTA takes forever to load, you see.

10/05/2009 03:49:00 PM

VengeVega

Cody, your "game helpin squad" videos are hysterical. Please don't listen to the fools that don't get it. Every time I watch one of these videos I laugh "pretty immediately."

10/05/2009 03:14:00 PM

hookhoax

That was lame. Even less funny the Cedric the 'Entertainer'.

10/05/2009 02:52:00 PM

UncleTouchedMe

This video almost killed me. I couldn't stop laughing. These videos continue to be among the greatest things I can take in on this site.

10/05/2009 02:30:00 PM

Arucard04

is CBS really trolling cracked's comment sections? sad.

10/05/2009 01:36:00 PM

BobbyD84

Haha the guys on the new CBS show ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE, on Monday nights at 8:30pm, are obsessed with Grand Theft Auto! That show is hilarious. Check out this clip that just got leaked from tonight's episode. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYL0ZI6wHWM

10/05/2009 01:10:00 PM

erothsch

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10/05/2009 09:23:00 AM

qjgayv

That was pretty boring.

10/05/2009 07:36:00 AM

Doctor_Murray

lol!!! Awesome! Yeah keep it up dude your vids are funny and always awesome. Sadly I wanted to see how bad the game sucked.

10/05/2009 01:39:00 AM

ChibiLi

Same joke again?

10/04/2009 10:39:00 PM

Jackthestripper

keep up the funny vids Cody lol dont let the dumb dumbs change your style

10/04/2009 09:36:00 PM

Chaplowrevenge

I'm sure the dude who made this video will take your advice to heart, Alvin. It's not like he's already made like 8 videos for Cracked.

10/04/2009 08:55:00 PM

bearbaiter

WOw watchtower, you sound like a huuuuuuge faggot

10/04/2009 07:25:00 PM

SmartyPants

My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.

10/04/2009 07:08:00 PM

kaly76hummer

heh...nice

10/04/2009 06:46:00 PM

tank

Dude - everyone tells you only 2 things about your videos. (1) the voices suck, and (2) the funniest parts are the text. Here you thankfully use a normal voice, but you totally remove the text (i.e. the funniest part). Just get it right.

10/04/2009 05:19:00 PM

alvin

This video wasted my precious minute and a half of my completely valuable time that otherwise would have been used for spreading world peace and totally NOT masturbation. This offends me so much, my obvious reaction is to waste more precious time by writing a bitchy paragraph. This is because i am a tough internet man

10/04/2009 04:57:00 PM

Tamponicus

At the very least, I think we can all agree that we appreciate him using a regular voice again. But yeah, you had a good idea, but you should have actually shown a little game play. Personally, I like these Game Helpin Squad videos, but they are getting progressively worse. I still prefer this one to those with annoying voices. Come on, 'you can insinuate that you have a gun, but if you actually pull one out you get arrested almost immediately.' That's pretty funny.

10/04/2009 04:52:00 PM

RDean

@TheGronch I had no idea that store existed and I'd just like to say that that's amazing. I hope to one day buy a burger and a gun in the same building.

10/04/2009 04:51:00 PM

Cody Johnston

I also remember when games took forever to load, but it wasnt funny then and it definately isnt funny now. I think Cody Johnston, the general consensus is that your not funny. Now, kindly fuck off and try something else.

10/04/2009 04:47:00 PM

eaststand

WTF is this shit?

10/04/2009 04:39:00 PM

littlerudi08043

ummm?

10/04/2009 04:37:00 PM

Weezy

Back when games sucked

10/04/2009 03:39:00 PM

BIGMIKE

While I don't think anything can top the first installment in this series, I appreciated this one for two reasons. First, he kept it short and sweet. It took me a few seconds to realize that the whole joke would be that it took forever to load, then you had to read a screen full of story. Second, I'm old enough to remember it taking freakin' forever to load anything on my computer. I even remember storing games on cassette. In fact, I used to program boring games like this using BASIC. Ah, those were the days. Now you download apps and shit. Spoiled kids of today. So, funny. Now, I'm going to go look up pictures of Abbie Cornish.

10/04/2009 03:28:00 PM

HughLaurie

lol I love the game helpin' squad! This one wasn't as funny as most, but I think it was still pretty good.

10/04/2009 03:28:00 PM

RammsteinFoSho

Chuckle

10/04/2009 03:11:00 PM

Supermutant

These have gotten progressively worse and worse with each installment, and they were only slightly funny to begin with. I appreciate Cracked updating frequently and everything, but honestly, if the updates were less frequent but had funnier stuff, I'd prefer it a lot more than having lots and lots of updates that tend to mostly suck.

10/04/2009 02:17:00 PM

theguy2

oooookay.....wtf...can i get this minute and a half of my life back?

10/04/2009 01:39:00 PM

MoxNix

What is this?

10/04/2009 01:05:00 PM

wrinkledlion

Sucks. Balls.

10/04/2009 01:04:00 PM

rockordude21

@ Siwelkire: Yes, I was plannin to detroy the Jews, but I chose comic books. Maybe its an american thing, because comic books in England are strictly for children and virgins.

10/04/2009 12:46:00 PM

eaststand

I have never approved of your methods for humor. Your idea of "subtlety" is forcing people to thoroughly scan each of your vids to literally find the jokes, which should be a sin. You shouldn't force people to find the humor, because if your jokes are good enough, you don't have to be massively subtle to be funny. But now, you're not even trying anymore. Is the constant lowering of your voice supposed to be your "subtle humor"? Because I shouldn't have to blast my speakers just to hear your half-assed punchline. Was all of that stupid stuff you were rambling about supposed to be funny, because it's not. I have wasted nearly 10 minutes of my life watching this vid and then replaying it to see what was supposed to be so damn funny. And I want them back.

10/04/2009 12:45:00 PM

Watchtower

I hope whoever made this is castrated in a blender related accident. His doubtful offspring destroyed as well in the process. Slowly and painfully.

10/04/2009 12:36:00 PM

popemichael

Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to leave and give you some time. You're going to rework this into something that actually belongs on a comedy site. I'm going to come back and check it out. If it's not funny? I toss you into a pit of horny silverback gorillas known for raping humans. All male gorillas.

10/04/2009 12:00:00 PM

crackcorn

He just got really lazy this time

10/04/2009 11:39:00 AM

GamerSW

That was pretty damn funny.

10/04/2009 11:01:00 AM

ralf23

As Homer Simpson would say: "Be more funny!"

10/04/2009 10:57:00 AM

TheManPanda

The King of Clown Goombas does not approve. Prepare for my taco-infueled rage!!!! And then be eaten...

10/04/2009 10:42:00 AM

KingClownGoomba

Burgers and Guns is actually a half burger, half gun joint in Campbellsville, Kentucky. I enjoyed the video enough to google it.

10/04/2009 10:42:00 AM

TheGronch

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10/04/2009 10:31:00 AM

qjgayv

Worst one YET! Bring back the funny voices!

10/04/2009 10:28:00 AM

tekdollarsign

Eaststand vs comic books, I vote comic books I agree the video wasn't funny at all though

10/04/2009 10:27:00 AM

TrojanGold

It's funnier if you've actually played a text adventure game and Grand Theft Auto before...

10/04/2009 10:16:00 AM

Zalethon

It takes a big man to mock comic books eaststand. Why don't you pick on the handicapped or the jews next?

10/04/2009 10:05:00 AM

Siwelkire

'once again, you are all philistines, and subtlety is lost on you.' Nothing is lost on us mate, this is fucking shit. I am seriously baffled as to how this guy gets on cracked. Once again, this is FUCKING SHIT. Seriously Cracked, this website has become really shit recently. I come on here and theres articles about comic books all the time. Comic Books? Come on, we are all grown adults here, surely noones f.aggy enough to actually like comic books anymore? And then theres this guy. His first video was mildly amusing, but now its the same stupid dumb shit every time. What a brain dead 'comedian' he must be if this is best, signed off work.

10/04/2009 09:45:00 AM

eaststand

rofl, nice

10/04/2009 09:37:00 AM

Bigcock_Obama

there were text base grand theft auto games. Like Hick Quest and some Drug one on those graphing calculators way back when. Those were sometimes fun.

10/04/2009 09:27:00 AM

cautionmagnet

that seriously wasn't even a joke

10/04/2009 09:25:00 AM

PeezyTX

once again, you are all philistines, and subtlety is lost on you.

10/04/2009 08:59:00 AM

OriginalDavid

Hey! I like Josh Hallwax, but Burgers and Guns was never a good game in anyway so relax guys.

10/04/2009 08:48:00 AM

theDishNinja

Wow, your video was bad and you should feel bad.

10/04/2009 08:35:00 AM

anderfreak

lazy ...

10/04/2009 07:46:00 AM

mGolos

I think I miss white ninja.

10/04/2009 07:09:00 AM

Cockonutpete

An absolute waste of time

10/04/2009 07:04:00 AM

sugreev2001

My computer must know this sucks, since it refuses to load.

10/04/2009 06:58:00 AM

Coffee

This guy is shit. The last part earned a single "hah" but... waste of time.

10/04/2009 06:44:00 AM

Shanewire

Awww, come on! I wanted to see more!

10/04/2009 06:15:00 AM

popmaker

oh snap i really don't want a text based burger at all

10/04/2009 06:04:00 AM

prettytoney

man, are these getting lazy.

10/04/2009 05:25:00 AM

Pootah

It's just 1:30 of explaining a concept that needed no explanation. The final screen was funny... probably. For the split second it was up. "A text-based version of Grand Theft Auto Would Be Laborious." That's it, that's the joke. "Hey and then you have to type 'I accelerate towards the ramp.' And then you have to command yourself to eat." No shit. Everybody already knows that. That's what text-based games are. I have an idea, wouldn't it be funny if The Sims was text-based? Now let me explain this for a minute and a half... WHACKY!

10/04/2009 05:25:00 AM

colatf

Oh man, that last part was good.

10/04/2009 05:22:00 AM

DraconianKing

the ending forced a chuckle....nice job

10/04/2009 05:09:00 AM

wacman13891