Cracked Columnists 801-900

• Paul Giamatti: Santa, or Guy Who Steals Quarters From Laundromat Washers to Buy Cigarettes?
• They Grow Up So Fast.
• Pencils, More Pencils and The Athiest's Nightmare: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
• Rule(s) Britannia
• Nothing Says David Bowie Like Discount Prices
• Scaaaaaaaaab!
• Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup
• The Office, Human Resources Attorneys and People Getting Hit In The Face: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
• Heroes didn't suck last night!
• More Like Sienna Later!
• Chubbies, Nad Shots and Pulling Hitler's Finger: The Daily Nooner!
• Oops, I Did it Again... is the Least Clever Title I Could Have Possibly Chosen for this Post
• Hayden Bezaubernd Spart die Japanischen Delfine
• Guy Fawkes, iPhonemania and The Death Of The Retarded Bar Argument: The (Friday) Nooner!
• Not the Proudest Day in the Battle for Free Speech
• Gaming News Extravaganza!
• Punt Guns, Clay Pigeons and Inaccurate Information About Mexican Holidays: The Daily Nooner!
• Brawlin' Baldwins
• How Can You Top Wonderwall?
• Goblins Getting Down and Awesome Pagan Rituals: The (Halloween) Nooner!
• DON'T. TAKE. METH.
• Strike While the Irony Is Hot
• Trampolines, Guitar Solos and The Crappiest Jack-O'-Lanterns of All Time: The Daily Nooner!
• This Heroes recap will throw a stool right through a glass case of lesser Heroes recaps
• Evolution Update: Only 993 Years Left To Choose Teams!
• Rambo IV and The Hungry Ghost Festival: The Daily Nooner!
• Turks Will Fuck You Up
• The Spice Girls Just Keep Getting Hotter
• Crazy Wrestlers, Patented Sticks and Free Tacos: The (Friday) Nooner!
• Kiiiiiiiiiiiid ROCK! Got Arrested Again
• Television and Film Industry: I Dislike You and Your Opinions, and etc.
• Old Men Falling Up, Okies Getting Decked and Your Patented Childhood: The Daily Nooner!
• Dreamgirls
• The Answer Is Blowin' Pollution Into The Wind
• Unicorn College, Dog Ear Protectors and The Science of Jell-O Shots: The Daily Nooner!
• I'm Typing This From Inside a Fire
• Paul Is Dead...
• Freddy vs. Agent Cody Banks
• Dancing Preteens, Teenage Mutant Ninja Dogs and A Machine That Literally Kicks You In The Ass: The Daily Nooner!
• This Heroes recap contains several excrutiatingly boring jump rope scenes
• Science Fiction/Fact Mash-Up Predictions
• Falling Turtles, Fart Deodorizers and Vending Machine Disguises: The Daily Nooner!
• He Wears a Blue Robe to Work. Of Course He's Gay.
• Cracked sells out loves Fido.
• Spider-Man 4: Directorial Showdown!
• Charles Johnson, Pirate Hookers and The Crunchiest Cereal Ever: The (Friday) Nooner!
• September NPD: Xbox360 Xacts Xtreme Xrevenge on Competitors. PS3's Poor Performance Provokes PS3=Poo Puns. Wii Alliteration Crippled By Lack Of Funny ‘W’ Words.
• Sam Fisher Drinks Ovaltine, and so Should You
• Gun vs. Fist: The Debate Continues
• Techno Vikings, Sexy Escaped Convicts and Journalists Discover the Internet: The Nooner
• Great Games You Won't Be Allowed to Play
• Star Wars, Episode VII: The Crappy TV Show
• Boyfriend Trouble For Goldie's Spawn
• The Nooner: Beer Pong, Sexy Mice and The Ghost of Pope John Paul II
• The iPhone is a Relentless Killing Machine, Kind of
• The Love that Dare Not Beep its Name
• The Nooner: Long Fingernails, Sexy Jailbirds And Way More Than You Ever Needed To Know About Yogurt
• This Heroes blog update will introduce No New Characters, and that's a Guarantee.
• Orlando Bloom Collides ... With His Internet Doppleganger!
• The Nooner: The Price Is Right, Sexy Halloween Costumes and "Deprogramming The Masses"
• I'm Sick of These Damn Ingrate Nobel Laureates
• My Femme-ical Romance
• The Nooner: Star Wars Trumpets, Anti-Cilantro 2.0 and The Visible Taco
• Kiefer Sutherland is the New Paris Hilton
• The Nooner: Hornblasters, White Supremacists and "The Smartest Money You'll Ever Spend In Your Life"
• It’s a Sad State of Affairs When Your IMDB Page is Humiliating
• The Nooner: R. Kelly, Petster and Hillary Clinton in a Bikini
• Sound and Fury or, The Day Nothing Happened
• New Police Album! (If You Can Only Read Headlines)
• Like NBC's ads, this Heroes post contains Heroes spoilers
• LiLo Leaves Rehab Sober, Realizes Her Career Is Over
• Clay Aiken is Gay Fakin' For Jesus
• Radiohead Fails to Resolve Music Theft Issue
• The Office vs. Your Office
• Scorsese to Follow Blood-Soaked Gangland Thriller with Biopic of Hippie Peacenick
• The Hits Keep Coming...
• GnR's Chinese Democracy Finally Available For Pre-Order, Ridicule
• An Open Letter to Geico Auto Insurance
• It's the Most Grobanful Time of the Year
• Anne Coulter Defends use of term “Camel Jockey”
• ABC's Cavemen Offers Funny Outfits, Fascinating Commentary on Race Relations
• The Second Episode of Heroes contained a Mysterious Plague Of Boredom
• Radiohead Effectively Solves Internet Music Theft
• Books I Won't Be Reading
• Pamela Anderson, Rick Salomon and Paris Hilton Require Your Undivided Attention
• Halle Berry Digs Waters Sports (Sort Of)
• Rock Band Release Date Moved Up
• Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and Not The Responsibilities of Parenthood
• The "Full" Bugs Bunny
• Adoption Is Slimming
• 6 Things You Really Need to Know About Ben Affleck
• Halloween Comes Early for New Mexico Bishop
• Farrah Fawcett Arrested For Carrying A Concealed Tumor
• Wild Speculation About Movies I Haven’t Seen
• American Apparel Ads Make me Want to Defile Things I Shouldn't Want to Defile
• China Pulls Ahead in Race to Conquer World... Records
• Fashion Friday: Which Hilarious Pro-Rape T-Shirt Is Right For Me?
• Out-of-Context Celebrity Headline Roundup!
• Paris Hilton Banned From Oktoberfest for “Cheapening” Two Week-Long Kegger
• “Hundred Dollar Laptops” to Bring Knowledge, Hardcore Pornography to Developing World