5 Things You Shouldn't Be Able to Buy on eBay

The guys on the new CBS show ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE buy the most random shit of eBay. Check out the new CBS sitcom on Monday nights at 8:30 pm. Here a clip that just got leaked from tonight's episode. Hilarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYL0ZI6wHWM

10/05/2009 01:17:00 PM

erothsch

My friend recommended me a very interesting place ________ WealthySeeker.com _________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what's the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy. --__--

09/02/2009 07:35:00 PM

CasperMJ

single women against insane murderers :)

08/27/2009 08:05:00 PM

granny69

ahaha That makes two of us lonemoose34! Keep it up Swaim!

08/24/2009 03:59:00 PM

DipSpaceChicken

2 words... Candy Bra... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmlFd7XRtkM&feature=channel Use it for your next 'Worst Amature Music Vids' segment...

08/19/2009 06:55:00 AM

Paulann

swaim rules (the land with an iron fist)

08/08/2009 10:30:00 AM

isipisi

lmaooo another great video from SWAIM

07/28/2009 05:22:00 PM

pattrick

holy shit!! i have that porn clip. it's one of my fall backs. also, a few years ago i found an ebay ad for a guy who would fly out to your house, have you provide room and board, and then punch you in the face.

07/27/2009 09:54:00 PM

lonemoose34

I lol'd so hard a trickle of blood ran out of my nose. Then I woke up like an hour later with all these weird symbols carved into my arm. And there was this head in my fridge.

07/15/2009 03:54:00 AM

Major-Pedro

I laughed so freaking much, but that might be mild delirium from being so goddam tired. I cant go to bed. I must continue scouring this site like a headlice comb...

07/02/2009 09:41:00 AM

FuckingInsomnia

I would guess 25 to 26 different speeds

06/29/2009 09:43:00 PM

MatthiasJames

There is a legit site (syphtr) that tells directors/reps about "unknown" actors - decent move for us who are still struggling, just FYI.

06/28/2009 03:52:00 PM

Elisabeth09

haha

06/23/2009 06:25:00 PM

MikeLiterous

Thanks now I have to kill the next dread wearing beatboxer I see and god forbid he say the words footlocker.

06/07/2009 10:20:00 AM

jer676

I was literally JUST watching that first porn clip before i watched this. What are the odds

05/28/2009 03:14:00 AM

juju69

you r awsome

05/23/2009 04:37:00 PM

melissag1921

Well it kinda looks like a ghost- oh snap er-something like that. The point is it was funny, just take the compliment!

05/22/2009 10:56:00 PM

Chickamauga

see you tuesday michael ;)

05/20/2009 01:25:00 PM

moogirl226

Did anyone else notice that the pic of the penis advertisment was DOB?

05/18/2009 05:46:00 PM

1000bpm

haha so funny

03/21/2009 04:13:00 AM

reckless_wreck

Win for the reference to the pancake rabbit

03/14/2009 05:26:00 PM

Sonicsceam2

yeah that's SWAIM, I want to be a robot too -Hoff_fan

03/11/2009 08:17:00 PM

homerpower

SWAIN is awesome

03/11/2009 08:15:00 PM

homerpower

"BTW, what's the setting right below Prison Rape? I think I'd prefer that one (I like to start things off slow)." most likely regular rape. Or the equivalent. then beneath that its rape under the influence of alcohol, clumsy, but still illegal.

03/09/2009 07:49:00 AM

RandyChimp

pretty sure you put number 4! up twice. I shall watch again to see.

03/08/2009 08:53:00 PM

ginganinja

Am I wrong or is that Dan O'Brien at 1:17 aka the penis tattoo guy?

02/03/2009 10:40:00 PM

GrizzledBastard

Easily your best vid, ever!!! BTW, what's the setting right below Prison Rape? I think I'd prefer that one (I like to start things off slow).

01/30/2009 03:23:00 PM

Zenobia

Swaim, please, marry me, even though you bear an uncanny resemblance to my eldest brother. I would have bought those tic-tacs....[/stalker]

01/24/2009 07:28:00 AM

kitourahime

How do I enroll in the Penis Business School?

01/23/2009 09:24:00 AM

blue_starlights

I guess that only 7 people have actually seen Hoff_Fan's profile. Maybe this video created him, or I am a lifeless bastard who actually looked that up.

01/16/2009 09:49:00 PM

cully

oy, I've watched that porno from start to "finish"

01/04/2009 08:43:00 PM

gammyganja

ok i really want to invest in this whole robotic penis ordeal. where can i get one? can i get more than 9 speeds? does it make masturbation unsatisfying and horrifyingly dangerous? should i be asking these questions to the teen genius?

01/04/2009 01:12:00 PM

Toad

lmao. It's very solid. Love it.

01/01/2009 09:43:00 PM

mhenke10

that was cool, last one was great.

12/22/2008 07:07:00 PM

Fadelio22

That steppy edge along the face is a green screen artifact. Most cameras have a lower-resolution Green channel so you get those blocks when attempting green screen. Apply a Color Smoothing filter in Final Cut before the keyer. Or shoot on Red.

12/19/2008 05:14:00 PM

ghostlight

Give me time to catch my breath!! A virtuoso is an understatement...

12/16/2008 03:32:00 AM

bob1275

haha this is awesome!

12/15/2008 05:03:00 AM

mandysparky

great video! it's funny that the one thing I notice is that the "penis business college" is osu's fisher school of business. I did a double take cause I walk by the damn place everyday.

12/14/2008 05:51:00 PM

avione

nice nada surf song at the end. this was both a good video and a damn fine song to close out on.

12/14/2008 01:03:00 PM

uncle-son

Great clip. I'm going to watch out for videos by you from now on, Swaim. It might help the crushing depression I've been in since HBN was cancelled.

12/14/2008 12:10:00 PM

mc_ezeemac

Your hair looks different. I like it! (I'm totally free on Tuesdays) Another great vid. Except you woke up my cat with that ending. Shame on you!

12/13/2008 07:31:00 PM

mj89

Hey, was that Taboo?

12/13/2008 03:21:00 PM

kingmonkey

@grayareas: The clip is from one of the "Taboo movie" series! Wich one I don�t know... It's a fetish porno unlike others... about... well... "Love in the family"...

12/13/2008 05:16:00 AM

mahnamahna

lol, prison rape. Its funny because it might be true!

12/12/2008 06:26:00 PM

RandyChimp

5...4...4...2...1 Nice counting Mike...

12/12/2008 11:51:00 AM

jayron32

@grayareas By writing "I was curious" are we to assume that after watching this video that you googled "man has sex with woman in blue skirt?" Because that was the only clue given as to what porno flick that was. Somehow I don't believe that you found that video that easily. Maybe you possess god-like porn searching capabilities though?

12/11/2008 05:56:00 PM

Jerryinapouch04

I had no idea Michael Swaim was hot. Until now.

12/11/2008 03:14:00 PM

leea246

Swiam, you are a fucking genius! I laughed so hard, I almost pooped.

12/10/2008 06:41:00 PM

LexTaliones

Nobody bid on my "Oh" faced Cheerios.

12/10/2008 08:50:00 AM

Onodera

You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,****** U k w e a l t h y m e n.com--- ********** , where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.

12/10/2008 05:30:00 AM

alicehuang007

Want to set up a dating site at no cost and earn much money at home? Then email me jim4partners@yahoo.com or chat with me on yahoo messenger jim4partners.

12/09/2008 11:48:00 PM

jim4partners

haha that porn clip is actually from an incest flick. kid fucks his aunt's friend, then his aunt. I was curious. don't judge me.

12/09/2008 09:17:00 PM

grayareas

The timing is spot-on. The stain is spot-off.

12/09/2008 06:08:00 PM

Junktoucher

"Some third thing" was my favorite joke. Nice. I'm going to have to watch this one a few more times. I missed the captions because I was laughing.

12/09/2008 05:57:00 PM

greengoddess

Swaim has a 10 speed dick.

12/09/2008 05:06:00 PM

fuckyoucracked

What was the "some third thing"? I even rewound and paused the video, but I still couldn't make it out. Otherwise, this video was funny enough that I can forgive your innumeracy.

12/09/2008 05:05:00 PM

Pedgerow

yeah nice video but you still don't know how to count.

12/09/2008 02:43:00 PM

lime

i think i love s.w.a.i.m. does that make me some sort of robot-loving pervert?

12/09/2008 12:08:00 PM

AceInTheHole

oh, you have stolen my heart. and maybe some of my soul.

12/09/2008 11:05:00 AM

rabidpsychosis

Gladstone outshines this shit anyday

12/09/2008 11:05:00 AM

AW_Smith

The worse thing is, I saw that porno. >< Awesome Vid

12/09/2008 06:28:00 AM

Mynners

SWAIM ep. 2 is still my favorite, but I'm delighted that this solid episode got the attention it deserved. Congrats.

12/09/2008 05:32:00 AM

G-Stone

Wow, absolutely my favourite episode yet.

12/09/2008 04:00:00 AM

Anzi

learn to count

12/09/2008 01:56:00 AM

gamma_ray

Ha. clipy, from "Private Teacher". wow, I should leave the internet and get a life. Don't worry cracked, it's not you, it's me. I will always come back for your witty top 5 or 7, or some oddly numbered list of things that have to be made fun of.

12/09/2008 01:12:00 AM

kashmirxincx

Great work. A little bit of pee came out when you said, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

12/09/2008 12:16:00 AM

echocharlie

Dear Micheal Swaim Please Marry me.

12/08/2008 11:12:00 PM

Kalynriot

I lulz'd moar than usual. Keep it up.

12/08/2008 09:52:00 PM

BinaryRelic

hahaha... the articles should come in this form now. srs.

12/08/2008 09:06:00 PM

exploding_girl

Not your best effort Swaim, but still miles ahead of most of the videos on this site. :-)

12/08/2008 07:58:00 PM

Wallsy

I lol'd because I knew that porno.

12/08/2008 07:37:00 PM

interflop

I absolutely loved this one. The captions pretty much made my entire classroom think I had issues.

12/08/2008 07:03:00 PM

Ebil

I like.

12/08/2008 06:54:00 PM

lux

Best one yet from Swaim.

12/08/2008 06:31:00 PM

Parsat

I would like your Tictacs, please.

12/08/2008 06:16:00 PM

Tartra

how about for your next topic, you do the 5 stupidest suggestions offered up to cracked by viewers.

12/08/2008 05:50:00 PM

samdamndietz

"first off, it must be a logo he doesnt find immoral. YOU'RE TATTOING YOUR DICK FOR MONEY, SIR" omg i dont think i have ever laughed so hard in my life.

12/08/2008 05:47:00 PM

thaballgazer

This is good stuff, but I still miss hate by numbers...

12/08/2008 05:46:00 PM

321liftoff

By far the best video yet.

12/08/2008 05:02:00 PM

Georgery

"No one wants to tattoo your glans, crybaby." "...from smooth sailing to prison rape." You magnificent bastard.

12/08/2008 04:37:00 PM

Candybeans

did anyone else notice that he has two number fours?

12/08/2008 04:34:00 PM

cartoonist

Omg i played that dice game (from the bag) when i was younger. I didn't have anyone to play it with though...

12/08/2008 04:34:00 PM

Larwick

mmm swaim-y! hilarious!

12/08/2008 03:50:00 PM

punkywaffle

somehow that video made me think of a command and conquer cutscene, i think it's the pauses or something.

12/08/2008 03:43:00 PM

dentistguba

I agree with tulipsniper.

12/08/2008 03:37:00 PM

Coffee

Damn this is Awesome. Well done Swaim

12/08/2008 03:34:00 PM

Imonarollagay

Swaim's dick became self-aware on Jan. 23, 2011.

12/08/2008 03:33:00 PM

MrTweek

swaim great as ever

12/08/2008 03:04:00 PM

vincentius

funniest yet

12/08/2008 02:44:00 PM

justinfrost

Swaim, where have you been. You've should of had a show long ago.

12/08/2008 02:44:00 PM

NO_ONe21

kk that was AWESOME! ''WHY SHOULD I PAY FOR A SERVICE MY FAMILY PROVIDES FOR FREE'' hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha i even register for this my rating: FUCKING BRILLIANT GIEF MORE!!!!

12/08/2008 02:41:00 PM

septicx

I concur with everybody. Very funny. And all this penis talk reminded me of the old joke about the rasta dude who appeared to have WENDY tattooed on his member, however, once fully engorged actually read WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON. HAVE A NICE DAY. Shoots..

12/08/2008 02:25:00 PM

josie

thanks, I needed a good laugh

12/08/2008 02:18:00 PM

zyryx

I think clippy stole the show from you a bit =D he's a very talented co-host

12/08/2008 02:10:00 PM

God?

That's was pretty damn funny, Swaim. Good show!

12/08/2008 02:02:00 PM

SickBoy

All around funniest thing you've done in a while. By the way, I've got your Mom's back, not like she needs it. She'd whip your ass.

12/08/2008 02:00:00 PM

glendoor42

Me lika de swain. More funny den dat carrot top guy, eh?

12/08/2008 01:49:00 PM

Fershr

I knew I should have sold that porkchop that looked like Elvis having an orgasm on ebay.

12/08/2008 01:48:00 PM

drake21734

I really enjoy all the Swaim videos but, Come On! There's no way in Hell that wasn't a toupee.

12/08/2008 01:34:00 PM

dontbugme3

No better way to procrastinate on studying for finals... Thanks Swaim!

12/08/2008 01:26:00 PM

Mariella

actually, swaim is the funniest guy ever. love the videos, lol!

12/08/2008 01:12:00 PM

jilinka

lol. nice hair.

12/08/2008 12:56:00 PM

articdragone

Awesome job, Swaimie (can I call you that? I'm gonna anyways). Btw, the orgasm spell works. They tested it on chimps and hamsters prior to posting the eBay auction.

12/08/2008 12:52:00 PM

Blackrifice

I love you Mr. Swaim. You look cuter and cuter in each episode. I love your humor and presentation. If I was a man, I'd have a huge man-crush on you.

12/08/2008 12:46:00 PM

Shana F

This video was so fantastic that I have no amusing nickname for you today, Swaim. I'm just going to sigh happily in your general direction.

12/08/2008 12:45:00 PM

tulipsniper

As always, flawless comedic timing. Anyone who helps produce this show is hereby invited to touch my penis. Especially Clippy.

12/08/2008 12:42:00 PM

Jeebs

haha that was great ..and the guy in the porn clip was waayy sexy ;)

12/08/2008 12:38:00 PM

timesamillion

I love you

12/08/2008 12:03:00 PM

lazerpointer

wow... do people actually buy that crap? Cause, I mean, I could be a multi-millionaire.

12/08/2008 11:59:00 AM

yoursidewalk

SWAIM is da shitttt!!!!!

12/08/2008 11:40:00 AM

deaved_wrath

Swaim, I've said it before, but I'll go ahead and mention it again because of your 9 penis settings. I WANT YOUR BABIES.

12/08/2008 11:38:00 AM

MoonMilk

lol s.w.a.i.m.

12/08/2008 11:29:00 AM

rle3113

Michael, will you be my friend?

12/08/2008 11:26:00 AM

Cirtur

LOL, Gotta love EBay. too funny! jess www.online-privacy.se.tc

12/08/2008 10:57:00 AM

AbleBobby

I don't believe your penis has 9 speeds...prove it!

12/08/2008 10:51:00 AM

Meg22

Mr. Swaim, you're the President of Awesome.

12/08/2008 10:40:00 AM

rsfa131286

Class A stuff, kid.

12/08/2008 10:39:00 AM

Rrinman

This one is the best so far, Swaim. I love the little asides and comments to yourself--wonderfully timed. Keep up the great work.

12/08/2008 10:38:00 AM

12pack

This is actually funny. I can't believe I'm saying that about a video on this site...my world no longer makes sense.

12/08/2008 10:32:00 AM

strongbadia7

Swaim is so badass he counted 5,4,4... and he doesn't give a shit.

12/08/2008 10:30:00 AM

nova_NIN

I tried to use the porn dialog "I love fucking more than anything!" at the end, but it didn't fit in the time alloted. And wow, a lot of people recognized a one second clip of pornography.

12/08/2008 10:27:00 AM

MichaelSwaim

Swaim, you are a legend

12/08/2008 10:11:00 AM

mothbro

Awesome, I want the E.T. potato for real.

12/08/2008 10:10:00 AM

Starchest

I'm ashamed to admit, but I also recognized that porn clip... You can search for it on youporn... That's all i'm gonna say.

12/08/2008 09:43:00 AM

HerrBlod

Before anyone asks, the "I'll tattoo something on my penis" bidding is closed. The winner is deciding between a true-to-life representation of a thirteen and a half inch ruler and a word for word copy of the Declaration of Independence. (Good episode, Walk of Swaim.)

12/08/2008 09:30:00 AM

daniel.

fantastic show. and about that clip that everyone recognized after 3 seconds...what the fuck? that's all there is to say.

12/08/2008 09:29:00 AM

dan0607

Fantastic show.

12/08/2008 09:22:00 AM

Sara_no_h

" -Go back to sleep Jimmy, -Whats going on Aunt Diane? -You are getting your cock sucked kid." Good porn gentlemen...good porn...

12/08/2008 09:22:00 AM

Cockonutpete

Hilarious, you never let me down. Now... about that 9 speeds thing...

12/08/2008 09:05:00 AM

QueenSativa

This was great

12/08/2008 09:00:00 AM

CharminUltra

I think its emberassing for Cracked that its commenters are all such experts in random porn clips.

12/08/2008 08:51:00 AM

chillage

i recognized it too, immediately

12/08/2008 08:13:00 AM

ragnarqk

I recognize that first clip of porn. The story is the woman is his aunt. Seriously.

12/08/2008 08:09:00 AM

chickenlips

Oh Swaim, you rock us once again. Now about that penis... 9 settings you say

12/08/2008 08:04:00 AM

Savean

What? The first to offer self for testimonial (moanial) that his dick really does have nine speeds? Guess the bad pun ruins my chances though.

12/08/2008 07:46:00 AM

YellowPages

Way,way better than Hate By Numbers

12/08/2008 07:42:00 AM

johnnyz4282

Also, Arkard, that clip was from "Private Teacher," not one of the Taboo movies! God, get your porn right!

12/08/2008 07:40:00 AM

hulk67851

You keep showing clips of hardcore pornography, and you got yourself a winning show! Also, your countdown went: 5, 4, 4, 2, 1. What the fuck happened to the three?

12/08/2008 07:37:00 AM

hulk67851

Wonderful work, as usual.

12/08/2008 07:37:00 AM

LanceUppercut

Anything that wiccan-bashes gets my digg. Beautiful.

12/08/2008 07:17:00 AM

staker2

good show over all funny

12/08/2008 07:02:00 AM

xolta

best episode ever! there, I said it. that wasn't so bad.

12/08/2008 06:58:00 AM

Gregoclock

Pretty classic, Swaim. Pretty classic.

12/08/2008 06:57:00 AM

Razok

Oh right, isn't that the dude and his mom? Not that I know, of course. Why would I? Very silly. Hey, at least I didn't call it out on sight. Once clips of hardcore pornography are as recognizable to me as the opening licks of a Stones song, I'll admit I have a problem

12/08/2008 06:54:00 AM

TheGreenSaga

One more try... Suicidal Women Are Interesting to Me

12/08/2008 06:52:00 AM

gatorboymike

Haha, me = Fail!

12/08/2008 06:45:00 AM

gatorboymike

Sweaty Woodchucks Instigating Angst en Masse

12/08/2008 06:44:00 AM

gatorboymike

Why... did you chose a porn clip from the Taboo series?

12/08/2008 06:41:00 AM

Arkard

GreenPeace, I would totally agree with you, except I don't. In the spirit of your "never give 'em an inch" style of compliments, I commend Swaim for this brilliantly funny video- in sharp contrast, of course, to having shit in my ear or being forced to sleep inside a tauntaun. No, really, great job, as usual

12/08/2008 06:37:00 AM

TheGreenSaga

Brilliance!

12/08/2008 06:31:00 AM

Distractedone

10 fingers out of 10! wait...11 fingers out of 10!

12/08/2008 06:24:00 AM

Samo

Great job. Usually you're not so funny. This bit was, however, brilliant. I look forward for more.

12/08/2008 05:46:00 AM

Green Peace

I wasn't dissing the Swaim, in case my first comment was misconstrued. I think this video is worth watching more than once. But "clips of hardcore pornography" will never replace Gladstone.

12/08/2008 05:37:00 AM