Plenty of sites will tell you about all of the great albums that you should be formulating a plan to illicitly download without your Internet Service Provider finding out and telling the RIAA this month. But what about the albums you should avoid? Who speaks to those consumers who just wander into a record store, randomly grab a stack of CDs and bolt out the door with no consideration for what they're purchasing?
Well, for one thing, those people probably don't exist. But if they did, here are the albums they should make a conscious effort to avoid this month.
#4. Big & Rich -- Hillbilly Jedi
That album cover is what happens when a country music duo consults an Internet marketing agency for advice on how to sell records. How Charlie Sheen didn't end up in that picture is beyond us.
This is one of those country groups with a rapper in their entourage. In other words, they're the only country group with a rapper in their entourage. Having secured the fandom of the 15 black people in America who care about country music, this album is an attempt to lock down the 18 or so Star Wars geeks who might share the same passion. Brilliant.
#3. Kidz Bop Kidz -- Kidz Bop 22
Overhearing your child singing suggestive lyrics from a popular song always makes you feel a little bit like a shitty parent. Was it a lack of fundamental parental oversight that led to your youngest running through the living room yelling "Skeet, skeet, skeet!" whenever you have company?
Relax, he probably just got his hands on a Kidz Bop CD. This long-running music institution has been taking the most obnoxious pop songs of the day and cranking the obnoxious way up by adding kids to the mix for decades now. This is the 22nd time we've let them succeed at this. We don't have a problem, America. We are the problem.
#2. Matchbox Twenty - North
Man, who hasn't been wishing this band would get back together?
Everybody, that's who. All of the people. The band probably didn't even want this band to get back together. But there's a "bands who sound like Third Eye Blind" void in the market, and Matchbox Twenty is just the band that might as well fill it if nobody else has anything going on.
#1. Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album
If the classical music that pounds and swells and throbs in your head every time you rub one out to the nation's premier Twilight-fan-fiction-turned-BDSM-manual-for-tweens isn't enough to get things appropriately moist anymore, a solution has arrived.
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album features, you know, a bunch of classical music and stuff, hand-selected by the woman who wrote the books.
If you buy this, you're a weirdo. Plain as that.