Recently, Mattel launched the "I Can Be" line of Barbie dolls, presumably to show little girls that they could aspire to be more than just anorexic breast dispensers. Unfortunately, it turns out that Barbie can't enter a professional situation without tarting it up.
#4. Every Veterinarian Ever
*Neutering hammer not included.
Judging by these photos, Barbie clearly does not understand what it is a veterinarian does. She seems to think it means you go to school for a decade to get a license to play with animals all day long. In Kitty Care Vet, above, she's installed a slide on the exam table to whisk the adorable little bastards into a tiny tub, because cats want nothing more than to be sent careening down a plastic incline into a pit of water. She also has a cat dangling in a scale that hangs precariously off the side of the table, because apparently she's trying to measure how much it weighs after a colon-cleansing terror poop.
But maybe she'll do better with zoo animals:
Wait, why is there a monkey in the tub now? Do vets even bathe animals? That seems like an hourly job. Also, we sincerely hope that her workstation is in the shape of a giraffe, and isn't an actual giraffe that she's just lashed a table to.
Barbie Glue Factory sold separately!
OK, Barbie's pants keep getting shorter with each job she takes. Here she's the horse whisperer in Taylor Swift boots, attending to her animal patient in an office entirely color-coordinated in hot pink and lavender, which is a combination we thought was outlawed in 1989. Also, her medical equipment appears to be stored entirely in a nightstand with a single drawer, which does not bode well for the pony.
Now you're not even trying, Mattel. This is just a lady taking her dog shopping on Melrose.
#3. Kid Doctor/Newborn Baby Doctor
At first we were incredibly excited at the prospect of a kid doctor and a newborn baby doctor, because we were picturing Doogie Howser joining forces with Dr. Efram T. Baby, the 3-month-old Ph.D. candidate. Sadly, it's just Barbie, who evidently went all the way through medical school without ever hearing the words "pediatrician" or "neonatologist." Kid Doctor Barbie even seems to be a little confused about the instruments of her practice, since she's wearing the blood pressure cuff on her own wrist like some kind of fucking idiot. And we're not entirely sure Newborn Baby Doctor is even in a hospital. It looks like a magical British nursery. At least she's wearing the standard scrubs that any responsible doctor wears in the NICU ... oh, wait, no. It's a ruffled mini-dress and pumps.
Oh yeah, that's a perfect outfit for digging in the desert.
"Paleontologist" is an awfully big word after "Kid Doctor." Shouldn't this be called "Dinosaur Scientist"? Barbie's flowing shoulder-length hair and pink satin vest maybe weren't the best choice to go grubbing through the dirt in the punishing heat of the Badlands, but we doubt she's going to find much anyway with her dainty gold gardening trowel. At least she got the hat right. Also, the Smithsonian signed off on this thing. Think about that.
#1. Arctic Rescuer
"Arctic rescue" generally refers to paralyzed climbers being airlifted off Mount Everest in a race against exposure. However, Mattel interprets the phrase as "Barbie on a snowmobile." Her mission seems to consist entirely of bottle feeding a baby seal and bandaging a polar bear cub's leg, leaving any stranded humans to just eat each other in a hollow mountain cave until they freeze to death. Maybe Barbie confused this with another one of her veterinary jobs. Also, considering that the average Arctic winter temperature is -30 degrees Fahrenheit, she's seriously underdressed, and nowhere in her ridiculous 1980s ski movie ensemble do we see a radio or a satellite phone.
So remember, little girls -- you can be anything, but the most important thing is to be pretty while doing it.
When she's not playing with her Barbies, Tracy has a Tumblr here.