The 4 Least Anticipated Movies of April 2013

April is the last month before the summer blockbusters start exploding into cineplexes like hand grenades full of Pixar and Robert Downey Jr. Going to the movies in April is like trying to cry and/or masturbate the night before an Eyes Wide Shut party. It might pass the time, but it just seems terribly wasteful given what we know is right around the corner.

#4. Scary Movie 5


It's hard to see the word "protection" up there and not think a few dozen condoms could have prevented this whole series.

The Scary Movie franchise has spent the past decade reminding people that things exist, and then having those things fart and bonk their heads and confusing that with knee-sleeping wizardry. Ignoring the fact that Scary Movie 5 already died a penniless unmourned death once this year when it was called A Haunted House, the trailers for the two are 70 percent identical, which we feel is perhaps not the best way to convince people to see a movie they resolutely decided not to watch back in January.

Meanwhile, the poster literally threatens to ejaculate on you while Charlie Sheen throws his hands up in helpless dismay over the sprouting of an uncontrollable ghost boner, seemingly assuring us that going to see this movie would be like buying a ticket to get chained up in a state fair haunted house and read knock-knock jokes by a rapist.

#3. The Numbers Station

John Cusack borrows Jeremy Piven's hairpiece to protect Malin Akerman from math explosions while reminding us all that it has been a very, very long time since High Fidelity. The trailer gives us a quick narration about some nonsense involving World War II radio codes that cannot possibly be relevant to anyone beyond those who have the Loose Change video unironically bookmarked, and then throws us into a series of subterranean gunfights set to the soundtrack of Pete Townshend's internal monologue. The screenwriter's previous credits include quality assurance for a Hot Wheels video game and a handful of other things that you should never include on a resume for any reason.

#2. The Big Wedding

Apparently somebody pitched My Big Fat Caucasian Wedding at a meeting, and the brainstorming dried up soon after that initial breakthrough. Robert De Niro, who evidently filmed his role while preparing for the lead in an upcoming Michael McDonald biopic, has to pretend to be married to Diane Keaton for the benefit of his adopted son's biological mother, while the rest of the cast has to pretend not to be terrified by Katherine Heigl's goldfish eyes and Robin Williams' rapidly shrinking face.

The poster for the writer/director's last effort, Going Greek, is a group of disproportionately Photoshopped budget actors superimposed on a pair of giant tits. Coincidentally, several of those words can also be used to describe The Big Wedding.

#1. Oblivion

Oblivion presents us with an Earth devastated by a war against a race of aliens that Tom Cruise inexplicably didn't know on a first-name basis, and now he is going to save what's left of humanity with some motorcycle armor and the Super Scope. However, the film's marketing campaign doesn't paint him in the most capable light -- the poster looks like he's really trying to remember the name of Joe Pesci's character in Gone Fishin', and the trailer seems to be about a lonely guy driving his flying scooter across a hollow wasteland and having protracted discussions about baseball with a British lady, interspersed with shots of him falling down holes and being surprised by everything. The movie also stars Morgan Freeman as the person who narrates ridiculous exposition and makes it sound like wisdom (this role is frequently occupied by Liam Neeson).

We're kind of tired of Tom Cruise trying to save the world. He just needs to make something that combines his characters from Tropic Thunder and Risky Business. Now there's a movie. Liam Neeson can narrate it.



Tom is going to see Jurassic Park 3D every goddamn day it is in theaters. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter.

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