#2. Every Kids' Movie Shoves the Characters Right in Our Faces
It's nice to know who the characters are when you're looking at the poster, but recently kids' movies decided that this is all you need to know. Whether this is done out of pure laziness or to give the old and blind parents a better close-up view of whatever cutesy CGI face they'll have to stare at for the next 90 minutes, we're honestly not sure. As best as we can tell, this trend of taking a sledgehammer to the fourth wall started with Smurfs 2.
Smurfs 3's poster is going to be Papa Smurf tea-bagging the camera.
Later on, The LEGO Movie realized what a smart idea it was to take tiny characters and blow them up in size for everyone. They were even kind enough to include a one-word description of things you could expect in the movie. Why, you can almost tell it's about block people!
And yet it was that hashtag at the bottom that was the final bit of inspiration for the folks at How to Train Your Dragon 2. They took one look at that and collectively determined, "What's another obnoxious Internet thing? Oh, right. Selfies." Because the world needs more of these:
How is the "They ride fucking dragons!" part not the main selling point here?
#1. Maleficent Is Playing Peekaboo
Maleficent is the upcoming film that was greenlit solely on the fact that Angelina Jolie's facial proportions sorta resemble those of an old-time Disney villain. That's the entire pitch, hook, and plot synopsis for this movie. As such, it's not surprising that most of the marketing materials consist solely of close-ups of Jolie's face staring at you, but apparently the designers felt they needed to provide some variation and decided to get creative with it.
By which we mean: photograph the same thing from another angle.
Wait, look at her arm. Again with the damn selfies?
Why is she bent over like that? Are the horns really that heavy? Or is this just a result of Angelina Jolie's spinal column starting to finally age? We can only imagine that she was bent over picking something up, and the poster designers startled her.
No, wait, she's twerking?
The other possibility is that maybe the photographers had the angle wrong. She was standing up straight the whole time, and some moron intern just didn't know how to hold a camera.
This is more of a "Take the picture already, I have 3,742 adopted kids to pick up from school" pose.
Wait, no, we've got it! She was practicing her swing! Those magical forests are the best training grounds for the Masters.
We'd be all over a Caddyshack/Maleficent crossover, provided Bill Murray was down.