5 Things You Shouldn't Be Able to Buy on eBay

Guess how many speeds Swaim's dick has!

When not giving guided tours of eBay's nether-world, Michael is the head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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Michael Swaim Producer Abe Epperson Cinematographer

163 Comments

Recent Votes | Show Profanity
  1. me25

    • +1

    My system: Watch a video. Miss the the automatic countdown. Go back to the video I was watching so that I can find the link to the video I had already decided I want to watch. Complain about it in the comments. Rinse and repeat.

    Reply
  2. FugFugFug

    • -1

    glad to see that cracked and cracked readers are into incest pornography

    Reply
  3. J242

    • 0

    Wow, using the old Star Trek Experience from the Las Vegas Hilton as your backdrop? Kind of cool, but kind of lame at the same time.

    Reply
  4. Sev Squad

    • 0

    wait? at 1:16, was that DOB?

    Reply
    1. SOCOM

      • +3

      Yup. "All the Moves of a ninja, all the motives of a sex offender." Robert Brockway on DOB

  5. youpoz

    • -2

    you know what i learned from POZ-Dating[.]Com? just be positive and keep hope. Like somebody said, "Life ain't a b**ch, life is a beautiful woman. You just call her a b**ch because she don't give you that pu**y. . . maybe you're just an a**hole. . ."

    Reply
  6. BISlover4412

    • 0

    Couldn't tell who was who, but still hilarious!

    Reply
  7. YoungBrave

    • 0

    Did DOB really auction off the rights for a tattoo on his dong? Did he get that tattoo? Who won the auction?

    Reply
  8. noideawhy

    • +3

    Oh s**t, it appears I am currently attending Penis Business College seeing as that picture is my business school (that's Fisher). I just now realized I can specialize in Phallus Resources and Marketing Penis Management.

    Reply
  9. Jpearson

    • 0

    That was great man, I loved it! but seriously, pick a haircut.

    Reply
  10. Koala

    • 0

    I just now noticed the picture of DOB at 1:18 nice Swaim, very nice.

    Reply
  11. granny69

    • +1

    single women against insane murderers :)

    Reply
  12. DipSpaceChicken

    • 0

    ahaha That makes two of us lonemoose34! Keep it up Swaim!

    Reply

    • 0

    swaim rules (the land with an iron fist)

    Reply
    1. Necroskull

      • 0

      It's more like aluminum.With a fleshy exterior.
      ...
      FEAR THE NAME OF MICHAEL SWAIM!

  14. pattrick

    • 0

    lmaooo another great video from SWAIM

    Reply
  15. lonemoose34

    • 0

    holy shit!! i have that porn clip. it's one of my fall backs.
    also, a few years ago i found an ebay ad for a guy who would fly out to your house, have you provide room and board, and then punch you in the face.

    Reply
  16. Major-Pedro

    • +1

    I lol'd so hard a trickle of blood ran out of my nose. Then I woke up like an hour later with all these weird symbols carved into my arm.
    And there was this head in my fridge.

    Reply
  17. MatthiasJames

    • +1

    I would guess 25 to 26 different speeds

    Reply
  18. Elisabeth09

    • -1

    There is a legit site (syphtr) that tells directors/reps
    about "unknown" actors - decent move for us who are still struggling, just FYI.

    Reply
  19. MikeLiterous

    • 0

    haha

    Reply
  20. jer676

    • 0

    Thanks now I have to kill the next dread wearing beatboxer I see and god forbid he say the words footlocker.

    Reply
Deep underground, government scientists have finally created S.W.A.I.M., a perfect android nearly indistinguishable from man (unless you count that his feet are metal claws). Then they gave him a five-minute web show to talk about dumb stuff he finds on the internet! Hurry up and watch the episodes before they put this technological wonder to work on less stupid forms of evil.

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