15 Attractive Girls In My Life Who Will Never Sleep With Me

This is pure genius!

10/26/2009 05:25:00 AM

svc

I have a number 9, who is also a number 6. It's annoying. I am a WasteyMcLife though, not exactly helping... :P

10/26/2009 04:44:00 AM

upsetGoldfish

Maybe if you had more money, most girls will do anything for money. Want some? myefusjon.com/buildadream

06/11/2009 08:57:00 AM

turkeyonrye

DDD= I'll sleep with you! ...do you like petite goths?

06/08/2009 08:53:00 PM

kitourahime

Finally! A video that merges Cracked with Zero Punctuation...

06/04/2009 05:25:00 AM

DHeadshot

wow Nyxi, please stfu and why would girlfriends automatically go gay for you? check your ego at the door...

05/01/2009 01:13:00 AM

postmanjoe

from now on, we LGBT have our own zone---seekbi.com. This is the first and largest platform for us. Do not forget to join it. WOW WOW WOW, it's free!!Come on!!

04/02/2009 12:36:00 AM

fulllovegirl

Lmao the "they all look like Helen of fucking Troy" bit cracked me up. Hey, cracked me up, cracked... I only just go that...

03/31/2009 06:37:00 AM

Wic76

I have a feeling Nxyi is a number 10...

02/10/2009 10:50:00 AM

csturges

Don't give up! This sounds exactly like my boyfriend before he got me. I'm number nine, the one you meet over the internet so yeah... Awesome video, I like it very much.

01/29/2009 04:44:00 PM

saratonin

how narrow minded/bitchy/unhumourous can u actually be to not like this video

12/27/2008 05:10:00 PM

matthew0820

:) it's adorable

12/07/2008 07:59:00 PM

Normuh

Nyxi, he said ATTRACTIVE girls.

12/07/2008 04:45:00 AM

ElCapitan

I thought it was very funny. I've watched it several times and have even stolen quotes to use on my friends who now think I'm witty. Thank you S Peter Davis.

12/05/2008 10:37:00 AM

DapperDaveIa

I don't think I liked this.

11/28/2008 06:10:00 PM

chanhassen

If you're gonna whine about all the women who wont sleep with you, at least make it funny. *sighs* and i would've slept with you if this hadnt been so WEAK.

11/28/2008 02:25:00 PM

Nyxi

your bakery line is classic.

11/25/2008 02:56:00 PM

artemis_clyde

great video, pretty much the best one I've watched on here for months.

11/24/2008 09:10:00 AM

Gregoclock

This just cracks me up every single time. Still funny.

11/23/2008 12:35:00 AM

wordywonder

"Wastey McLife" sounds like a great nickname for me.

11/20/2008 04:41:00 AM

Sawyer

Fuffuf is a virgin

11/20/2008 02:09:00 AM

Quatch

Give John Safran his voice back!

11/18/2008 10:02:00 PM

echocharlie

Wow, this is pretty much my life summed up. I can think of about 15 or so perfect girls who are in my life, even remotely, who will never ever sleep with me. This is pretty much me too, except I don't have a high-pitched British accent.

11/18/2008 09:41:00 PM

Sifl

Nothing you say will convince me this was funny.

11/18/2008 09:08:00 PM

Jason_Hendrix

How is this like zero punctuation? He isn't even talking that quickly, you're just processing too slowly, you stupid sacks of shit. Besides, he's been making these movies (in this incredibly common format) for longer than ZP has been around.

11/18/2008 12:46:00 PM

Werty

I loved it. More?

11/18/2008 09:30:00 AM

Shazam!

If you didn't care what we had to say, then you wouldn't have said that. :p

11/18/2008 06:21:00 AM

Jason_Hendrix

I don't care what any of you miserable sods say, that was awesome.

11/18/2008 06:00:00 AM

izzie

dude, if you can't even get the girl from the baker's to sleep with you, something is wrong...

11/18/2008 05:07:00 AM

fuffuf

boring

11/17/2008 11:19:00 PM

BicyclesRule

Yeah, this guy's kind of a rip-off of Ben Croshaw, except not as funny, with an extremely annoying speech impediment...

11/17/2008 09:30:00 PM

Kreegz85

well i loved it...

11/17/2008 06:15:00 PM

Ivan the Russian

Never use 200 words where 5 will do. Those 4 are "My faggotry dwarfs the sun."

11/17/2008 05:27:00 PM

Jason_Hendrix

>Warning - visiting this web site may harm your computer! It seems the very internet itself has turned on his void of hilarity he calls his site.

11/17/2008 05:24:00 PM

Jason_Hendrix

>too many fucking words to be funny

11/17/2008 05:20:00 PM

Jason_Hendrix

Very well done, Mr. Davis.

11/17/2008 04:26:00 PM

gnarlyhotep

If you say "Yahtzee" 10 times really fast in front of a mirror in a dark room, he'll appear and tell you you're an idiot.

11/17/2008 04:26:00 PM

greengoddess

Jason Hendrix you Limp dicked child molestor; Johhny Carson called. He said that people have been talking fast, in lists for as long as there has been a thing called 'comedy'. He also said he fucked your mother, but that you probably knew that already as you were sharing a bed with her at the time. Hey, so it turns out that two people can independently come up with comedy ideas that bear a passing resemblance, if you turn your head sideways and squint at them, and not even know the other person exists! And it also turns out that screeching about perceived plagarism where none exists exposes you as an inane little shithole! Hey, I've got an idea for an original video you could do! Film yourself drinking a cup of draino and dying. I guarantee everyone who's ever known you will love it!

11/17/2008 03:40:00 PM

The Evil Sloth

his voice cracks me right the fuck up

11/17/2008 01:50:00 PM

EddieBrock412

>I would rather call Yahtzee a pioneer within this sort of humor, than I would call this a rip-off of him. When the specifics of a certain brand of humour are so... specific, anything that resembles if is a ripoff.

11/17/2008 12:05:00 PM

Jason_Hendrix

THis is like someone tried cloning Yahtzee and incidentaly replaced "sence of homour" with "manure"

11/17/2008 11:59:00 AM

jcdent

I would rather call Yahtzee a pioneer within this sort of humor, than I would call this a rip-off of him.

11/17/2008 11:56:00 AM

Voffvoffhunden

The only reason this may not be a ripoff of zero-punctuation is that he isn't fast-talking or funny enough to match him.

11/17/2008 10:50:00 AM

Jason_Hendrix

@Evil Sloth You are a little bitch for denying that this is a fucking ripoff. If Tofer is an enormous goddamned faggot, then your faggotry dwarfs the sun itself.

11/17/2008 10:49:00 AM

Jason_Hendrix

Okay video, but it is indeed quite a clone of Yahtzee's brand of humour. Also, to clear things up, Yahtzee is British, but currently resides in Australia.

11/17/2008 09:59:00 AM

ScionoftheFlames

Australian. Yahtzee is Australian, not British.

11/17/2008 09:51:00 AM

PhoenixReborn

This is funny. Thank goodness it's not a video game review. That shit is boring.

11/17/2008 09:48:00 AM

greengoddess

GODDAMN IT HOW CAN IT BE A YAHTZEE CLONE YAHTZEE'S BRITISH AND THIS BLOKE IS AUSTRALIAN AND BESIDES DOES YAHTZEE HAVE SOME KIND OF MONOPOLY ON MAKING VIDEOS WITH BRITISH ACCENTS WHAT ARE ALL THE REST OF THE PEOPLE IN BRITAIN SUPPOSED TO DO AXSDHFDASGHGBLHG

11/17/2008 09:44:00 AM

todger

Thanks dannyjbixby, I really wanted to know what the hell was that Yahtzee thing...

11/17/2008 09:26:00 AM

vato_loco

Truez!

11/17/2008 08:39:00 AM

GenHeydrich

Yahtzee is a video game reviewer on www.escapistmagazine.com.

11/17/2008 07:57:00 AM

slacker_bob

Who the hell is 'yahtzee' that you people are saying this is a ripoff of?

11/17/2008 06:49:00 AM

dannyjbixby

Yahtzee called..he wants his bit back.

11/17/2008 06:32:00 AM

Crenshaw

Tofer, you are an enormous goddamned faggot. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

11/17/2008 05:05:00 AM

The Evil Sloth

HA! Did I stutter?

11/17/2008 02:40:00 AM

josie

not just "sort-of yahtzee-esque"... it is totally and completely yahtzee, right down to the pop song in the beginning, the brit-ish accent (haha i made a pun), the attempt to speak quickly, the pop-up text to go along with the speech, everything. that doesn't mean it's not relatively good, he's got potential, but i feel like the presentation style is too unique to yahtzee that it seems like a rip off. toil on seamus, produce something less derivative and you've a fan in me. just like that randy wottsisname from toy story. except he has a friend in me. or maybe i in him. i digress

11/17/2008 02:39:00 AM

tofer

I find it comforting that I am not the only one in love with the t-shirt girl. Incidentally this video applies to me to a frightening degree, but hey, at least I'm not the only one, right?

11/17/2008 01:27:00 AM

Adwhite1

Somewhat Yahtzee-esque, and that snorg girl is such a cocktease...

11/17/2008 12:52:00 AM

FezBoy

Is it bad I may agree? No doubt you have the means, or what have you..but I don't see it. And I'm a girl.Perhaps you could explain why it could possibly benefit us women to..well..you know. Why, in the world, would I want to bonk you? Explain this.

11/17/2008 12:21:00 AM

josie

Ha I love that video! Mr funny-voice! classic name, I love your voice its really cool :D I wonder if #7 wears pants... it never looks like she does.

11/16/2008 09:30:00 PM

Ambalishious

You get called Wastey McLife too? It's probably because we spend our time on the internet all the time. Do you know if trees still exist?

11/16/2008 09:27:00 PM

stansimpson

Since I've never heard of Zero Punctuation or Yahtzee, I say great job very funny.

11/16/2008 09:22:00 PM

Kills4Dethklok

This is one of the better videos I've seen on Cracked. Lovin' it ;-)

11/16/2008 08:40:00 PM

wordywonder

Is it just me or does every picture of the snorg girl feature her with a comb over or a hat? This can only mean that she is bald and, therefore, much more attractive.

11/16/2008 08:20:00 PM

thedamned

#7 killed me

11/16/2008 08:00:00 PM

DanFraley

SPD is my hero.

11/16/2008 07:31:00 PM

stevotheidiot

One question: do you ever stop to breathe?

11/16/2008 06:52:00 PM

whitenerd

Very nice I believe the trollop from Full House's name is Candace Cameron and after Full House she went on to become a jebus-freak, got married and fat. Snorg girl is way hotter.

11/16/2008 06:41:00 PM

lux

ha this was actually pretty good.

11/16/2008 06:41:00 PM

exploding_girl

Very true, I feel the same way. Especially about that snorg t-shirt girl..though the one that they've got up at the moment is freaking 20 times hotter. And while yeah, this does seem to be in the style of Zero Punctuation it's got it's own charms and you did a good job. I enjoyed it alot.

11/16/2008 06:01:00 PM

Vohn_Exel

New Zealand Accent? That is a terrible slight on poor Shamus. You should be ashamed of yourself.

11/16/2008 05:43:00 PM

The Evil Sloth

While typically I find SPD's stuff awesome, I couldn't help but entertain the initial thought: "Hey this guy is like Yahtzee!" I'm not sure whether to take that as solidarity in #'s or a complete lack of originality on my part. ...I think we all know the answer to that.

11/16/2008 05:42:00 PM

Jonathan_Goss

No... just no. As everyone has been saying, this is indeed either a knockoff or ill thought homage to Zero Punctuation, albeit with slides made in MS Paint. I could see great potential with these sort of videos, but only if they were written better and had a better narration.

11/16/2008 05:08:00 PM

Koopaking

It amuses me that so many people can't tell the difference between a British accent (Yahtzee) and a New Zealand accent (here). In short, this is awesome and you are all fags. Rock on Binary, rock on.

11/16/2008 05:04:00 PM

AlexH

Goddamn it Cracked, this guy is just a Yahtzee wannabe. Exact same accent, art style and subject matter. Why don't you try something original like video game reviews?

11/16/2008 03:50:00 PM

College Binary

i signed up just to post how right off the bat this video was so fucking accurate for me. the girl that made my coffee was gorgeous, and i took her general kindness to mean that she was interested in me. about a month ago i blurted out 'doyouwannagetcoffeesometime?' and she said 'yeah, we'll see' or something. needless to say i havent been back since.

11/16/2008 03:47:00 PM

bauersnarky

I prefer the girl at Starbucks to anything they actually sell their... except maybe those Vanilla Frappuccinos... I don't think it's a girly drink.

11/16/2008 03:10:00 PM

LosRegos

Very nice, very nice.

11/16/2008 02:59:00 PM

dushanbe4

I often fantasize about having a 3-some with the girls at Starbux, and the law firm where I work has NO shortage of HOT, young, career hotties running around in suits and minis trying to impress the old partners, SO I CAN RELATE to this very well,

11/16/2008 02:55:00 PM

FRANKENSLUT

Dude, you made that shit in your room for a budget of nothing. Which inspires me to do the same, given that I too have a room but no money. The fundamental idea was great, though.

11/16/2008 02:36:00 PM

Pedgerow

Has anyone ever noticed the Snorg Tee-shirt girl referenced here vaguely resembles the older sister on Full House, who I believ is the younger sister of Kirk Cameron? This has always bothered me, because I, too, kind want to sleep with the Snorg girl, but was entirely repelled by the snarky little wench on Full House. What a paradox. I'm going to go stop speaking now.

11/16/2008 02:08:00 PM

TrapserCat

If Yahtzee did slice-o'-life vids, this'd be one of them. Quite funny.

11/16/2008 01:54:00 PM

Alloflifedecays

Funny, but definitely a ZP clone

11/16/2008 01:53:00 PM

BoozePlease

Cute. Worth a smile or two.

11/16/2008 01:49:00 PM

Wren

lol, very funny

11/16/2008 01:08:00 PM

articdragone

I see I should have read the board before calling out the blatant ZP-style heist. Allow me to soften the blow. Funny material, but you're NOT Yahtzee. Not even close. Give it another go and drop the pretention, please.

11/16/2008 12:59:00 PM

barrinmb

Time the fuck out. Really, Cracked? You're going to support this hack in his quest to be a slower-talking Brian Yahtzee? "No, I have no idea what you're talking about, barrinmb!" Is that so, Cracked? Google 'zero punctuation,' watch one video, and tell me exactly why I shouldn't be calling bullshit right now. You could at least get someone funny if you're going to ape the man. I can practically smell the cheetohs on this little wanker's breath through my computer screen as he says to himself "Pip-pip cheerio, I'm going to add a little colour to my life and become an Internet celebrity! All I have to do is be like Yahtzee, the funniest Brit since Sir Python!"

11/16/2008 12:57:00 PM

barrinmb

Great shit right here, man!

11/16/2008 12:19:00 PM

homsar

Haha great job :D

11/16/2008 12:11:00 PM

Plaidrabbit

Ver' funny with the humour and stuff. You're missing the conclusion of that Helen of Troy thing though, where her boyfriend shows up with a huge army to take her back, but after you've brainwashed her with years of care, attention and massive mind-altering brain-ray she decides she prefers your weedy arms and snorting laugh more than his heroic pose and third toe that shoots money. You live happily ever after until Zeus gets bored and sends a bolt of lightening into you, your home and your puppy Toto. Good times.

11/16/2008 12:09:00 PM

Nammeh

i feel like this guy read my mind! really funny because it rings so true. except substitute the coffee shop girl with the totally hot and flirty chick with the cleavage who works at the Aeropostale store at the local mall.

11/16/2008 12:00:00 PM

LeadingExpert

very very good, Like Zero punctuation in style,but great job.

11/16/2008 11:55:00 AM

haribo

That, good sir, was perfect. Good job.

11/16/2008 11:44:00 AM

Distractedone

This is awesome.

11/16/2008 11:27:00 AM

Jarrod

Funny stuff good sir.

11/16/2008 11:21:00 AM

ianphil397

oxygen thief lololol

11/16/2008 10:19:00 AM

mcrsux23

Only one thing to do with a Helen of fucking Troy: seduce and/or kidnap her, move to a foreign country where you have connections and/or where they have low standards, and live the good life until her boyfriend shows up with the biggest fucking army the world has ever seen.

11/16/2008 10:18:00 AM

SomeKindaRobot

Apparently this has already been brought to your attention. Sorry.

11/16/2008 10:12:00 AM

Werty

This is wonderful and was wonderful when I could see it on your website. By the way, s davis, google (I think) says your website may be an 'attack site.' Did hackers attack you or something?

11/16/2008 10:03:00 AM

Werty

Fuckin' a that damned Brock Lesnar!

11/16/2008 09:32:00 AM

fuckyoucracked

classic. loved it. [:

11/16/2008 09:24:00 AM

maeghanjeanette

Hey this is my life! Except you can replace the "Helens of Troy" with more coworkers. I swear the place where I work has some sort of secret initiative where they can only hire 8's, 9's, and 10's.

11/16/2008 09:11:00 AM

iraleecantellia

What a sad little video

11/16/2008 09:07:00 AM

chillage

the format is not my favourite, but its good because it makes it easy to make a hilarious video when you have a hilarious idea. I laughed.

11/16/2008 09:03:00 AM

Demmagog

Hilarious! I bet dozens of dudes here can sympathize with the T-shirt ad problem haha

11/16/2008 08:52:00 AM

Narwhal

Good premise. I can relate to a lot of those girls. The head massage at the hair cutter's is always something to look forward to. Your video needs a different format though. This is exactly like a Zero Punctuation knock-off complete with a bad Australian accent. I'm surprised the comments have been more forgiving than usual so far. Heh heh. "Wastey McLife."

11/16/2008 08:49:00 AM

Senor_Taco

it was like zero punctuation, but lamer.

11/16/2008 08:36:00 AM

bunni

This is great.

11/16/2008 08:26:00 AM

Wheelhouse

Yeah, that is my life to a tee. For that it would be funny if it weren't so true.

11/16/2008 08:26:00 AM

TheAntiAssClown

This was great. This guy is spot on about everything, and WasteyMclife is so funny, I'm so using that for the next MMORPG I sign up for.

11/16/2008 08:05:00 AM

Ydoc

LOLZ. i love the "Helen of Fucking Troy" description.

11/16/2008 07:38:00 AM

bibliophilica

hahahahaha i cant believe cracked actually made a funny video.

11/16/2008 07:27:00 AM

hlcom30

haha that's my question too! john safran?

11/16/2008 07:09:00 AM

chewy.cupcake

This is brilliant. Did a spit-take at "Helen of F--king Troy." Let's also say that the pictures kept my interest, uh, aroused. Also kudos for the picture at "she wants me." Nice job, indeed.

11/16/2008 07:06:00 AM

HughLaurie

So they finally put up Binarys video eyh, good show.

11/16/2008 06:49:00 AM

Rutledal

...John Safran?

11/16/2008 06:24:00 AM

B Tyrrell

what about the official cracked store girl, directly to the left of this, anybody?

11/16/2008 06:12:00 AM

wuzzman16

My perfect girl is any woman shorter than me

11/16/2008 06:07:00 AM

BlueOh

Unleast there are nice pictures, not like in the "15 girls who would like to fuck me" video - featuring Quasimodo, the walking mushroom and the really cute but extremely annoing 16-year old chick that stalks you saturday nights..

11/16/2008 06:02:00 AM

Arachidus

Sounds a lot like my list. What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you. I'm assuming that most of these women are bitches.

11/16/2008 05:54:00 AM

olenski2

Fantastic! Although to be honest, I prefer the brunette from the T-shirt ads, but I promise that it doesn't make me any less pathetic.

11/16/2008 05:51:00 AM

ERelevant

At least you have attractive women in your life, all i have is furry porn and my hand

11/16/2008 05:51:00 AM

hansmoleman

I vote "funny".

11/16/2008 05:47:00 AM

debaser

This is pretty much Australian comedy in a nutshell, folks, with some exceptions. Much as I consider Australia a nexus of boring, I actually really like Australian comedy. And ditto with this.

11/16/2008 05:45:00 AM

EinDose

So... why wont they fuck you?

11/16/2008 05:41:00 AM

Arnor

first! oh god i appall myself

11/16/2008 05:29:00 AM

derfel