Hollywood dumps an entire summer's worth of wannabe blockbusters into December, so it's tough to tell which ones are good, which ones are terrible and which ones are bizarre Robert Zemeckis cartoons featuring dead-eyed replicants of Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey. Here are the movies you should probably avoid this month.
#4. Dino Time 3D
The trailer for Dino Time 3D looks like the fake movie that gets interrupted to remind everyone in the theater to silence their cellphones. We kept expecting Hulk Hogan to stand up in the middle of it, crush his popcorn and threaten to beat the shit out of the gremlins in the projection booth. Also, Rob Schneider is exactly as funny as the lust murder from Se7en, so taking your kids to see this would probably be about as enjoyable as paying a gout-footed hobo $40 to grab you by the ears and scream into your open mouth.
#3. The Guilt Trip
In The Guilt Trip, Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen trade penis jokes and try to out-guffaw each other for two irritating hours that no one would ever exchange money for. Going to see it would be like putting on 3-D glasses and chewing open the Hellraiser puzzle box. It was never meant for the world of the living, and should be placed gently back into its coffin of spiders and buried beneath the roots of a dead oak tree in a bleak Romanian forest.
#2. Jack Reacher
Jack Reacher sounds like a 5-year-old trying too hard to name his hamster something cool and accidentally coming up with a dominating porn alias (Bludge Hammercock and Pistonflex WombEraser were presumably also considered). We get that he's named Jack Reacher because he reaches beyond the law, but that's a little on the nose, isn't it? You might as well call him Jack Beyondthelawington and give him a belt buckle that plays the theme song from Renegade. The trailer looks like every thriller from the '90s having boring, confused sex with each other while John Grisham reads one of his books to Wesley Snipes.
#1. Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away
James Cameron decided that we needed more swirling blue bullshit this holiday season and is bringing us Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away, which looks like Moulin Rouge met How the Grinch Stole Christmas for drinks at the Throbbing Stallion with a lunchbox full of LSD. It's what Andrew Lloyd Webber sees when he strains too hard while masturbating. For some reason Hollywood decided to recontextualize it to try to tell an actual story, which is baffling when you consider that Cirque du Soleil is so free of context that it barely exists in the physical realm, sort of like a haiku about walnuts written by the ghost of Corey Haim. If you buy a ticket to this film, the theater will actually deduct money from the Will Rogers Institute.