6 'Adorable' YouTube Videos That Qualify as Child Abuse

Yeah man, Animorphs kicked ass! :D

09/22/2009 05:00:00 AM

jadedtortoise

Man, the creepy pirate had me cracking up

09/04/2009 11:56:00 PM

baronskippy

That last cussing kid nearly killed me: "He's a little fucking bitch!" "Who's a little fucking bitch?" "Batman!" LMAO

08/13/2009 03:03:00 AM

Morbida

okay #5 is fucked up

07/08/2009 12:26:00 AM

purple9haze6

There is a legit site (syphtr) that tells directors/reps about "unknown" actors - decent move for us who are still struggling, just FYI.

06/28/2009 03:54:00 PM

Elisabeth09

You make one creepy ass pirate

05/27/2009 08:36:00 PM

PS3guy20

now?

05/26/2009 06:52:00 AM

ToyboyTime

#5 and #1 were the best

05/23/2009 06:58:00 PM

mrbob360

that is my phone.the phone he was holding

05/23/2009 04:28:00 PM

melissag1921

Swaim as the pirate was the best thing Ive seen on this site

05/23/2009 04:40:00 AM

Rog

wow. i would marry you in a heartbeat.

05/20/2009 01:17:00 PM

moogirl226

LOL brilliant. Last kid was so funny.

05/03/2009 09:15:00 PM

dude2k5

I love the movies Riki-Oh AND Big Trouble in Little China. I wish to bask in your awesome, Swaim droid.

05/03/2009 11:52:00 AM

chllngr

LOL! I can't stop laughing at that last kid. "What happend to you Scholastic? You used to be cool..." Excellent.

04/02/2009 11:21:00 AM

Jediknight437

Swaim's the man! I laughed my ass off. Keep it up, budroe

03/23/2009 09:33:00 PM

geesegoose

This man is the shit

03/10/2009 03:46:00 PM

PyroX7

When does google take new photos because my rocks are in place but i cant find them on the map.

03/02/2009 03:14:00 PM

Sofa-king

Damn.. that's freaky.

02/19/2009 07:32:00 AM

RadiantDragon

Love it. Make me yours, Michael.

02/05/2009 10:49:00 AM

interstella

oh my god i laught to oblivious with the kid trying to sing... that was perfect!

02/02/2009 10:23:00 AM

Berseker

fucking hilarious

02/02/2009 06:05:00 AM

timesamillion

Animorph was the fucking shit. Good for you swaim.

01/25/2009 06:34:00 PM

dahwang12

swaim always looks sexy. i think im gonna start reading animorphs again! even better than choose your own adventure books.

01/19/2009 09:11:00 PM

Potatoechick

Animorphs was the shit.

01/05/2009 03:49:00 PM

malachi

To answer a question about the breastfeeding vid: The two girls were 4 and 8.

12/30/2008 04:14:00 PM

glaceau

swaim looks sexy here. ANIMORPHS!

12/29/2008 02:21:00 AM

kirs10

i reckon this guy looks like swaim http://blogs.indiewire.com/mattdentler/archives/returnsprejs.jpg

12/28/2008 08:34:00 PM

princesseh

political kid - be beaten

12/28/2008 06:06:00 PM

hellblade

Infl-asians! Also, everyone loves Animorphs.

12/27/2008 04:26:00 PM

PostmodernMacro

Animorphs!!!

12/27/2008 08:52:00 AM

Ice9

Fucking amazing. My favorite bits are the animorphs shoutout and the cutaways from the roseanne kid. Hilarious! Coordinates 134, 72, by the way.

12/25/2008 02:48:00 PM

follicleman

That's an Ikea knife he's holding!

12/24/2008 03:43:00 PM

iloveoptimus

What lovely horrors. ^ ^

12/24/2008 01:40:00 PM

youllforgetit

You're a robot? I f*cking knew it.

12/24/2008 01:33:00 PM

POLLY

i have to say that half-naked killer pirate was pretty beautiful

12/24/2008 12:04:00 PM

crazydaiz

I am pleased to you used a clip from Ricky Ho: The Story of Ricky, the best movie ever.

12/23/2008 08:19:00 PM

Mortal-Light

I can't stop watching this, it's brilliant. Keep up the good work.

12/23/2008 08:09:00 PM

acidballroom

now wmdkitty, i am 37 and i love the opportunity to put my mouth on boobs, why should those kids be any different...oh yeah the whole incest angle.

12/23/2008 07:42:00 PM

lordastral

best two were when u were having the phone call with the lady who kept talking about her breasts and when u were freaking out the retarded kid near the end.

12/23/2008 07:22:00 PM

RaisukeUzarachi

Extra points for Riki-Oh.

12/23/2008 06:47:00 PM

jennined

Now?

12/23/2008 05:45:00 PM

Crzy8s

Those kids who were breastfeeding were *how old*? Anything past one year, and that's just icky. Made me throw up in my mouth!

12/23/2008 04:17:00 PM

wmdkitty

Great stuff!

12/23/2008 03:53:00 PM

Jazzy

@ QueenSativa - Yes.

12/23/2008 02:53:00 PM

luckylostie

Swaim, you are awesome. Please have my babies.

12/23/2008 02:04:00 PM

Haedrian

made my day

12/23/2008 01:32:00 PM

yamum

I laughed quite a bit. Good show.

12/23/2008 11:41:00 AM

Dax

i want to give that little political prick a beating.

12/23/2008 10:31:00 AM

diposablechild

The breastfeeding one does weird me out (and I nursed my son for over a year). I know of one woman here in Savannah who is still nursing her 9 year old daughter. My girlfriends and I gave a collective "GAH" shudder when we found out. Is this our cultural conditioning? Or is there a biological reason for our disgust? Seeing it on the video made my brain scream, "NO! Hey! Jesus Lady what the FUCK?!"

12/23/2008 10:23:00 AM

greengoddess

That clip of the boy hitting his forehead and going "fuck" was taken out of context. His parents told him to say "OH TRUCK" and caught on video his cute (and inadvertently obscene) mispronunciation. Incidentally, I knew another kid with the exact same problem with TRUCK/FUCK when I was little.

12/23/2008 09:44:00 AM

kvinnan86

Excellent. I think those cockheads from the abismal net-work can pretty much cry themselves to sleep knowing they've just been given a lesson on how to do this shit. Great work. More please!

12/23/2008 05:43:00 AM

echocharlie

I am almost tempted to write out something in boulders purely because I figure if I went to all that effort you'd have to at least mention it next week. Almost tempted. I think I'll just spam Gladstone on Facebook instead.

12/23/2008 05:40:00 AM

mj89

I laughed a lot but when he licked the knife I lost it. Too funny man.

12/23/2008 03:40:00 AM

TripMaverick

Nice flip phone Swaim.* *To be read with a highly sarcastic inflection.

12/23/2008 01:13:00 AM

Jasontheperson

First of all, how was the breastfeeding thing not number one? Second of all, did anyone else become aroused by Swaim the Pirate?

12/23/2008 12:56:00 AM

QueenSativa

Aww man, the breast feeding was almost too much, I cringed internally and externally.

12/23/2008 12:37:00 AM

jonig84

i don't miss gladstone anymore. thank YOU, michael swaim.

12/22/2008 11:39:00 PM

exploding_girl

This has become the highlight of cracked.com for me; Swaim you are a funny man

12/22/2008 11:36:00 PM

theaccount77

Brilliant!!!!

12/22/2008 10:50:00 PM

Vertuan

Animorphs are shit.

12/22/2008 10:25:00 PM

Vankook

Swaim, I injured my jaw laughing at the last part. TEACH ME

12/22/2008 10:14:00 PM

CoMa7oSe

You should know, Swaim, the vids you picked are so disturbing I feel a bit slimy for having laughed at your commentary. And I don't mean that as an insult.

12/22/2008 09:09:00 PM

Sylocat

want to help someone down on there luck?http://www.digitalcharity.com/m.php?id=53454

12/22/2008 09:02:00 PM

jimbob2346

The Animorphs thing made spit out the Monster I was drinking.

12/22/2008 08:49:00 PM

robostapler

Omg that was brilliant

12/22/2008 08:43:00 PM

trance.stimuli

acidpulp, this is funnier than Gladstone's stuff

12/22/2008 08:39:00 PM

queenbananas

I strongly approve of any video that contains an Animorphs reference. Plus it was funny and stuff too.

12/22/2008 07:42:00 PM

Firebird

Nice! Strong edit & writing. T'was the eyepatch that sold me on you Swaim. I am now a fan.

12/22/2008 07:03:00 PM

beef-Rojo

I agree, Syph. There's something incredibly alluring about Swaim's steadfast refusal to blink.

12/22/2008 06:57:00 PM

Dierdre

Swaim is one sexy pirate.

12/22/2008 05:44:00 PM

Syph

"Hey boys and girls, you wanna have some fun?" Bible and swearing stuff ruled.

12/22/2008 05:41:00 PM

jjmmtt

lol!! i used to work for the scholastic kids press corp.s lol

12/22/2008 05:24:00 PM

mindmatter

...I love you.

12/22/2008 05:14:00 PM

Kase

Fuck, three times.

12/22/2008 05:08:00 PM

glendoor42

It was so scary I had to say it twice and I meant licking, dammit.

12/22/2008 05:06:00 PM

glendoor42

That gay pirate liking the knife was scary as shit. Is that Mr.Clean's boyfriend?

12/22/2008 05:05:00 PM

glendoor42

That gay pirate liking the knife was scary as shit. Is that Mr.Clean's boyfriend?

12/22/2008 05:05:00 PM

glendoor42

That gay pirate liking the knife was scary as shit. Is that Mr.Clean's boyfriend?

12/22/2008 05:05:00 PM

glendoor42

I just wish this was as funny as Gladstone's stuff.

12/22/2008 04:47:00 PM

theacidpulp

Eyepatch ftw ;D

12/22/2008 04:45:00 PM

Plaidrabbit

Once again, comic GOLD

12/22/2008 04:22:00 PM

pezcutie

Dear Swaim, please marry me.

12/22/2008 04:01:00 PM

snakes.are.lame

Heh, this really cheered me up! The knife-licking scene will haunt my nightmares tonight, though...brilliant as ever, Swaim.

12/22/2008 03:02:00 PM

captain_cranky

Animorphs?!

12/22/2008 02:58:00 PM

redx190

What about making kids do the scary maze game? Oh wait, that's more like a right of passage to show kids they can't trust their parents. Nevermind.

12/22/2008 02:57:00 PM

Whambulance

Animorphs FTW

12/22/2008 02:57:00 PM

Hacksaw_Highway

your thing with the eyepatch was the funniest thing i've seen this month, and i've been here every day.

12/22/2008 02:45:00 PM

ragnarqk

Now?

12/22/2008 02:35:00 PM

POLLY

Swaim, how long are you going to be able to come up with acronyms for SWAIM? You've got to be running out soon. In other news, I'm not the only person who uses the word "fagmuffin."

12/22/2008 02:24:00 PM

DP13

Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

12/22/2008 01:50:00 PM

Disfigurine

Next time, make a warning to keep the volume down while children are around... God I hop I don't lose my babysitting job over this...

12/22/2008 01:15:00 PM

Mioko

Very, Very Funny. I love how kids say "motherfuker" like they are all bad ass. And all the little 3 year olds with 19 year old mom singing. Very cute

12/22/2008 01:01:00 PM

articdragone

oh, the hilarity

12/22/2008 12:34:00 PM

justinfrost

Hah! Animorphs. Fucking A Swaim. Fucking A.

12/22/2008 12:06:00 PM

ShameSpear

the knife licking made me laugh for 10 minutes straight. Thank you. "like, now? now now?"

12/22/2008 11:51:00 AM

camindavewtf

I believe we are missing the most horrible child abuse moment. The kid who was given an xbox box for christmas. i think there were clothes in it.

12/22/2008 11:42:00 AM

saturnine

Those poor breastfed kids are gonna be so traumatized when they find out no one else gets booby milk past the age of 1. Very funny.

12/22/2008 11:07:00 AM

cmgrace

Someone please think of the children!

12/22/2008 10:52:00 AM

Carlambor

Can I post my comment now? Now? Start right now? Funny stuff Mr. Swaim.

12/22/2008 10:51:00 AM

BobbyD84

Animorphs reference FTW!

12/22/2008 10:47:00 AM

gydorack

1. This episode inspired me. I'm going to teach my darling toddler to say, "Fuck off, Shitmonkey!" whenever he doesn't understand something an adult says. 2. Swaim Hostdroid: Are you fully functional? 3. You and Clippie didn't have very much chemistry in this one. Are you two going through something right now?

12/22/2008 10:40:00 AM

greengoddess

Swaim, you're the first male I've ever seen using a Juke...but that means we're on the same network! INCalling plan, yo! Hit me up on the celly, Swaim.

12/22/2008 10:39:00 AM

12pack

i love how the kid says that he interviewed the late tim russert before he died. who's doing the posthumous catch-up show?

12/22/2008 10:16:00 AM

shamille

Swaim, YOUR adorable...Your ability to search YouTube is unparalled...*Mwah*

12/22/2008 10:06:00 AM

DirtyJerz

Animorphs reference!

12/22/2008 09:57:00 AM

MonsterJen

Brilliant stuff. Swaim 2012

12/22/2008 09:44:00 AM

AtxAxLoss

Oh man, I lol'd hard.

12/22/2008 09:32:00 AM

radula

To me, this was the best CrackedTV episode out of all of them. Well done SWAIM. OK, I actually almost misspelled that and put SWAMI. Ny bad. But it was good.

12/22/2008 09:23:00 AM

kingb408

great episode

12/22/2008 09:18:00 AM

CharminUltra

The kids swearing videos are simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.

12/22/2008 09:09:00 AM

Res_Ipsa

@Swaimfan I think you meant: "Want to know" not "What to know". Stupid bitch learn how to spell! :)

12/22/2008 09:08:00 AM

Slightly_sane

I stepped in wuzzman16's shit... jerk!

12/22/2008 09:07:00 AM

Onodera

#5 ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! *pukes mightily on the keyboard*

12/22/2008 08:58:00 AM

Viergacht

Obviously I meant "want to know", not "what to know". I know you all knew that, but I also knew that you would have pounced on it anyway. You'd have loved that. Well, I've got in there first with a clarification, so you can kiss that sweet sweet ridicule goodbye. You're all filth.

12/22/2008 08:58:00 AM

Swaimfan

Brilliant as always. What to know something? You are the reason I picked the name Swaimfan.

12/22/2008 08:50:00 AM

Swaimfan

That knife-lick is the hottest thing I've seen all day.

12/22/2008 08:34:00 AM

luckylostie

i lost my shit on number 1. Excellent!

12/22/2008 08:24:00 AM

wuzzman16

I laughed my ass off on number 1. Swaim, I may find you pretentious and whiny in text, but in vid format you are simply stunning. Utter brilliance.

12/22/2008 08:19:00 AM

Brainsurgery

Loved it! Great work!

12/22/2008 08:12:00 AM

Progman3K

Good stuff there. Number 1 was awesome hahaha

12/22/2008 08:02:00 AM

RedCricket

haha...kids are stupid...

12/22/2008 07:38:00 AM

tank

*high five*

12/22/2008 07:36:00 AM

Bonegina

AAAH swaim you're the perfect amount of funny.

12/22/2008 07:34:00 AM

Larwick

Swaim is the man. The end.

12/22/2008 07:28:00 AM

DoyleRules

Great one. SWAIM kicks ass.

12/22/2008 07:24:00 AM

CatJumpJohn

Why am i confused about the purpose of this film it was confusingly amusing nonetheless

12/22/2008 07:18:00 AM

chillage

LOL, good ones dude, well done! jess www.internet-anonymity.net.tc

12/22/2008 07:13:00 AM

AbleBobby

nicely done. S.W.A.I.M is my robot hero.

12/22/2008 06:58:00 AM

killfac3

Swaim/DOB for 2012!

12/22/2008 06:53:00 AM

hatmanz

All of a sudden I feel obliged to have about a dozen kids, to even up the balance a bit. Please tell me the parents of these kids are the exception and not the rule?! There really is no hope for humanity.

12/22/2008 06:49:00 AM